Hey, girl. Are you a soccer player? Because yuo look like you can play ball even without hands.
Q: What falls but never hits the ground?
A: The temperature
Did you hear about the sign on the bakery that got everyone talking? It said “I knead dough to live.”
Did you hear about the color bomb?
Yeah it blue up.
When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for plastic surgery." ~ Joan Rivers
One mermaid said to the other, "I love your shell bracelet, can I Triton?"
Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica? It's dread-full.
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his dessert?
Cause he was stuffed.
Why don't some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out.
If you see a ghost, you should always say, 'How do you boo?'
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
Did you hear the joke about the elephant who was stuck in a tree last spring? To get down, she had to sit down on a branch and wait until fall.
Which country do sheep go on vacation? The Baaa-hamas.
We had a lively debate in physics.
It was a conversation of energy.
"When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away."
- Robert M. Hutchins.
Is your tent erect yet or do you need help with that?
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
Why did the watermelon go crazy?
“He lost his rind.”
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin you — hand over the cash!
Q: Why do peas dislike noisy eaters?
A: Because they want peas and quiet.
Are you a burger? Because you can be the meat between my buns.
It’s so cold the anticipation of waiting for my ketchup to come out of the bottle lasted three months.
Why do we enjoy wine jokes?
Because they're de-vine!
What is the collective noun for Ghosts? Team spirit.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
When the wolf stood on the grape, the latter said nothing but let out a little bit of a wine.
Through three cheese trees three free fleas flew.
While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew.
Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze.
Freezy trees made these trees' cheese freeze.
That's what made these three free fleas sneeze.
I whale always love you.
How do koalas stay in shape? They do bearobics.
Two days ago, I named my Wifi to "Hack it if you can".
Yesterday it was changed to "Challenge accepted".
When she spotted fake ramen in her soup, she said, “ This soup has impasta in it.”
If you can't get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries.
How do you make a million dollars playing jazz? Start off with 2 million.
What did the vicar use for his vegetable patch?
Lettuce spray.
Hey girl, you sure float my Ark.
My mother's sister was a gamble who enjoyed poker. She would heartily add to the initial pot but fold after the first hand...
We called her Auntie Up.
How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
Tell it a funny Halloween joke and see which end laughs!
I'm attracted to you like the Earth is attracted to the Sun - with a large force inversely proportional to the distance squared.
I’d be Carol-ying if I said you weren’t absolutely stunning.
What do you call it when a doctor puts a camera inside of a bottle of perfume?
A cologne-oscopy.
Are those Guess jeans? Because guess who wants to get into them.
My love for you is like a fruitcake during the holidays - nutty, spicy and unavoidable, no matter how hard you try.
Nowadays oranges have decided to go out with prune. The reason is that it is becoming so hard to find a date.
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” - Steven Wright
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“Hiking—much like drinking—is something that sounds more fun to the uninitiated than it actually is.” – Mindy McGinnis
A wise saying among werewolves: Chasing your tail will not make ends meet.
What do koalas do when they’re facing a tough situation? They grin and bear it.
Why are ducks bad drivers?
Their windshields are qwacked.
Crows hold grudges. They're also fond of eating the dead. Now...
they've been found to copulate with corpses.
NeCROWphilia.