What do you call a month’s worth of rain?
England.
What’s the best way to serve pi?
A la mode. Anything else is mean.
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
An extremely slim model, Miss Slater,
Was attacked by a croc and it ate 'er.
Said her trainer, Tough deal,
What a horrible meal,
We should throw it some greens and potater.
Levi's should pay you a royalty.
If Princess Toad looked liked you, I would have killed Bowser years ago.
I went to the backyard this morning and saw a bird of prey drinking a pumpkin spice latte.
It was a millennial falcon.
Where do fish go to watch movies?
At the dive-in.
I gave my heart to a girl from Great Britain.
She turns around and Brexit into a million pieces.
Berries are the most fashionista of the fruits, they can really cherry off the wildest outfits.
Oh, this flower in my hand? I was just showing it how beautiful you are.
Have you heard about the new meat that’s taking the world by storm? It’s a cross between a cow and a chicken. They call it “roost beef”.
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for plastic surgery." ~ Joan Rivers
Does all this rain make you want an ark?
I Noah guy.
Set or be set. This is certainly the right way to look at things.
“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Unknown
There was an Old Man of the Wrekin
Whose shoes made a horrible creaking
But they said, 'Tell us whether,
Your shoes are of leather,
Or of what, you Old Man of the Wrekin?'
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
“Don’t wear perfume in the garden – unless you want to be pollinated by bees.”
— Anne Raver
I found this amazing bluegrass band that does covers of 80s rock.
They call themselves Ban Jovi.
What do you get when you cross a shark with a snowman?
Frostbite.
When God integrated Planet Earth, he didn’t forget his integral calculus lesson.
He remembered to add the sea.
Excuse me, but I think I dropped something! My jaw.
Where does Batman go to take a dump?
To the batroom of course!
Last time I was in France I wanted to ask a question about strawberries
But I wasn't sure how to fraise it.
I quit my job at the concrete plant.
My job was getting harder & harder.
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
Without you, I feel like a fragment. Incomplete.
Would you allow me to experience what’s beyond your Event Horizon?
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin time to give you a kiss.
There was a young fellow named Clyde,
who fell in an outhouse and died.
Along came his brother,
and fell in another,
and now they're interred side by side.
Did you hear about the viking cannibal?
He had a Swede-tooth.
Why did the thieves kidnap the monkey?
Because they believed in gibbon take.
What’s Frankenstein’s favorite food?
Frankenfurters.
Why did the dad prefer driving in the rain?
Things ran more fluidly.
You can tell the gender of an ant by putting it on top of water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it doesn't, buoyant.
Did you hear about the crab that went to the seafood disco? He pulled a muscle
My wife was trying to feed our son a pear, and he was refusing.
I said, Good news. Our son is immune to pear pressure.
Which murderer kills at the bottom of the ocean?
Jack the Kipper.
I have an April fools joke going on with my landlord
I am not paying rent this April 1st hehe, don't tell him.
Why are rabbits so lucky? They have four rabbit’s feet.
“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Water.
Water who?
Water your plans for the weekend, Mr Beaver?
Why should you never tell jokes about radon, cobalt and yttrium? They are just too CoRnY.
What’s the most expensive kind of fish?
A gold fish.
What do you call a grandpa flower?
Poppy.
What do Krakens eat?
Fish and ships.
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
Are you from a fairytale? Your beauty is magical