What’s a cetacean’s favorite TV show?
Whale of Fortune.
Advice for those in,
a difficult position.
First, be flexible.
What's red and invisible? No tomatoes.
Why do onions have poor self-image?
Because people cry when they get onions naked.
Topside, silverside and brisket tend to groan when they get up from their chairs. This is because they are achey joints.
“The North Pole doesn’t import goods because it’s Elf Sufficient.”
Roses are red, Violet are blue. What would you do. If I fell in love with you?
Why are cats such great singers? Because they’re very mewsical
Who is the perfect husband? One who keeps his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
"I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. he other two are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves"
What do you get when you plant a Donut?
A pastree.
Never tell a taco a secret
It will spill the beans
After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...
Because I'm Dragon Ass.
Did you get a side of hummus?
It's a hummuside.
“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen
Do you have a name you want me to save you as on my phone or should I just put 'mine'?
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
What do you call a monkey at the North Pole?
Lost.
Where does a brain go on vacation?
To a hippo camp us.
How does a bomb choose not to go off?
It refuses.
What kind of eels can travel on land?
Wheels.
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
"Every garden is unique with a multitude of choices in soils, plants and themes. Finding your garden theme is as easy as seeing what brings a smile to your face."
- Teresa Watkins
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.
Who is a geologist’s favorite band?
The Rolling Stones.
Why was the hard drive scared of the large file?
Because it was a terror-byte.
The big black bug bit the big black bear,
but the big black bear bit the big black bug back!
Why did the artist go to the lounge? Because it was her comfort tone.
What do cell phones order at dinner?
Apps.
How do zombies introduce themselves?
- Pleased to eat you.
Where do crows try their luck?
Ma-cau
The direction fields of my heart all point to you.
Dang, girl. You're a fielder's choice.
“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.”
— Mac McCleary
Q. What kind of underwear do s*xy gorillas wear?
A. Chim-pant-zies.
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
What do you call a goblin with an injured leg?
A hobblin' goblin.
What do fruit wear when they go swimming? A one-peach bathing suit.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
What do you call a giant mushroom? Hu-fungus.
What did the lion say to his cubs when he was first teaching them how to hunt? Don’t cross the road until you see the zebra crossing!
Why couldn’t the fish watch YouTube?
He couldn’t stream the video.
I thought I was swimming in the river Thames, but apparently I made it all the way to France before I realized I'm in Seine.
What do you call an alien spaceship that goes from planet to planet to planet? A UF-hoe.
“Everything goes better with tacos.”
― Rachel Caine
The last four letters of 'queue' are not silent
They're just waiting their turn.
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
“We interrupt your happiness to bring you Mondays. Don’t worry, you’re regularly scheduled happiness will resume again on Friday.”
Why did the orange come back after it was thrown in the garbage?
It was a boom-orange.