Thankfully evolution gave us ears a million years ago...
Now we finally get to use them to wear masks.
You tell me your mantra and I’ll l tell you mine.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
There was an Old Man, on whose nose,
Most birds of the air could repose;
But they all flew away
At the closing of day,
Which relieved that Old Man and his nose.
Girl, you are so fine, I had to upgrade my graphics card just to admire your pictures.
Who is a Penguin’s favorite pop star?
Seal.
What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.
What do you call an ant that doesn’t sink?
Bouy-ant.
I like you very mulch. I think about you every daisy.
What's a lion's favorite color?
ROARange
You must be a birthday, because each time you come near,
I get so very excited, and so very full of cheer!
You must be the new year, because each time you come round,
All I do is want to celebrate, and make a joyous sound!
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
Easter this year is April Fools Day
Just remember that so you don't fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.
What do you call someone who only eats tiny bits of other people?
A cannibble.
I've always considered mountain plateaus to be the highest forms of flattery.
Why did the model bring her lipstick and eye shadow to school?
Because she had a make-up exam!
You dropped something. My jaw.
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
"I hate tacos!"
Said no Juan ever.
Why did the old man hate living next to the tennis courts?
He couldn't stand all the racket!
What nature phenomenon is the funniest? A cyclown!
Mmm baby! You’re decomposing in ALL the right places!
Your earrings are the mirrors which reflect the moonlight into your eyes.
Today a large tree suddenly fell over right in front of me.
I was stumped.
What do you get when you put the number 3.14 in the middle of the onions? You get o-pi-nions!
“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”—Melanie White
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
I imagined I saw a rainbow but it must have been a pigment of our imagination.
Are we going to do some gravity experiments? Okay, let’s test how fast I would free fall for you.
A real Christian is a person who can give his pet parrot to the town gossip. -- Billy Graham
There was a Young Girl of Majorca,
Whose aunt was a very fast walker;
She walked seventy miles,
And leaped fifteen stiles,
Which astonished that Girl of Majorca.
On Thanksgiving dinner, most of us turn into hipsters.
We all go out of our way to eat the turkey before it is cool.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
You mermaid to go far.
A slat spreading truck knocked me off my bike last year. I yelled “You idiot!” through gritted teeth.
Did you hear about the crocodile who was unable to mate?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
Have you ever heard of the Poder bird?
It is also known as the Toucan
What is the most expensive kind of fish?
The goldfish.
Where do meteorologists like to drink after work?
The closest ISOBAR.
Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
Why did the teacher use the evolution of Thor in viking mythology to teach both literature and Northern European history in her class?
She wanted to demonstrate using a Meta-Thor.
What do computers do on a beach vacation?
Surf the net.
Mmm, these honey samples are so mouthwatering.
What were middle-aged parents called in medieval times? Middle-aged parents.