What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
What do mosquitoes and relatives have in common?
They both share your blood.
I like rivers very much. I was watching a live stream earlier.
What did the Gorilla say to his friend when he called him back on the phone?
You-Rang-a-Tang?
Nice life preservers.
“Everything goes better with tacos.”
― Rachel Caine
What do you do when you try to bake a cherry pie for the first time and it doesn't turn out so well? Just wait for the second bite of the cherry.
Even the most powerful storms of Jupiter couldn’t keep me from you!
If you eat too many cherries, you can sometimes end up with digestive issues. It really is the pits.
My little brother had to stay with our parents when we went to Italy. I was free to Rome.
Why do worms have trouble getting up in the morning? Because the early bird catches the worm.
Man: If your left leg was breakfast and your right leg was lunch, I wouldn't be able to resist snacking between meals.
Woman: If your left leg was yoga and your right leg was cycling, I wouldn't be able to resist kickboxing between classes.
What do you call an 'O' on fire?
Flamingo.
I can heartly wait to see you again.
I'll light your fire for you if you want!
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put I at the beginning and U at the end.
If you were words on a page, you'd be what they call the FINE print!
My neighbors are listening to great music.
Whether they like it or not.
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!
Roberta ran rings around the Roman ruins.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
Every single morning I get hit by the same bike.
It's a vicious cycle.
What did the icy road say to the car?
“Want to go for a spin?”
What is fog's favorite drink? Mountain Dew
What type of elements know everybody on earth?
Met-all.
Did you here about the croc with a serious drug addiction?
It was a crackodile.
Aren’t you supposed to be on top of that tree? Because you’re a star.
The weather is almost as beautiful as you, m'lady.
I chucked my phone into a very deep lake.
Somehow it's still syncing.
"You're perfect in every way, just not for me."
Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?
I heard he was diploid.
Hey there cyclist, an I make you a recovery drink? You're going to need it.
The Romans must have thought the year three thousand was going to be tasty.
MMM
What do you call a herd of undead llamas?
The zombie alpacalypse.
What do you call someone who chokes on their tea?
A cough-y drinker.
What do penguins wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
From a frog: Hey baby, it's a future rose from a future prince.
What did the bottled water tell the spy?
The names bond, Hydrogen bond.
RIP boiled water.
You will be mist.
Why should you make a cherry pie for someone that you miss? Because absence bakes the heart grow fonder.
What do you call a line of men out on the lawn, having sausages and waiting to have a haircut and shave?
A barber queue.
Why did the rabbit like the adventure? It was a “hare-raising tail.”
In some way, being a bowl of soup is like being a man. You are only blown when you are hot!
Are you enjoying your sweet potatoes this Thanksgiving?
I know I yam!
What is the Abominable Snowman's favourite type of cup?
A yeti.
What is a mathematician's favorite part of a big Thanksgiving feast?
Pumpkin pi.
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.