Baby seal walks into a club...
Years later he would sing A kiss from a rose in the same club.

“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin

What did the crow decide to dress up as on Halloween? As a scarecrow.

Hello, allow me to hi-Jack this conversation

There's a microchip you can transplant into your brain to boost your memory
You should keep that in mind.

What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog.

Why is it always cold during Christmas? Because its Decemburrrrrrrr.

Taking a romantic ride today,
We sat upon the wagon.
Suddenly the horse lifted his tail
And we heard a roaring dragon!

The deafening sound hurt my ears
And the smell burned the hairs in my nose.
My girlfriend sat and glared at me.
Somehow my fault I suppose.

It was my idea to take the ride,
But how was I to know?
It really wasn't in my plans;
Didn't know the horse would blow.

The noise and the smell were bad enough,
As the wind blew quickly by.
But I think the very worst of it,
Was the brown stuff in my eye.

My girlfriend's face turned angry red.
So I figured I wouldn't dare,
Advise her of the smelly pieces
Of horse stuff in her hair.

The horse finally stopped; my girl ran away,
Stubbornly lifting her chin.
I think that horse was enjoying himself,
Cause I'm sure I saw him grin.

A lesson learned for me today.
Although I must confess,
I laughed so hard I nearly cried
As I wiped away the mess.

(by Annabel Sheila)

I chucked my phone into a very deep lake.
Somehow it's still syncing.

Damn girl, are you a magician’s assistant? Because I want you to disappear from my life.

“If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it." ~Author Unknown

What do you call fake ramen noodles? An impasta.

What kind of motorbike do elves ride to work?
A Holly Davidson!

I entered my pig into a pig race but he pulled a ham string.

Why does the jellybean go to school? Because he wants to become a smartie.

Where do American trees like to go for vacations in Canada? Montreeal.

What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.

Why don’t fish play basketball?
Because they're afraid of the net.

I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.

What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate? A Kitty Kat bar!

What do you get when you cross a shark with a snowman?
Frostbite.

There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.

I passed my degree in sound engineering. I got 1-2-1-2!

How to tell a car it has gained weight?

‘You have got Fiat.’

What do you get if cross a baseball player and a monster?
A double header.

What did Delaware? a New Jersey

This weekend, I will watch a new Irish movie based on a marathon runner who only ate potatoes. It is called Starch Trek.

"Ah, yes, divorce… A Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams

“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone

"Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments."
— Bethenny Frankel

What happened when an orange, an apple, and a banana all went on a picnic together?
They had a “fruit-ful” day.

3 animals enter a bar. A lion, a tiger and a bear.
Oh my!

Why did the deer go for a run?
To doe off some steam.

Two snakes parted.
The first one said, “Fangs for the memories”.

To resolve the internal issues at the office, crows involved their cawnflict mediators.

Why does everyone want ice cream to be on their team?
Because with them, anything is popsicle.

There once was a koala who could run at a speed of more than 800 miles per hour. He was the first koala to break the sound bearier.

I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.

Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was playing Fetch with a boomerang.

When is an MLB ballpark the hottest?
After all the fans have left.

You snow the drill.

Why did the Turkey want to join a band?
Because it had drumsticks!

After all is red and done, all the colors in the rainbow are equally beautiful.

When it started raining, I spotted a potato across the road pretty fast and I wondered what’s up? It wasn’t long before I saw a fork up ahead.

I wouldn't trust medieval executioners in today's world.
They are prepared to kill people, simply to get a head.

What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon

What kind of work do pigs do after school?
Hamwork.

An intrepid explorer named Petty,
Intended to capture a yeti.
But the yeti yelled, Freeze!
I’ve a gun—on your knees,
While my Dad gets the ring and confetti.

What kind of car did the heart surgeon drive to work?
A beater.

What's a shark's favorite hobby?
Anything he can sink his teeth into.