Can I be Candide with you?
The cloud hailed from the sky kingdom.
What do you call the greatest cheese to every live on the earth? Legen-dairy!
I like you a latte.
What’s striped and bouncy?
A tiger on a pogo stick!
With my IQ and your body we could begin a race of genetic superchildren to conquer the earth.
When Mr. Mushroom saw Miss Mushroom, he didn’t hesitate to ask her out on a date because he had she was such a fungi-rl.
“Monday is a sloppy umbrella day, which makes everybody a little blue.”
– George Leedy
What do you call a stoned, dyslexic crow?
A hybrid
Let's hang out sometime. You bring your beaker and I'll bring my stirring rod.
What do you call a zombie in pajamas?
The sleepwalking dead.
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
What do you call a meal from the moon?
A satellite dish.
"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including yourself."
— Anne Lamott
How does an octopus go to war?
Well armed.
I like to crouch down, hug my knees and lean forward.
That's just how I roll
What game do Ghost children play? Hide and shriek!
As it snow happens.
Two spines are running up the hill as a hedgehog passes by them
Then one spine turns and says to the other “we missed the bus!!”
I can't hear out of my ear...
It's really EAR-itating.
Why was the actress scared of the deer?
She had stag fright.
What do you get if you cross a new born snake with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa.
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
Bob Hope
What the motto of a Boy Scout who got a badge for fixing a bicycle horn?
Beep Repaired!
I asked a panda if he was my friend.
He said, “Just bearly”.
Where do players hide their marijuana?
Between the stash marks.
What animals were last to leave the ark?
The elephants as they had to pack their trunks.
Well I can’t Eli to you, you’re pretty cute
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” — Stanley J. Randall
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving Day jokes.
I told them I couldn’t stop cold turkey
Did you guys hear about the camel that got a gig playing a cow on Broadway?
She was a real drama dairy.
Who carries out operations in a river? A sturgeon.
What does a gingerbread man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet!
Take me to Papa John's, because this is love at 425 degrees.
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
I have been saying "mucho" more often while talking to my Hispanic friends
It means a lot to them.
I visited my new friend in his flat.
He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out.
I hate having visitors.
I’m super friendly with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I just don’t know why.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
Today, we had to create a new hang position for some lighting fixtures. After all day trying, we couldn't get the new batten hung properly.
Turns out it was just a pipe dream.
What were middle-aged parents called in medieval times? Middle-aged parents.
I got camping insurance....but if someone steals my tent in the middle of the night....
I'm no longer covered.
When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
What did the avocado say to the fork? “You guac my world.”
What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”