Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
They say that I’m not good enough for you,
And perhaps what they say just might be true.
They tell you to leave me and cast me aside,
To lock all the doors and kick me outside.
But I’ve got one last plea to say in the end,
I’m not the only one who forgot the name of his girlfriend!
There are lots of funny jokes about mushrooms that can give you stitches. However, you need to be patient enough because they need time to grow on you.
Are you powdered sugar? Because you're sweet, and fine!
Dr. Frankenstein must have been pretty buff.
He was a bodybuilder, after all.
My Dad always told me to stand on a bottle of shampoo at job interviews...
That way I'd be 'head & shoulders' above the competition.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
My friend’s parrot lost his beak in a fan accident and he wanted to find a prosthetic. I sent him to my Uncle Tony.
He fits the bill.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
No thanks, I prefer walnuts.
Bodies Needed To Look After Graveyard
I had to clean my filter twice after I saw how beautiful you are because I couldn’t believe my Arabicas.
Why do wine lovers guzzle down vine humor?
Because wine jokes are a barrel of laughs.
If my love were music, you'd be the most beaituful lyrics in the songbook
What did Avogadro teach his students in math class?
Mole-tiplication
I just had a pint of kangaroo beer
It was a bit too hoppy for me
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”
What do a dog and a cell phone have in common?
They both have collar ID.
What do you call a baker with a cold?
Coughee cake.
“The thing about quotes from the Internet is that it is difficult to define their authenticity.”
-Abraham Lincoln, 1973
Half of Italy is complaining about the coronavirus and the other half is laughing not taking it seriously.
All they do is cheese and wine.
The bread baker won the girl over because he kept giving her a flour. How sweet!
After letting elephant dung dry in the sun, it's nearly indestructible.
In fact, I'd say it's pretty heavy doody.
Girl, you must be a Beatles song, because look at this Long, Long, Long Norwgian Wood.
Your name must be Lucky Charms because you’re magically delicious!
What's the tastiest part of a floppy disk?
The cookie!
Why didn’t the lady skeleton wear a bikini?
Because she was big boned.
What is the best way to stop a pizza curling?
Hide its brush.
Why was the painter upset when his doctor bought all of his paintings? The doctor thought the paintings would go up in value after his death.
Hey girl, you won’t need the Rosetta Stone to translate my love for you.
My coworkers brought me a bunch of cards to celebrate my birthday
Each one gave me one with a single word printed on it. The first said "extravagant", while the next one said "surplus". These were followed by cards that said "abundance", "excess", and "overflowing". Before I read any more I had to stop because I was overcome with emotion. It was all too much.
You don’t need to pay rent to live inside my heart.
Scientists believe that one day we will find Sasquatch, just...
Not Yeti.
You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.
Why did the corn farmer go to jail?
He was stalking someone in a field.
What do you call a duck that steals soap from the bathtub?
A robber ducky.
A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
What do teenage deer do at slumber parties?
Truth or deer.
Apparently my password needs to be capitals only so I've changed it to LONDONMADRIDROME.
Opening a new shadow puppet theatre. Business plan says we'll make a fortune, but those are just projected figures.
Where is the Ghost’s bedroom located? Down the Hall-oween.
What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.
Sleigh, what?!
My d**k is committed to you, but my heart is not.
I eat a ton of corn everyday.
I guess that makes me a cornivore.
Today I be-leaf in leprechauns
I was walking down the street when I stood on a banana.
Luckily, I was wearing my Slipknot t-shirt.
Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.
"In these difficult times, when so many people are having trouble finding enough to eat, we are extending the “five-second rule” to a full ten seconds."
– Ron Piraro
Coworker: Hey, I reallly like your hair! What's your secret?
Me: Thank-you! I don't get very many complements on it. Most people are gel-ous.