Two ghosts were at a disco. One was having a fa-boo-lous time and the other wanted to boo-gie all night long!
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
What did the river say when it saw beavers for the first time? “Well, I’ll be dammed.”
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
“Not telling me something because you don’t want to piss me off is probably the best way to piss me off.”
— ScorpioQuotes.com
"You make me egg-static."
My doctor recommended exercise to slim down as well as some orange juice for vitamins
It’s the weight and C approach I guess.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
Did you get a hair cut?
No, I got them all cut.
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
There was an Old Man of the Dee,
Who was sadly annoyed by a flea;
When he said, 'I will scratch it,'
They gave him a hatchet,
Which grieved that Old Man of the Dee.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Jamaican.
Jamaican who?
Jamaican me horny.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
People tend to compare aging to a bottle of wine.
You find yourself a little stout and round,
And dust may litter your behind.
Like the grapes that create a fine wine,
The fruits of your labor have become your wisom from age.
Timeless and valued beyond compare,
And the lable may need a bit of repair.
But unlucky for you,
None of this is true.
I wish I could say something better,
My friend, you have aged like cheddar.
The guy missed both his serves on match point. I won by de-fault.
How rare is an excellent father?
Legen-daddy
Why can’t people hear your scream in the space? Because it’s miles away.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
Why did the gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
Cute dog! I just wanted to take this op-paw-tunity to say hi!
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you going to let me in?.
“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous
What do you call a musician who just saw Medusa?
A rockstar!
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because you obviously landed on your face.
My favorite music is by Spandau Croc-quet.
What's the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?
Black eyed peas can sing a tune, chickpeas can only hummus one.
How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
Why did the peanut take everything off its wall? It didn’t want any walnuts.
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
Why was McGruff the Crime Dog ejected from the football game?
He was called for unnecessary gruffness!
If I had a nickel for every time my wife forgot to unplug her curling iron, I still wouldn't have a house.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
I had a flamingo come to stay with me when he had a cold. We nicknamed him phlegmingo.
What do the lady pigs say when someone leaves the toilet seat up? “Hoof-orgot to put the seat down?"
Ana hits a lot of floating shots that her opponents destroy for winners. We need to sitter down and have a talk.
When you tip the ketchup bottle,
First will come a little, then a lot'll.
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
How do you make holy water?
Make sure to boil the hell out of it.
The soup that my mom made for dinner healed my flu in a day. It was almost soup-er natural.
You’re a woman from East Transylvania
Dating Dracula, with his weird mania.
He asks you each night
To go out for a bite —
An experience certain to drain ya.
Why did the cherry blossom tree seem scared when it was trying to make a cherry pie? Because it was baking like a leaf.
“Sunday morning my head is bad. But it's worth all the time I had. But I've got to go and get some rest. For Monday is a mess!”
– Dave Bartholomew, Blue Monday
Call me AC/DC, because I'm gonna rock you all night long!
How long does it take for electricity to travel the length of a 10 car train?
It all depends on the conductor.
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
"To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question."
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie