So I was standing at a bus station having a smoke and I was horrified to see the bus leave the bus station without me....
I could have sworn I put the handbrake on!!
What did the girl say when she got a fake call? "I think that call was phoney".
Where do otters keep their money? In the river bank!
Why did Eve want to leave the garden of Eden and move to New York ? She fell for the Big Apple !
My biology class was going on and on, and I was stuck in the middle of it. Well, you know, this is how it feels to be an on-i-on.
What did the sarcastic otter say?
I think you’ve confused me with someone who builds a dam.
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with a kangaroo?
An animal that keeps its nuts in its pockets.
What happened after the conifer fell in love at the orchard? A pineapple tree.
Why did the czar cross the road?
To get to his car.
I'll be your farm boy if you'll be my Princess Bride.
You’re not 50 years old, you are 20 years old with 30 years of experience!
“Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.”
— Unknown
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
What do you think walking on the moon is like?
Not very impactful.
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
I think it was Scampoo.
Party Host: Would you like to try some mulled wine?
Party Guest: I'll have to think it over...
Let’s put our tulips together.
What do you call a half man half horse in the middle of an army formation?
The centaur of attention.
“The inventor of cobblestones was clearly not communicating with the inventor of luggage wheels.”
What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fork
Fork who?
Fork-get it, I'm leaving!
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
What is an Italian’s favorite type of dog?
A ciao ciao.
What do worms leave round their baths? The scum of the earth.
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
Hi, I’m writing a phone book, can I have your number?
Q: Why did the fruit finish her homework so quickly?
A: Because the homework was a peach of cake.
My feelings of love for you are like the stars in the sky. They're probably long dead.
What was Beethoven’s favourite fruit?
BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA... BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA...
There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter,
He fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.
What would you get if you'd put a lawyer in a suit? A lawsuit.
I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I really lava you!
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
It says right here that this frozen pizza is enough for two.
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
Walking through the farm and a group of pigs jumped out of a tree on me.
It was a hambush.
Did you here about the croc with a serious drug addiction?
It was a crackodile.
Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.
I hate worms and snakes because they have no feet.
You might say that I am lacktoes intolerant.
What’s a milk’s favorite fruit? Cow-conuts.
A thief stole my toothbrush.
It left a bad taste in my mouth.
I’m a wrapper, so I get a lot of dough. A bread wrapper, that is.
Have you ever tried setting fire to a flamingo? It’s really easy, you just burn the O.
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
Albert Einstein, Blaise Pascal, and Isaac Newton decided to play a game of hide and seek.
Einstein covers his eyes and starts counting.
Pascal runs off to hide but Newton takes a chalk and marks a 1m×1m square on the floor and stands in it.
"Ready or not, here I come!" Einstein exclaims while he opens his eyes. He sees Newton standing out in the open and says "Haha, I found you Newton!"
Newton replies "No, you found Pascal."
Are you a big fan of beef? I am. In fact, I could eat it until the cows come home.
I can row a boat.
Canoe?