You are living proof that Australia was colonized by criminals, because it's 'criminal' how good you look.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
If I had a nickel for every time my wife forgot to unplug her curling iron, I still wouldn't have a house.
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.”
— Mac McCleary
I saw a Jazz band last night, but they really sucked...
They really saxophoned it in.
Q: Why are orange and banana phones so popular these days?
A: They have appeal.
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a cow?
A kanga-moo.
I tried to visit the house where the guy who invented toothpaste was born.
Sadly, there was no plaque on it.
A butt lit a house on fire.
So I guess he committed Arse-on
What would you call a singer who's really scared of medusa?
A rockstar.
What was the pumpkin's favorite sport?
Squash.
The bread did not believe that he could work at his job much longer. He was feeling too crusty.
What's black, white, purple, yellow and blue? Sugilite, opal, and sardonyx fighting over a gumball.
Scientists have found that the center of Jupiter… has the letter i.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
What do you call a bat with the flu?
An airborne disease.
Sorry I didn’t get you any chocolates for valentines day...
But if you want something sweet,I’m right here
“I talked to a wild group last night. I knew it the minute someone yelled ‘Louder!’ during the silent meditation. – Robert Orben”
A bear walks into a bear and says, “I’ll have a pint of lager……….. and a packet of crisps.”
The bartender says, “Sure, but what’s with the big pause?”
The bear replies, “I dunno, I was born with them!”
That raven is so stubborn at times, he just needs to crow up.
Why doesn't the moon shave?
Because it waxes.
Wine puns. They're always in pour taste.
What is invisible and smells like carrots?
A Rabbit's flatulence.
"Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons."
- Dave Barry
"learn to play piano by ear!"
"Thanks, I'd rather use my fingers."
I'm not saying you're old, but if you were milk I'd sniff you first.
What did the egg do when it saw the frying pan?
It scrambled.
What Christmas carol do candy bars sing? Almond Joy To The World.
What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X
You should go in the water, cuz you're so hot you're on fire!
"Sorry I stopped contacting you. I had to go back to rehab."
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
"I have a joke about hearts, but I don't think you will get it."
"Why?"
"Because it is an inside joke."
The way you wear that sarong, it should be called a saright.
There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
John, look me in the eyes. All of my life I needed a strong, good looking, confident man and you
are the one who can help me find someone like that.
Dustin and Jane (both blonds) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”
What do you call a cow that doesn’t produce any milk? A milk dud!
I went to an XXX Girls Show in Rome
There were just 30 girls...
My mobile phone has a tuneless ring tone. It's chordless.
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
I have a beer snob friend with Photophobia. He hates natural light.
Well… I gotta de-Clara, I think I’ve just fallen in love.
So apparently coles has a new thing where you can only have one salad per transaction
They’re calling it coleslaw..
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
I'm starting a music group that performs Classical Greek music.
I'm calling it Oedipal Arrangements.