Last year, when I went to Texas, I met this very polite and gentle onion. Its name was the Texas supa-sweet onion.
Why should you never eat the fish in France?
Because it's poisson.
An Australian army vehicle worth $74,000 has gone missing after being painted with camouflage.
Where does a ghost go on vacation? Mali-boo.
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
My love for you sprouts more and more everyday!
Mobile phones have been around longer than people think.
I was watching this film the other day and heard Sir Lancelot ask someone to fetch his charger.
I’ll always be running-back to you.
Every muscle in your body is beautiful.
What kind of fish do you find in a bird cage?
A perch!
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
Well, there are mixed reviews. People say the food is great. But there is no atmosphere or ambience.
I have a question for people who take the bus...
Are you supposed to give it back?
Cold Ski Pun of the Day: I'm tired of slalom skiing. Alpine over another telemark now.
Chairlift Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, is it really windy up here, or are you just blowing me away?
A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes.
I'm like a cow in tall grass,
I'm utterly tickled to be here.
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
A vampire broke up with his girlfriend when she had a blood test. He told her she wasn't his type.
You're the cutest jailbird I ever did see, I sure would be delighted with your company.
It's a-boat time for a holiday!
Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was InTents.
Roses are red
that much is true.
But violets are purple
not freaking blue.
My Little Chocolate Mess
Bathwater and bubbles are waiting,
but my child is nowhere near.
Yet, I can see from cookie crumbs,
he's crawled from here to there.
Oh, yes! he's been in the kitchen.
I see his crooked crumb trail,
which leads to our white kitten,
with a chocolate, sticky tail!
In every room I search
for my little chocolate mess.
Then, I find him in the my bedroom,
with his hands on my new dress!
(Darlene Gifford)
The prowling youth
With fangs and cape
From trick or treat
There's no escape
Unless you make
Your own trick treats
And hand out bags
Of Ex-lax sweets.
- Patrick Winstanley
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
Excuse me, I think you dropped something: My jaw.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so too.
Hey what’s your favourite dessert? Mine’s e-Clairs
Why does the dolphin kingdom never go to war?
Because it would defeat the porpoise.
What type of snake does a baby play with?
A rattlesnake.
Escaped snakes make some people hiss-terical.
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
I saw some leprechauns putting coins in the vending machine but in vain. They were using lepre-coins.
I heard the government is going to put chips inside people with Covid vaccines...
I hope I get Doritos.
Checked into a hotel and was offered the black & white or the rainbow room. I chose the rainbow one as I like a room with a hue.
Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.
What do you call it when a raven marries a crow? A conspiracy to commit to murder.
The weather man said there won’t be any rain for 6 months, but I drought it.
How do you celebrate orange drink that doesn't expire?
Woo! Tang is forever!
Why did the Green Giant lay down in the field?
So he could Rest in Peas.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
I just wanted to make sure my mom woke up with a big smile on her face.
Now i'm not allowed to play with sharpies anymore.
Q. Which deer prison is escape proof?
A. Elk-atraz.
Which kind of jokes do gnomes like to tell?
Elf-deprecating puns.
What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark? Flood lights!
What happened to the plane run by a computer?
It crashed.
What do you call an old dog?
Grandpaw.
Which local sportswriters are most effusive? Those who work in the praise
box!
Girl, your really good at this catch and release thing. Every time I catch my breath around you, you make me lose it again.
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi