"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
— Erma Bombeck
What's a frog's favorite game?
Croak-et.
Wanna go out sometime? I’d consider it an Er-win if you said yes.
Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time too.
What's brown and very bad for your dental health?
A baseball bat.
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
I ran out of toilet paper, so started wiping using lettuce leaves
But I'm scared this is the tip of the iceberg.
What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!
Hey baby, you’ve captured my eye. Could I have it back?
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
What’s the coolest part of a skeleton?
The hip.
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
What is a nerdy alligator’s favorite programming language?
Jaw-va.
Q. What's on display at the Canadian Moose Museum?
A. Mod deer 'n art.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
Why are watermelons, such good entrepreneurs?
“They always have seed money.”
Went camping last night. It was in-tents.
All the contestants at the pig Olympics were very happy with their prizes. They each won pork medallions.
How would you scare a snowman?
Get a hairdryer!
Are you a beaver? Beause daaaaaaaaam!
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips
What kind of musical instrument do mice play? A mouse organ! Why do mice have long tails? Well, they'd look silly with long hair!
What do you call a potato that has turned to the dark side? Vader tots!
“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
— Unknown
Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.
Remind your kids not to overdo it on the pumpkin pie this time of year.
Or they might get autumn'y ache.
What did the orange say before jumping into the juicer?
“The zest is yet to come!”
This year, my brain and my heart are Valentines to each other.
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time?
You know that you have really hit rock bottom.
Why is six afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine!
Mountains aren't funny....? They're hilarious.
Why was the mosquito sad on christmas?
It was a bah hum bug.
Why was the burger sad? Because he had the blue cheese.
What does a surprised pumpkin say?
OH MY GOURD!
A man went to buy long underwear cause the weather was getting cold. The cashier asked " How long would you like them"
"From march to September", said the man.
What do you call a zombie who stir-fries?
Dead Man Wokking
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iva.
Iva who?
I’ve a sore hand from knocking!
How do you get rid of a witch’s hex?
Draw a hex-a-gone.
I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.
I call it "Book Club"
What was the most famous bat comedy team?
Ab-bat and Costello.
Are you Medusa? When you looked at me the world seem to stop.
What do you call an imaginary pig? A pig-ment of your imagination.
What's the deal with people who refuse to embrace technology?
Answers on a postcard please.
What do you call a T-Rex that gets into a fight with the Indominus Rex? Dino-sore.
How rare is an excellent father?
Legen-daddy
Did you hear about the submarine industry?
It really took a dive...
You're like the neighbors' WiFi. Everyone wants to use you.
My love is like a fractal. It goes on forever!