“I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.”
— Stephen Wright
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
What is small, furry and brilliant at sword fights?
A mouseketeer!
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a person who makes pots?
Harry Potter
The onion husband and wife had a fight, and she told him that he shouldn't have exposed all his layers because it was making her cry.
Why did the guitarist get fired as a carpenter?
He was shredding the floor.
Why is the baby strawberry crying?
Because its parents are jamming
Which vegetable is the most qualified?
Qualiflower.
What Welsh cheese must you always eat with caution? Caerphilly
The thirty-three thieves thought that they thrilled the throne throughout Thursday.
“I do Yoga to relieve stress… Just kidding I drink wine in yoga pants.” — Anonymous
Don't get tide down.
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
CRIME: Sheriff Asks For 13.7% Increase
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
"Today’s goals: Coffee and kindness. Maybe two coffees and then kindness."
— Nanea Hoffman
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
Stay true to your shelf.
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
What did the ear of corn say when all of its clothes fell off?
Awe shucks!
What does a cheese say when they look in the mirror in the morning?
Halloumi.
Who did all this shopping? Me, my elf, and I!
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are at the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
“Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.”
Which bird is the most contented? The crow, because he never complains without caws.
What’s a shark’s favorite bible story?
Noah’s Shark.
Keep calm and carrot on.
How can someone tell if a bee is on their phone? They'll get a buzzy signal.
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.
Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
In a world that is full of apples, it is much better to be a pineapple.
I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
Why did the ram run over the cliff edge?
Because he didn’t see the ewe turn.
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
Marc Maron
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
"Private! I didn't see you at camouflage practice today!"
"Thank you sir!"
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
Emo bunnies just do not carrot all.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
Corona virus is just like pasta.
The Chinese invented it but the Italians will spread it all over the world.
Our kids tee ball team, the Tigers, won the championship. All the parents were very proud and put in for a little statuette of the front of a tiger to give them to celebrate. When it came in, for some reason it was the back half of a tiger.
Needless to say, it was a cat ass trophy.
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
Vegetarians can't eat anything with beans in. They don't eat food with a pulse.
Old astronomers got so tired of waiting for the sun to go down, that they decided to pack it up and call it a day.