What's a pun's favorite love song?
"My Punny Valentine!"
What do you call a happy penguin?
a Pen-Grin!
What do zombie actors do before they perform?
They re-hearse.
Stay true to your shelf.
Don't ignite your friends from behind, even if it's just a prank.
It will back fire for sure.
What should you do if a car is annoying you.
Give the car a head rest.
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
I’m trying to teach my son how to put the chain back on his bike but he still can’t seem to do it.
I guess it must be sprocket science.
“Taurus: Lazy rule number 39: Can't reach it, don't need it.”
I want anarchy
Because my keyboard is missing one.
Why do cows have no money?
Because farmers milk them dry.
A little boy asks his dad, “Why is it raining? Is the sky sad?”
The dad replies, “Yes, son, the sky is pretty blue.”
What did the Medieval Gynecologist say to his patients?
At your cervix, m'lady
Why did Prince Charming take the Thanksgiving Turkey to the ball instead of Cinderella?
The turkey was already dressed.
What type of fruit includes Barium and double Sodium? BaNaNa.
Egyptians claimed to have invented the guitar,
But they were such lyres.
I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
Sigmund Freud used to always wear a piece of jewelry on his wrist...
It was an id bracelet.
There are many fish in the sea but you're the only one that's caught my eye.
What game does the sky love to play?
Twister.
Why are two parrots better than one? One parrot can't carry a coconut, but toucan!
What do you call a martial arts expert in a tree?
Bruce Leaf.
What did the gold say to the pyrite? You’re a fool and a fake!
Why do people like working at the Red Lobster?
It helps them get out of their shell.
Why do bananas have to wear sunscreen?
Because they peel.
How did that avocado baker make bread?
With avoca-dough.
What do you call a little tune about atmospheric moisture?
A humi-ditty.
Ariana look-out for someone to date? Because look no further!
Why couldn't the mathematician cross the road?
Because he kept trying to half the distance.
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
Hey girl, do you ref during the playoffs? Cause you look like you can swallow a whistle.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
The scare crow was out standing in his field, so he got awarded as the best employee of the year.
I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...
I really need to wash some mugs.
Where are werewolf movies made?
Howl-lywood.
I auditioned to be a carpenter’s hand.
Nailed it.
On scale of one to 10, you’re a poutine.
I heard someone complain about the bus being too crowded, it was a 'bus-load' of people!
Are you my phone charger? Because without you, I’d die
I wonder if you can help me? I seem to be suffering from a lack of Vitamin U.
I hate it when the grammar Nazis single me out.
It seems like a which hunt.
What do you call a murder where the perp runs away on a bicycle?
A drive bike shooting
I'm single and desolate. Can you help me?
Before they go out to a basketball game, all cheerleaders down several bottles of root beer.
Why was the penguin so annoying?
Because he was always fishing for complements.
Why was the weightlifter upset?
She worked with dumbbells.
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
Are you a 45-degree angle, because you’re perfect.