Are you a parking ticket? Because you're evidence that I made a mistake.
You seem a little mer-mad.
What does Satan shave with?
A hell razor.
He is a humble husband. Unlike others, he never blows his crumpet after making breakfast for his wife everyday.
Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
"Whale, what do we have here?" said the mermaid.
My grandfather recently passed, and I discovered in his journal that he has an immense hatred for sloths, pandas, and koala bears. Looking back, it was obvious.
He was always going on about those darn tree-huggers.
What did the owl’s valentine say?
You are hootiful.
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life!”
Did you hear about the boat dock that committed murder?
He’s going to be judged by a jury of its piers.
What happened when the two giraffes had a race?
It was neck and neck.
Did you hear about the cloud who became king? He rained for years.
Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.
Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.
Q. What do they call the gorilla marathon runner who only wins when it's pouring outdoors?
A. The raining chimp-ion.
“I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year.” — Adele Larson, “Home for the Holidays”
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom? Because the 'p' is silent
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
My dad was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
I have an uncle, once removed.
Have you heard about the guy who stole a truck carrying supplies of disinfectant? Police say he made a clean getaway.
Just a buffalo laying down, bisoness as usual.
I'd give me right arm to be ambidextrous!
“Did you hear the forecast for Christmas Eve? They’re calling for rain, dear!”
Did you hear about the big company that made syrup from contaminated trees? They maple their syrup from the shelves.
What type of cats usually purr the best? Purr-sians!
Gas rig men grilled by villagers - The Oxford Times
Why are ghouls so healthy?
They always eat fresh food!
Woddy Allen
Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
- George Benard Shaw
What’s an orca’s favorite TV show?
Whale Of Fortune.
How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.
Two snowmen were standing in a yard. One asked the other, "Do you smell carrot?" The other snowman replied, "No, but I can taste coal."
I knew this gift would make you smile,
It's perfect for your many adventures,
Now you can take a bite out of life,
With a pair of brand-new dentures.
(Kevin Nishmas)
It’s so cold a glacier was seen heading slowly down the main street of our town.
I went to my kid's school for an art exhibition
It was paper view.
Do you comma here often?
Who puts money under a deer’s pillow when they lose a tooth?
The hoof fairy.
How does Santa look after the grass on his three gardens? Ho, ho ho.
What do you call a gorilla wearing headphones?
Anything you'd like, it can't hear you.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
What kind of button won't unbutton? A bellybutton!
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
Why do criminals hate coins?
Because half of them are coppers.
I bought a 400 year-old chair from Italy,
but as soon as I sat on it, it baroque.
What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty on Halloween?
Ghoul-aid!!!
What activity should you do when you’re babysitting little cheeses?
Build a roquefort.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud