Easter and April Fools fall on the same day this year...
You could say it only happens once in a blue moon.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite game?
Jump rope.
How much does a Polar Bear weigh?
I don't know.
About ten pounds less than you, fat-ass.
My mother-in-law dropped her iPhone in the toilet...
I told her, "there's a CRAP for that."
French fries aren’t cooked in France
They’re cooked in greece.
There are 21 letters in the alphabet right? Oh wait, I forgot u, r, a, q, t.
What did the salt say when the phosphate asked to bond with it?
"NaCl ater."
Why was the Whale bank heist so successful?
Because it was a whale orca-strated plan
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Carlin
I was very surprised to hear those insane rapping skills from my green onions. It had lived up to its name of rapscallion.
Swiping can be such dangerous territory, but I think I’ve a Safe Harper in this match
It is a bad film because good ones tend to have created atop day-old soup.
Let me call you my sunshine because you make me so hot.
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
Beer-lieve it or not!
Someone stole my fragrance-free lotion...
It was a scentless act of cruelty.
To begin to toboggan first buy a toboggan, but don’t buy too big a toboggan. Too big a toboggan is too big a toboggan to buy to begin to toboggan.
What is a deer’s favorite meal?
Deer-ner!
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” — Dennis Miller
I can’t believe I framed the ball in for a winner. Shank you!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Anna!
Anna who?
Anna partridge in a pear tree.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
If you texted me every time I thought of you, you'd be blowing up my phone.
The 70s/80s aesthetic has recently become pretty popular in France.
They say it has a certain Gen X sais quoi.
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
Why did the thief steal a pig? Because he was a hamburglar.
“When it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day.” – Marty Buccella
Q. What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A. A walkie talkie!
The pie-maker couldn't eat any more strawberries because she was already stuffed.
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
I don't know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.
Would Gretzky have changed his name in order to play in Mexico?
Yes, The Great Juan did what it takes.
What’s an elephant’s favorite sport?
Squash.
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?
Because they immediately start barking.
What do you call a pastry that is a priest? A Holy Donut!
What do you call the new girl at the bank? The Nutella!
Say this aloud: Eye Yam Stew Peed
I can cut a piece of wood with my own eyes just by looking at it
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.
No taxation without representation! But, there is a kiss tax. Strictly enforced and right on the lips.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
What is better than a physics joke?
A meta physics joke.
What do you get when you cross a lion with a parrot?
I don't know, but when it talks, you better listen.
What card game do crocodiles like playing?
Snap!
What do you call a dentist who doesn't like tea? Denis.