"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
You'd think seeing a mermaid in real life would be terrifying, but it wasn't half as bad.
People write Congrats because spelling Congrajlashins is hard.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
I know somebody who likes you but if I weren’t so shy I would tell you who.
I got a valentine from a pickle today...
It meant a great dill to me.
What do you call dogs that look exactly the same?
Dogglegangers.
If you were a triangle, you’d be acute one.
What did the storm drain say when it learnt it'd be getting a new cover?
That's just grate.
Where do bad jokes about skeletons belong?
In the skelebin.
Enough of the Corona virus jokes
We're all getting sick of them!
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
What do you call it when two people make a baby in fog?
A mist conception.
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
– Charles Schulz
How do horses greet each other?
“Hayyyyy.”
How come an owl turns his cell phone off at night? So he doesn't get any hooty calls.
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
What has leaves, is green and a trunk? A houseplant heading on vacation.
I thought I'd have some evaporated milk on my pudding. But when I opened it, it was empty.
“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.”
Abraham Lincoln
“Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing till you get there.” — Josh Billings
The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.
What do you call a pig that can tell you about his ancestors? History in the bacon.
What do ponies look for in a vehicle?
Lots of horsepower.
You better watch out before you play a game with any bread? Baguette ready to lose.
Every time when I see a picture of something amazing in space, I usually say “That’s totally far out.”
I got fired from the Calendar Factory yesterday
They say it's because I took a day off.
What do you call a bird that can fix anything?
Duck Tape.
Why did the boy leave his chestnuts in the rain?
He wanted them rusted.
Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In Ten Years
I recently got offered a job studying fog but I turned it down.
Looking back, I now think it was a mist opportunity.
We got a huge jack-o-lantern this fall. It gave the neighbors pumpkin to talk about.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Urine.
Urine who?
Urine trouble if you don’t answer the door.
Do librarians like white wine?
No, they like theirs well red!
What do fruit wear when they go swimming? A one-peach bathing suit.
I ran out of toilet paper, so started wiping using lettuce leaves
But I'm scared this is the tip of the iceberg.
What is a cannibal’s favorite cheese?
Limb-burger.
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? He didn't even leave a note.
What do you call leftover aliens? Extra Terrestrials.
How many eyes does a spider have? Doesn't matter, cause all of them are on you.
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
Roses are red. Bromothymol is blue. My love for you doesn’t have an endpoint.
Did you know Def Leppard's drummer makes the best Thanksgiving guest?
He only ever needs one drumstick.
My barrista friend turns up her nose at instant coffee.
She's quite sankamonious.
A trip to Ireland is quite a cliffhanger.
Did you hear about the vampire who tortured his victims with music?
His Bach was worse than his bite.
Why do kids love to clean out the cookie jar for Halloween? To make room for Halloween candy.