Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
Let’s show Potassium and water that the two of us can make a more energetic reaction together than them!
Why don't you see giraffes in elementary school? Because they're all in High School!
What sound drum set from the junkyard makes?
Ba-dump-tss
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
Brother: "My friend John is in Greece studying abroad."
My Dad: "What's her name?"
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
It’s so cold that even the snowmen are wearing sweaters!
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
What do you call an ant dipped in chocolate? Decad-ant.
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
Dominic Pick-Up Lines
I've recently started up a band called "Mum's The Word."
If anyone asks, you've not seen us.
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
Why did the ad agency hire a hydra?
She knew how to wear many different hats.
Did you hear about the guy who overdosed on curry powder? He went into a korma.
Lemonade and iced tea make an Arnold Palmer. What do you get when you Mix Lemonade with a tea bag?
Benedict Arnold Palmer
To get with the times, Grammar Nazi's have changed their name.
They now prefer to go by Alt-writists.
The troll told his girlfriend that he was head ogre heels for her.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
When you come across a lost wolf, the first greeting should be, “how are you where-wolf”.
I dislike toilet paper because...
They're tearable.
I got a valentine from a pickle today...
It meant a great dill to me.
Mom told son to clean his room. But instead, he set it on fire.
It was a hot mess
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come back to port they can scandinavian.
Why are pigs awful basketball players?
They hog the ball.
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
If you see a wasp, don't kill it. Let it bee.
I dropped my steak into the fire.
Well done, me, well done.
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin
hat do you call it when a runner from Moscow starts a race at Red Square that ends in Finland?
Russian to the Finnish.
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
What do you call a magician that lost his magic?
Ian.
I like big punts and I cannot lie
Why does lightning strike a tree before a person?
Because it takes the path of leaf resistance.
What do you call a slow skier?
A slopepoke!
What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle!
How does a car tell you to get out?
‘Get out, or I shall give you the boot.’
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous
Who succeeded the Vikings?
The Z-kings
Hey, girl. Are you a soccer player? Because yuo look like you can play ball even without hands.
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
There was a young fellow named Clyde,
who fell in an outhouse and died.
Along came his brother,
and fell in another,
and now they're interred side by side.
Pre pear yourself for a bad pun.
Dad: Is that a pear?
*Dad points to pear on the kitchen counter.
Child: Yea...
Dad: Then why is there only one?
Have you ever worked in a hotel?
Then why are you checking me out?
How did the fruit get to Hawaii? The pineapple express.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
Is this a catch and release fishing session? Because I don't want to let you go.
What element comes from Norse mythology? Thorium.