What do you call a deer that feeds on the blood of others?
Vlad the impala.
“Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.”
– George Carlin
They call me Ace, because you just got served.
Baby, you've bought yourself a cruise on the Love Boat. I'll be your captain.
Why did Chanel sue a company which came out with its own "No. 5" perfume?
They thought it was a fragrant violation of the law.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Owls say.
Owls say who?
Yes, they do.
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
They say that the local baker is the breadwinner of his family. True enough.
Why did the nose cross the road?
Because he was tired of getting picked on.
Why don't gorillas vote?
They're ape-political.
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Floodlights.
What is a pink bird's favorite kind of dance? Flamenco.
A man is holding a bee, what is in his eye?
Beauty.
Are you a beaver? ‘Cause dam.
Basketball players manage to remain cool even during tough matches because they stay closer to the fans.
After the doctor finished up with my prostrate exam the nurse came in and said three words I didn’t want to hear...
“Who was that?”
A book fell on my head. I can only blame my shelf.
When Mr. Mushroom saw Miss Mushroom, he didn’t hesitate to ask her out on a date because he had she was such a fungi-rl.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
Where do werewolf go if their tails fall off?
A re-tail store.
The number of followers you have doesn't make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12. -- Anonymous
You are the reason Santa even has a naughty list.
Why were the axons bothered by myelin?
It was getting on their nerves.
Why do pigs make awful football players?
They don’t like playing with the “pig skin.”
What do you get if you put an alligator in a blender?
Gatorade.
What’s the best thing to put in a donut?
Your teeth.
I know, I’ll never have a chance with you but will you give me a chance to hear an angel talk?
“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
What kind of computer does a worm have? A Macintosh.
What did the ground say to the earthquake? You crack me up!
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
My mother-in-law dropped her iPhone in the toilet...
I told her, "there's a CRAP for that."
You spilled your entire cup of coffee? What's sumatra with you?
The direction fields of my heart all point to you.
Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves.
What is a European dragon’s favorite food?
Swiss charred.
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin
"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous
You are in my heart, my mind, and in my entire body.
In fact, my doctor says that you must be a parasite!
It's impossible to ruin the view of the Colisseum.
Sorry kids - we won't be carving pumpkins this year... Sorry to squash your enthusiasm.
Why don't people ever talk about the fear of roses? Because it's a thorny issue!
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
This event is sure to be out of bounds.
Why are goats from France musical?
Because they have French horns.
I feel like God's telling me that you should go on a date with me.
How do you milk sheep ?
Release another iPhone.