What happens when an onion burps at the most awkward time? It releases tear gas.
What do skeletons complain about?
Aching bones.
My dads astronaut friend ate pizza in space
He said it was out of this world.
We may be two ships that pass in the night, but I must have your number before you Ceylon.
Emphysema puffs pink, chronic bronchitis makes you blue, but no COPD makes me as breathless as you!
Are you a pizza at a Chinese buffet? Because I want you, but can I trust you?
What's green and wears a cape?
Super Pickle.
What do you call a gangsta snowman? Froze-T
A mosquito asks for a date: "I'd like to take you out to suck blood on someones leg"
She says "I don't know, I feel like I'm going out on a limb here."
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ivan.
Ivan who?
Ivan to do something naughty with you.
Where do Egyptians seal away their drugs?
In a narcophagus.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
Why did the gorilla have to visit the vet?
He wasn't peeling well
What do you call a South American girl who is always in a hurry? Urgent Tina
What happens if an owl doesn't wash?
It smells fowl.
I had lunch once with a chess player at a restaurant with checked tablecloths. It took him 3 hours to pass me the salt.
Kid: Dad, why don’t you approve of the consumption of dairy products?
Dad: Because I was raised lactose intolerant.
If two vampires have a race, will it be neck and neck?
I want to tell you one more painful phone pun but I decided it's uncalled for.
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
“Beverly Hills is very exclusive. For instance, their fire department won’t make house calls.”
Mort Sahl
What did the llama say when he was invited to the picnic?
Alpaca lunch.
One more thyme.
Why did the turkey cross the road before Thanksgiving?
He was trying to give people the impression that he was a chicken.
"Bury me next to a straight man."
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
Several years ago, I lost all my hair. Yes, I'm bald. But, I still keep my comb. I bring it with me everywhere still.
I just can't part with it.
I think my heart just lagged.
When is it raining money? Whenever there's 'change' in the weather.
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
The truck load of tortoise that crushed caused a turtle disaster.
Forgive me father, pastor, vicar, padre, priest...
For I have synonymed.
What do you get when you cross Ice, chocolate, a big strawberry, a giant pineapple, and cold milk? The worlds best Sundae!
What do your call a dinosaur with one eye? Eye-saur.
Would you call a guy who’s eating corn while riding a unicycle a unicorn on the cob?
You breathe oxygen too? We have so much in common!
Man: Do you work at the Bakery, cause you have a nice set of buns.
Woman: Do you work at a Grocery store? Then why are you checking me out?
How does a bomb choose not to go off?
It refuses.
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
“I don’t like when I'm all stress-free and peacefully relaxing on the couch and then, out of nowhere, Monday comes along and punches you right off the couch!”
How do venomous snakes kill their prey?
In cold blood.
What do you call it when you plant a tree at each corner of a house?
A fourest.
Maturity is typically most rapid in a low latitude, where women and pineapples most do thrive.
I should have dressed up as a ghost tonight so I could let you under my sheets.
If you're keen on stunning kites and cunning stunts,
buy a cunning stunning stunt kite.
Who makes dinosaur clothes? dino-sewer.
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”
– Bernard Meltzer
What do you call Sir Lancelot when he is dancing and singing to his heart's content at a party? We call him Sir Dancelot.