“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it.” — Groucho Marx
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
The insane amount of rainfall in Poland did not lead the river to flood, all was in Oder.
What do you call a werewolf who cuts down trees?
A timber wolf.
Did you hear about the new Smashing Pumpkins cover band?
They call themselves Squished Squash!
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Ben.
Ben who?
Ben knocking For 10 minutes.
What do you give a horse that has just won the Kentucky Derby? An Appletini.
Hey girl, I won't be able to see you for the next few weeks.
I'm giving up sweet things for Lent.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Ears.
Ears who?
Ears one more beaver joke for you.
Where do Ghosts travel to for a holiday? South Aarghfricaargh.
What do yuppie sharks like to drink?
Jaw-va.
What does a bee do when it is extremely hot?
It takes off its yellow jacket!
Babe, are you Spotify? Because I would pay premium to spend uninterrupted time with you.
The artist shouldn't have taken that sculpture for granite, now it's stone-cold.
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”
Mushrooms always hate going to school. They feel inferior before the rest because they are always so spore-d.
I was trying to look at a picture of the ocean but kept having to reload the page, it finally worked after 5 attempts.
That was refreshing to sea.
Cut a piece of poo into three pieces today.
Now I have turds.
Why do chickens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they’d break.
My parents always brought me up to believe the sky's the limit.
Which was a shame because I wanted to be an astronaut.
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
A balding magician had an act where he'd put a rabbit on his head and make it disappear...
The hare vanished into thin hair.
Why wasn’t the dog a smooth talker?
Because he couldn’t stop saying “ruff ruff”.
Is your name pronounced Ee-an, or Eye-an? I hope it’s the latter cuz I’ve got my Ian you
We had a lively debate in physics.
It was a conversation of energy.
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
Whenever I see you my heart races. I hope to win first place.
Why do vampires always dress so nice?
Because they’re so vein!
I allow myself only one donut per year.
This morning I had 433 B.C., 1731, and 1952.
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"
The police hung up the phone call when I informed them about a murder in my front yard. They said they could not do anything regarding the crows.
What do leprechauns love to barbecue? Short ribs!
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
Canary-birds feed on sugar and seed,
Parrots have crackers to crunch;
And, as for the poodles, they tell me the noodles
Have chickens and cream for their lunch.
But there’s never a question
About MY digestion—
Anything does for me!
Cats, you’re aware, can repose in a chair,
Chickens can roost upon rails;
Puppies are able to sleep in a stable,
And oysters can slumber in pails.
But no one supposes
A poor Camel dozes—
Any place does for me!
...
People would laugh if you rode a giraffe,
Or mounted the back of an ox;
It’s nobody’s habit to ride on a rabbit,
Or try to bestraddle a fox.
But as for a Camel, he’s
Ridden by families—
Any load does for me!
(Charles E. Carryl)
How many sheets could a sheet slitter slit if a sheet slitter could slit sheets?
You love dogs. I love dogs. I think we may just be the paw-fect match.
My chair is missing an arm and a leg.
That doesn't sit well with me.
What happened to the girl's phone when she was getting a perm done? She got a frizzy signal.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
What do you call an elephant with an aerial on his head?
An elephant-enna.
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
How many French eggs do you need?
One egg is un oeuf.
Why did the cat run away from the tree? Because of its bark!
It’s your birthday, I know
But I couldn’t care less
Where is the cake, that’s the part I love best?
I understand it’s your birthday
But I am telling you now
If the cake doesn’t come soon
I’m throwing in the towel
What do snakes do when they get angry?
They throw hissy fits.