What do you call a cold dog?
A pup-sicle. Better steer clear, especially if he’s fur-ocious… don’t want him to give you frost-bite.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
Someone from Southern France sent me an MS Word file with 200 pages.
It's a Languedoc.
Do you need new shoes?
Coz you've been running through my mind since the day I met you.
“The smallest snowstorm on record took place an hour ago in my back yard. It was approximately two flakes. I waited for more to fall, but that was it.”
― Richard Brautigan
This weekend is going to be LITerary.
How are pirates like trumpets?
They murder the high C’s!
What do dinosaurs have that no other animals have? Baby Dinosaurs.
Q: What did one tooth say to the other tooth?
A: Thar's gold in them fills!
This very fair weather actually makes me feel like a feather!
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”
Greenville Kleisser
Why did the elephant start the stampede?
Because it wanted to be herd.
What do you call a group of chess players bragging about how they won in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
What kind of berry has a coloring book? A crayon-berry
Daughter: Did you get a hair cut?
Dad: No sweetheart I got em all cut.
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping onions which made me cry
Onions was a good dog
What do moon people do after they get married?What do moon people do after they get married?
Go on their honeyearth.
What is your favorite yoga pose?
My fridge is hotter than you.
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
I know, I’ll never have a chance with you but will you give me a chance to hear an angel talk?
Will you give me your number or will you let me spend the whole night guessing the digits?
I used to be a werewolf but I’m ok noooooooooooow!!
Love me do
Hey girl, are you a cell phone? Because I just want to look at you all night long.
Why was the bouncy castle so expensive? Due to the cost of inflation.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
My pet seal was getting a bit old and wrinkly
...so I bought a seal iron
I love you so much, you’re so perfect to me,
You’re gorgeous and smart, you make me happy.
Your talent amazes me, you’re so good at all things,
You’re better than anyone at plucking my heartstrings,
And now that you know and you’re in a great mood,
Please do me a favor and make me some food!
Where will Kim Jong-un’s ashes be stored?
In a Kim Jong-urn
How can you spot a fashionista donut?
They’re into all the latest glazes.
What do you call a mouse with no balls?
Optical.
When did the pianist finally turn their life around?
After they hit Rockbottomoff.
What did the salt shaker say to the graint of salt? Why you INSALT MEEE.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
My dear, I’ve got some important news,
Please know it’s nothing bad,
But today I had to X-ray my head,
And your picture is all it had!
Since getting sober, I decided to go with the cheapest cell phone provider I can find!
Way fewer bars!!!
Question: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?
Answer: Peach gobbler!
What happened the first time one of the settlers tried to write favor instead of favour?
He was attacked by a Pil-grammar nazi.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
How does the sun say hi to the moon?
With a heat wave!
The perfect name for a sad and morose strawberry is a blueberry.
Car Salesman: And if you don't like this color, we have another one in "Boulder Gray"
Me: Gray isn't very bold to begin with, how did you make it bolder?
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
The favorite soccer position for ghosts is the ghoul keeper.