Is there wifi in here? Because I feel we have a strong connection.
Where do Danish players aim with the puck? Top kroner.
What helps a pirates hair grow?
Aaarrrgan oil.
What would Jerry McGuire have said if he was a flower?
You had me at hydrangea.
What do you call a depressed vegetable
Despairagus.
This event is sure to be out of bounds.
What did the tornado say to the washing machine?
Want to go for a spin?
What did the upright bass say to the nervous guitar?
“You’re too high strung, don’t fret.”
I had a job directing an elementary school theater production.
It wasn't hard work, after all, it was child's play.
Excuse me...Hi, I'm writing an essay on the finer things in life, and I was wondering if I could interview you.
The hotel said NO DOGS ALLOWED.
I guess it was a little too paw-sh.
What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
"HeHe."
Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.
What’s a horse’s favorite grocery store?
No-fillies.
“There are only two seasons – winter and Baseball.” – Bill Veeck
Til death do us part and then some, dear.
I memorized the first 300 digits of pi. If you gave me the 7 digits of your phone number, I could memorize them too.
“Fan the sinking flame of hilarity with the wing of friendship; and pass the rosy wine.”
— Charles Dickens
Why was the Jack-o-Lantern sad on Halloween?
Because he felt empty inside.
Did I Elijah’st fall in love?
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
What does a dog get when she finishes obedience school?
Her pet-degree.
A slat spreading truck knocked me off my bike last year. I yelled “You idiot!” through gritted teeth.
What do you get when you cross a fridge with a radio? Cool Music
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
If Van Gogh were alive today, what might the title of his autobiography be called?
The STARRY of My Life
This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.
The guy asks, "What are you carrying?"
"Melons," the blonde replies.
"Cool," the guy says.
"If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?"
The blonde giggles and says, "If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them."
Why did the artist get into a heated argument with the gallery curator? He just wasn't in the right frame of mind.
“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes
The ref better give me 2 for hooking, 'cause baby I'm hooked on you.
We aren't even in hot yoga, but you have me sweating.
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
Did you hear about the vultures who went to check-in for their flight at the airport? When the check-in agent asked them if they had any luggage to check, they replied, no we just have carri-on.
Just brew it!
Whoever said that chunky-knit sweater coats were ugly is both a fool and a liar.
What did his wife give the guy when he came home all sweaty from his run?
The stink eye.
What is a dinosaurs least favorite reindeer? Comet.
What's the best way to avoid eating too many Thanksgiving leftovers? Quit cold turkey.
Putting on contacts without a mirror is hard
You just gotta eyeball it.
Why did the Easter Bunny have to leave school?
He was eggspelled.
I’m soy into you.
An owner of a pizza shop has just been found dead covered with pineapple, ham, mushrooms, and pepperoni. Word is that he topped himself.
What did the artist say to his old friend? Let's clay in touch.
How does a hen leave its house?
Through the eggs-it.
My dad died on Thanksgiving whilst eating dinner.
Fowl play was suspected.
You remind me of a hot summer day
Some days I just can’t stand the heat
Yet here you stay
There are days I wish to be alone
Yet you follow me still
I love you woman, but let’s keep it real
Sometimes you remind me
Of a hot summer day
I love being around you
But at times I need you to go away
(Anonymous)
My twin brother was being rude to our mother on the phone, so I pushed him out of the window...
Now I am being charged with making an "obscene clone fall."
Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.
What did one skeleton wrestler say to the other?
You better watch out for my special move. It will verta-break your back!
My neighbor tried to charge me $20 to watch the eclipse from his balcony.
I told him that was daylight robbery.