When I went to highschool in Italy my classmates were one year older than me.
I Skipped pasta grade.
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
You might be startled to see a hamburger working out in your local gym. Don’t worry, they’re just there because they want better buns.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!" and I thought to myself...
“That’s just spam.”
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
Let’s show Potassium and water that the two of us can make a more energetic reaction together than them!
What do you call a hippie's wife?
A Mississippi.
The flock of crows that were sprayed with sewage was a true definition of murder most foul.
The bottom of the butter bucket is the buttered bucket bottom.
What's gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside? A mouse sandwich!
"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
I keep asking my physics teacher "what is the unit for power?"
But he just saying "Yes."
“The average vacation is one-tenth playing—nine-tenths paying.”
–Arnold Glasow
How did the woman react when the doctor suggested she have a brain biopsy?
She gave him a piece of her mind.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
Just so you know I have a ref full of chocolate, a couch and good films at my house.
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
Pennies and quarters rain from the sky
"Wow!" I say. "It's climate change!"
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
Why are crows the safest flying birds?
They're the most CAWtious.
When it comes to mermaids growing legs, it's all in the de-tail.
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
What drink brings you down to earth? Gravi-Tea.
If fish lived on land, in which country would they live? Finland.
“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
How does an elf get to Santa's workshop? By icicle.
What do sailors drink when they gather at a tavern to commiserate?
Port whine!
What did one water bottle ask the other water bottle?
Water you doing today?
This relationship is kinda like the Superbowl LIII halftime show; I can’t wait for it to be over.
A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller peices. He cuts it up and stuffs it in a large envelope, however he forgets to write out and attach a shipping label. He doesn't realize his mistake at the time and brings it to the counter to send.
The postal workers says: "You can't send a salad like that, it needs adressing".
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
Can I help you carry your groceries to the car?
When she asked me if I like soup, I replied saying "I am crazy pho soups".
This time last year I was working as a computer programmer, installing auto correct. But out of nowhere..
.. I was fried for no raisin.
What kind of ice cream to electricians eat?
Shock a lot.
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
Why wasn’t the little pumpkin allowed to swim?
There was no life gourd on duty!
I want to stick to you like glucose.
How does a bee travel to a tree? They get on the buzz.
What do cats eat for breakfast? Mice Crispies!
What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.
My dog loves designer hand-bags.
So I got him a Poochi.
What type of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane Chocolate!
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper!
I'm working on a Yosemite Sam video game.
But it has a lot of Bugs.