Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus To 66
How did the calf’s final exam turn out?
Grade A.
Are you a flower? Because I'd love it if you planted one on me.
What does a tiger say to his friends before eating a meal? "Let us prey!"
What did the crow said when it saw a car coming? Cawr.
What did the mushroom’s sing when they won the closed-cup? - We are the champignons!
I'm making a new documentary on how to fly a plane.
We're currently filming the pilot.
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
The only kind of Rock music that the Pilgrims were fond of was Plymouth Rock.
Here’s my number. Send me a text when you’re ready to fall in love with me.
“Somedays you eat salad and go do Yoga. Somedays you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. This is called balance.” — Unknown
In the paintball game, I shot a guy thrice. He dyed on impact.
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins
Hey baby, let me take you on a trip around the world.
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
What is the most affordable type of meat? Deer, it is always under a buck a pound.
A sunburned murder of crows is referred to as 1st, 2nd and 3rd degree.
A trip to Ireland is quite a cliffhanger.
How did the headless chicken cross the road?
In a KFC bucket.
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
My cows are super confusing. I can’t milk heads or tails of them.
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
Snow thank you.
Why did the kid pursue scuba diving?
Because all his grades are below C-level.
Is that a candy cane in your pocket, or are you just struggling to contain your excite-mint?
You must be phylum because you seem to be above class.
"If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"
"One dollar." answered little Johnny.
"You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.
Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my daddy."
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
- Mark Twain
I'm no Joseph. Perhaps you can help me interpreting the dreams I've been having about you?
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio.
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
How do clams call their friends?
Clams call their friends on their shell phones!
Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.
Then I lost my job as a driver.
All farts...are laughing gas.
How do you get a raise at the bread factory?
Butter up your boss.
I didn’t want to play it safe with a skeleton costume, I want people to know I have guts.
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
My pet parrot, Nickel, just passed away.
Now I have a Nickel-less cage.
What do you call a sloth that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
Why did the worm cross the playground?
To get to the underground slide!
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.
Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?
Because they immediately start barking.
Why do you cry, Willy?
Why do you cry?
Why, Willy?
Why, Willy?
Why, Willy? Why?
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
Do you wear contacts?! (she says no...) Because your eyes are just so beautiful!
I like Ronaldo, But I'd like to get Messi.
Everyone was spot on, you really did make a great theatre lighting tech.
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!