What do peach soldiers say to each other before they are sent into combat? – “Good luck and make sure you come back in one peach!”
What cosmetic does DNA put on?
Genetic makeup.
What do elves learn when they go to school?
The elf-abet.
My son ate daffodil bulbs instead of onions
But that's really serious! Is he in hospital?
Yes, he's still a bit yellow, but he should be coming out in the spring.
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch big band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
Why was the horse a great editor?
She was very thorough bred.
Baby, you make my rover raise its mast into a vertical position.
When does it rain brains?
During a brain storm.
Although knights were considered protectors of the realm, they sometimes did get involved in the politics of their time. This was because the knights followed knight-wing politics.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
This is a taco and burrito conversation.
Nachos.
Irish you luck.
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
Are you an exoplanet? Because I’m bad at astronomy and pick up lines.
Here’s my best advice for getting a job in the lotion industry:
Apply daily.
What do troll mathematicians like to solve?
Parabolems?
And yes, gnomes are always trying to get to first base with the ladies.
Why wasn’t the giraffe invited to the party?
He was a pain in the neck.
"We found eggs in a hopeless place."
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
Why was the horse feeling a bit sick?
Its voice was a bit hoarse.
Halloween was nearly over, and the zombie was hurrying to get back to her tomb before the sun came up.
She was rushing so much, she didn't even notice the headstone was the wrong shape before she got in. It was a grave mistake.
Did you hear about the piglets who wanted to do something special for Mother’s Day?
They threw a sowprize party.
What’s a dog’s favorite condiment?
Fetch-up.
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”
— Sicilian Proverb
Why does the yogi meditate under the citrus tree?
Because it’s a sub-lime spot.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
There’s always someone,
Who’s better than you
My sheep-powered computer was starting to run slowly
So I added more ram
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion.
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long?
A pi-thon.
What is the camels’ favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpty dumpty.
What did the banana say to the monkey? Nothing, bananas can't talk!
What do you call really scared pasta?
Chicken noodles.
I went to the store today and bought some really oddly shaped eggs.
Now I can't find them. I think they've been mislaid.
Why don't pets make good astronauts?
They're afraid of the spay station
Oh, Darling, I'd like to be in your octopus garden
What do we call the basketball team that won the donuts championships? – dunkin donuts.
What's the best Beatles' song to play at a coffee shop? Latte Be.
What do you get when you cross a dog and a frog?
A Croaker Spaniel.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
The soup that my mom made for dinner healed my flu in a day. It was almost soup-er natural.
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
I almost got a world record for having the most peas up my nose but sadly I blew it.
You hear that? The ocean wants you to join me for a drink.
What do you call a snake that builds things?
A boa constructor.
What did the koala say to his girlfriend?
I love you-calpytus.
What will you get if you cross a tiger and a watchdog? A terrified watchman.
“Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches.”
Unknown