My biology class was going on and on, and I was stuck in the middle of it. Well, you know, this is how it feels to be an on-i-on.
Why did the penguin cross the road twice?
To prove he wasn’t chicken.
What does a shark like to eat with peanut butter? Jellyfish!
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
Have you read the book about hands? It’s a real page turner.
I felt sad for my brother's computer being overclocked because I heard the processor say, "Stop it! It hertz so much!".
"My routine is to ride that snooze button as far as it will take me, take a quick shower, get dressed in the dark and bolt out the door."
— Willie Geist
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.
She saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure she saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa?
Why did the jazz musician refuse to be quarantined?
Cause he was an outdoor cat.
Girl, if we were lymphocytes, you’d be a natural killer.
“It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.” – Family Guy
Sir William Howe... are you doing?
Softball is just like baseball
Except the tactics seem more underhanded.
"I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises."
- Neil Armstrong.
It's lunchtime and the newcomer at my workplace is on a plane to India
Turns out, someone told him that the nearby Delhi has the best sandwiches
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
I C Major potential in us getting together.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
Did you hear about the gnome city that doesn’t let humans through the gates? They call it Gno-man’s-land.
What did the grilled cheese say to the frying pan?
You make me melt.
May you be granted no memory,
Of the people you wished took a hike,
May your luck hold out for decades,
Bringing you only the folks you like.
May your eyes never fail you,
When you need to tell the difference,
May your walker go from zero to 60,
So you could stay at a safe distance.
(Kevin Nishmas)
When Chuck Norris smokes a joint
the weed gets high of Chuck Norris.
I hope the only things that blow are candles and balloons. Have a great birthday!
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
Why did the man continue to eat whole peaches? Because he has a bottomless pit.
My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
Do you know the hardest part about making skimmed milk? Having to throw the cows across the lake.
What's a redneck's favorite beer?
An open one.
Girl, you can kiss heaven goodbye because it's got to be a sin to look that good.
There are three things verbose realtors find most important:
Loquacion. Loquacion. Loquacion.
What's the difference between a pickle and a psychiatrist?
If you don't know, you ought to stop talking to your pickle!
Have you heard the fast gladiator that was a tumor covered in dough?
He was a Roamin' Tumor Roll.
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
"A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places."
– Tom Lichtenheld
What's a skeletons favorite activity?
Boning.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
My friend was going to a painting competition, so I wished him, "Grey the force be with you".
I couldn't shave this morning because someone stole my mirror.
The police are looking into it.
When you cross an orange and a bunny, you will end up with a pip squeak.
What did the coffees say before their night out? Let's stir up some trouble.
Just can't get away from my broken keyboard. There's no escape.
Q: Why did the cloud do drugs and join a gang?
A: Atmospheric pressure.
Hey, did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because honestly, Karen, you are a demon.
My dad used to say "the sky's the limit"
Which is probably why he got fired from his job at N.A.S.A.
What did the baby mosquito say after his first flight?
“Mama, mama! Did you see that? Everyone was clapping for me!”
Drowning doesn't seem too bad if you would give me mouth-to-mouth.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad you are alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!
Why did the belt get arrested? He held up a pair of pants.