“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!
Could you tell me the oxidation state of this atom and your phone number?
You can toast my marshmallows anytime.
What do you call a pilgrims vocabulary? Pilgrammar.
What did the structural engineer say to the architect? Nice buttress.
What do you call a gestalt consciousness of plants?
A chive mind.
I needed to add some grass seeds to my lawn. The only thing I could find to keep the seeds out of my flower bed was some ceramic bunnies my wife had, so I used those as a barrier.
Please don't make fun of my re-seeding hare line.
Excuse me! Do you know where’s the Victoria's Secret shop in this mall? You look like one of their models!
I asked my musician friend if he plays by ear.
He said, "Yes, it's a violin. That is how you hold it."
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
I've got a Victrola in my bedroom. Want to listen to my Sinatra records together? We could slow dance
Why did the pig break up with her boyfriend?
Because he was a boar.
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
There’s a lot of debate over where the best place to punch a shark is.
Personally, I think it’s the sea.
The church is prayer-conditioned. -- Anonymous
Did you guys know that dolphins attack seals for sport?
It's almost like they do it on porpoise.
Are you Hershey's chocolate? Because I would like one kiss from you.
What do you call an elf that joins the 11 other elves in Santa’s workshop?
The twelf!
The reason why bowling alleys are so quiet is such that you can hear a pin drop.
If practice makes perfect and perfect needs practice, I’m perfectly practiced and practically perfect.
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!
Thanksgiving is a day to be grateful,
Not a day to be grumpy or hateful.
But a burnt pumpkin pie,
And a turkey that's dry,
Might make it hard to be elateful.
- Kim Merryman
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
A magician wearing a rainbow colored coat is called Hue-dini.
What does a vampire bat call a bloodmobile?
Meals on Wheels.
Having a dirt yard instead of grass is a bold move...
But having a giant rock is boulder.
The coffee shop owner was afraid. He wanted to know if the shop had ground to operate in the black.
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot.
If you mix a ghost and a cow together, you will create vanishing cream.
If I am a GPS, will you take me running every day?
Why did everyone want to go to Italy during World War II?
They were Fascistanating.
Judging by the sounds, there’s an ogre staying in the hotel room above me.
Hopefully he shreks out tomorrow.
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
My friends were talking about what different colours grass they preferred.
I told them they were being gracist.
I’ll try to keep it brief, but I have so much to Marseilles about France.
Which keyboard shortcut doesn't work if you're incontinent?
Ctrl-P
"Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life."
- Jia Tolentino
How did kids in Ancient Rome get their hair cut?
With little Caesar's.
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."- Steven Write
On what radio station would you hear Bob Dill-on?
Vlasic rock.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
Everyday for lunch I like to eat two pears, and my dad knows this.
One day I saw him dropping two pears into a bunch of brown paper bags.
“What are you doing?” I asked him.
“Preparing.”