How do little avocados get what they want?
They spread it on thick.
Flowers like our minds, open at the right time. Mine has opened to receive your love.
Did you hear about the paddle sale at the boat store? It was quite an oar deal.
Wanna partner up so we can test the spring potential of my bed mattress?
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
How do you call stage diving at Oktoberfest?
Krautsurfing.
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
What do you call a viking who is attracted to both genders?
Biking
Why did the FBI surround the president with cows? They were beefing up security!”
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
Why did the fruit bat eat the orange?
“Because it had appeal.”
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet? blood-thirsty hacker baby
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
When it comes to board games about buying real estate, Hasbro has a monopoly…
An electrolyte and a solvent are talking in jail.
Solvent: What are you in for?
Electrolyte: A salt charge.
The fact that I'm missing some teeth only means that there's more room for your tongue.
The perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving is to put super glue on your lips.
If you're not able to eat your Thanksgiving dinner, it can't go straight to your hips.
That's the perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving.
But if you can't get your lips unstuck, one week later you'll no longer be living.
- Randy Johnson
Love me do
What has 4 wheels and flies?
Garbage truck
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
I heard the local flasher was due to retire.
But hes decided to stick it out for another year.
Why are skeletons so good at telling jokes?
Because they have a funny bone.
Hi, Santa said you wished for me. Good choice.
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
I’m a small Irish creature who has been diagnosed with a serious sickness. It’s Leprechronic.
If you travel to the future and get decapitated
You'd be ahead of your time
Whoever discovered calculus sounded a bit derivative.
What book of the bible do you read on a beach?
The book of psalms trees.
Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Mount Gilead.
How does a bear get from one place to another?
On a bear-o-plane.
Are you sugar? Because I want you in everything I have.
How do bats line up in school?
In alpha-bat-ical order.
There’s a man in Florida with no arms or legs who is armed and on the run
You didn't hear the joke about cell phones?
Probably because it had a bad reception.
A bear's least favorite pastry at any party is the blue bear-y pie.
There is a young schoolboy named Mason,
Whose mom cuts his hair with a basin.
When he stands in one place,
With a scarf round his face,
It's a mystery which way he’s facing.
I'm training to be an anesthetist, so I asked the head surgeon "Can I practice on my self first?"
He said "Sure, knock yourself out!"
What do you call it when leprechauns get together after being apart?
A wee-union!
A Viking walked into a bar.
The bartender asked, Why the long ship?
How is it that elephants are always ready for a swim?
They never forget their trunks!
What do you call a dinosaur that's a noisy sleeper? A Bronto-snorus.
What does an onion say when you are upset because of it one day? It says, "I am sorry that I made you cry!"
The group of crows that attacked the lady was accused of murder, the cawps are still looking for the probable caws.
What’s a penguin’s favorite salad?
Iceberg lettuce!
What did God say to the polar bears when they told him they hate spring and summer?
Well, they can't all be winters.