A werewolf that is confused on what to wear is not a dumb one, instead it is a what-to-wear-wolf.
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
Is your name Succinylcholine? Because you’re paralyzing.
I am a mean green machine.
Your pheromones are driving me wild.
How was the first giraffe made?
Chuck Norris uppercut a horse.
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
Girl, you can kiss heaven goodbye because it's got to be a sin to look that good.
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
What do you get when you use a cookie cutter shaped like a deer? Cookie doe!
Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.
Bad vegetable puns are dreadful.
It’s a truly rotten experience.
I've always liked Buffalo Springfield....
....For What it's Worth.
My wife and I got married under a cell phone tower.
The ceremony wasn't great, but the reception was perfect.
Why did the skeleton start the fight?
He had a bone to pick.
What word looks the same backwards and upside down? Swims
A cowboy emigrated to Wales
and opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.
What do you call a one-inch zombie?
Tomb thumb!
Tom Hanks just got the Corona virus.
They had to lock the whole Cast Away.
Nurse, can I have a little sugar to help the medicine go down?
Dracula always read the best selling local newspaper because he heard that it had a good circulation.
What is a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai tree.
"Bone to be wild."
Why do prisoners have PTSD? Cell Shock.
How much does a flower love their friends?
Bunches.
Which genre of music appeals to most cheeses? R'n'Brie
When his driving had gotten bizarre
Grandpa’s kids tossed his keys very far
So he hitched into town
Laid some good money down
And then simply brought home a new car.
Why did the man driving a train get struck by lightning?
He was a good conductor.
How many sheets could a sheet slitter slit if a sheet slitter could slit sheets?
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?
When it’s been sliced.
Did you hear about the guy who overdosed on curry powder? He went into a korma.
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.
The Leaning Tower of Pisa is in Italy
So it’s italicized!
What kind of fruit salad is most resistant to sunburn?
The kind with extra melon in.
"I despise the lottery. There’s less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit by a passing asteroid." ~ Unknown
Busy Cat
I'm 8 AM and time to nap
It's 10 AM and time to relax
It's 12 PM and time to doze off
It's 3 PM and time to zonk out
It's 6 PM and time to slumber
It's 9 PM and time to snooze
It's 12 AM and time to sleep
It's 4 AM and time to hang upside down
from your bedroom ceiling, screaming
How did the egg get up the hill?
It scrambled up.
Looking for a boyfriend in engineering: the odds are good, but the goods are odd.
Why did the tadpole feel lonely?
Because he was newt to the area.
Did you hear that Mexicans created a machine that dispenses fish?
They call it a pez dispenser.
What's the difference between a pickle and a psychiatrist?
If you don't know, you ought to stop talking to your pickle!
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
What do you call a group of crows flying over a couple?
A murder over love.
Man: "Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time."
Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash."
What's the difference between a person that just won the lottery and a fairy in salt water?
One is tickled pink, the other is a pickled Tink.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"