We have always been in turtle awe of her artistic skills.
My frinds call me Legato, since I'm so smooth
Wait until you see my thunda from down unda!
I tried to milk my cow last night, but nothing I did seemed to work. It was an udder failure.
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
How do cats say goodbye in Italy?
Miao.
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.
Q: What do you say when a pharaoh doesn't pay you?
A: Egypted me! (He jipped me)
“There’s no such thing as bad weather, just soft people.”
– Bill Bowerman
A chap goes to see the doctor with salt on one ear and pepper on the other. The doctor says, “You need to start eating more sensibly”.
Are you an exception? I bet I can catch you.
I avoid bike trails after dark. They are full of cycle paths.
What holds the moon up?
Moonbeams!
Why don't murderers often attend tea parties?
They prefer a casual tea.
How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Nobody knows because no-one ever watches the conductor.
A Portuguese, Spaniard, Dane, Finn, Swede, German, French, Italian, Belgian, Austrian, Czech, Polish, Russian, Afgani, Serbian, Brit, Irish, Scot, Sardinian, Corsican, Icelander, Belarian, Romanian, Yugoslavian, Hungarian, Ukrainian, Bulgarian, Turk, Morrocan, Algerian, Liberian, Sudanese, S. African, Zambian, Ethiopian, Bosnian, Nigerian, Angolan, Botswanian, Tanzanian, Saudi Arabian, Kuwaiti, Iranian, Iraqi, Pakistanian, Mongolian, Indian, Burman, Chinese, Cambodian, Laotian, Somalian, Yemen, Syrian, Israeli, Armenian, Philipino, Javan, Australian, Sri Lankan, Malaysian, Georgian, Taiwanese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Puerto Rican, Dominican Republican, Aruban, Jamacian, Cuban, Haitian, El Salvadorian, Guatamalan, Nicaraguan, Costa Rican, Panamanian, American, Canadian, Mexican, Argentinian, Bolivian, Peruvian, Columbian, Brazilian, Ecuadorian and a Venezuelan walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, "Sorry. I cannot serve you without a Thai."
What is blood's message to the world? B POSITIVE.
What's an inmates favorite place to hangout? At the bars.
Guess what I got my toilet for its birthday?
A Urinal cake.
Q. What did the bully do to the orange?
A. Beat him to a pulp.
Wine Lovers Rhyme: A friend of wine is a friend of mine!
One trick peony.
Two friends were hanging out. One asks the other: "Hey, do you know about the famous detective that can't do bowel movements?"
The other friend replies: "No sh** Sherlock, of course I do!"
What cheese should you use to hide a horse? Mascarpone.
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
I heard a heart wrenching story recently.
A car mechanic became a cardiac surgeon.
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
Two blonds were driving down the road.
The blond driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working.
So the blond looks out the window and says, "Yes. No. Yes. No."
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
Two kittens on a sloped roof.
Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest mew.
"Eggs-cuse me."
What’s a shark favorite substance?
Reefer.
Why do ice cream cones make such bad athletes?
They always get licked.
I am lucky we are hiking together this evening.
What is a Ghost’s favourite toy to play with? Leg-oooooooooooooooo!
Which sea creatures cry the most?
Whales!
Plain popcorn? You can do butter than that.
Do you have any raisins?
No? How about a date?
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
You’d better be a cardiologist because something about you makes me want to give you my heart.
Someone asked me recently why I don't put any ketchup or mustard on my hotdog
And I told them it's because I just wanna relish it.
Recently I was at a store walking down the flash drives and hard drives section.
I have to say, it was quite a walk down the memory lane.
I was making a salad the other day, and I thought I heard a small red vegetable that was a bit like an onion whispering. Must have been a hoarse radish.
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
Bob Hope
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite movie?
A. Planet of the Apes.
The old and wise onion had once told me that life is similar to onions. Whenever we peel off our protective layers, we end up crying.
Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.