Doctor said I’m at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.
I took what he said with a grain of salt.
My local restaurant recently lost out on an entire order of the best local beef. No one has herd what happened to it.
Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.
You be the battery, I’ll be the aluminum foil and together we’ll light up the world.
I think i spent way too much on this table. It is just not a foldable.
Why was the dog such a good storyteller?
Because he knew how to paws for dramatic effect.
"It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack."
― Germany Kent
The weatherman said it might get a bit drizzly outside.
You can expect a Lil’ Wayne.
What do you call writing a book about breeding bats to pull carriages? A wheely bat idea.
You have to act quickly during a flood because it's an emergent sea.
Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
St. Nickeless.
I asked a French man if he played video games
He said, "Wii."
What kind of dog keeps everything they own?
A hoarder collie.
What is a chillin' banana's favorite song?
Mellow Yellow!
If you eat too many cherries, you can sometimes end up with digestive issues. It really is the pits.
What do your call a dinosaur with one eye? Eye-saur.
There's snow place like the mountains in winter.
What kind of beer can you make from a potato?
Spud Light.
Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize? Because he was outstanding in his field.
Oh Miles, you make me Smiles.
You must be glue because I am sticking with you.
Why do words and punctuation end up in court? To be sentenced.
"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.
I thought love had it in for me,
it didn’t treat me nice.
It kicked my butt and ran me down
and crushed me in its vice.
Love would do me in, I knew.
What saved me from that fate?
You came into my life, of course,
and now love treats me great!
(Susanna Rose)
Sinks cannot open doors
Let that sink in.
I just had the most manly craft beer at my Israeli restaurant.
It was called He-Brew.
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
Why did the police dog get promoted?
Because he was the scenter of so many drug arrests.
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
So engineering school is really hard.
I'm not doing so hot in thermodynamics.
We’re in a-green-ment.
If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw
What do you call a gorilla with a machine gun ?
Whatever it wants to be called.
I saw you walking by me,
And I fell for you right then.
The sun was shining on your face,
Your hair was blowing in the wind.
But something strange did happen,
A shimmer came across your face.
I blinked and suddenly you were gone,
My heart increased its pace.
I looked around to try and find you,
But alas, you left, you’d gone,
My beautiful reflection,
Washed away inside the pond.
My friend accidentally got salt in his papercut.
Talk about adding insalt to injury.
Which cranial nerve would be right at home in a well-known city in Nevada?
The vagus nerve.
Why did the blonde put sugar on her bed? Because she wanted sweet dreams!
Another candle on your cake?
Well, that's no cause to pout.
Be glad that you have strength enough
To blow the d*** thing out.
Dr. Frankenstein must have been pretty buff.
He was a bodybuilder, after all.
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
Ann and Andy's anniversary is in April.
Where do southern Viking descendants go after death?
Y'allhalla.
What’s black and white and very noisy?
A panda with a set of drums.
I don't think you can diagnose me because there's no treatment for being madly in love.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."