What do you call an italian mosquito?
Malario.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
Let’s spend some koala-ty time together.
What will a space turkey say to another one? Hubble Hubble.
“The inventor of cobblestones was clearly not communicating with the inventor of luggage wheels.”
What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.
“The taxpayer—that’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.” — Ronald Reagan.
How does the mother call the pharaoh son to the table?
Tutan, come on.
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
What do you call an artist without a palette? Someone who makes paintings without taste.
What animal could Noah not trust?
Cheetah
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Baby owl.
Baby owl who?
Baby owl see you later at my place.
If H20 is in the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside ?
K9P.
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
What part of the military do zombies serve in?
The marine corpse.
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
Unlike peaches, nectarines don't have any fuzz, because they suffer from Alo-peach-ea.
What streets do zombies live on?
Dead ends.
What do dogs and Santa have in common?
They are both seen Dachshund through the snow.
What does a flower do when they get caught in a lie?
Backpetal.
My HOA agreement has a statement mandating we have an inflatable Santa displayed in our yard during December.
There is a Santa clause.
If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
You leave me Wonton more.
Why don't orphans make good baseball players?
Because they don't know where home is.
What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse?
The Codfather.
There are approximately 1,010,300 words in the English language.
But I could never string together enough words to properly express how beautiful you are.
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
What's black, white, purple, yellow and blue? Sugilite, opal, and sardonyx fighting over a gumball.
What's a ghost's favorite makeup to wear? Mas-scare-a!
Why didn’t the light rain hit the target?
It just mist.
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted!
You’ve been here for short while, but my heart is beating really fast and I can feel some surface tension between us.
If I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I would be holding a galaxy.
I know this bird who was excluded from his flock for being too big
He was ostrich-sized.
What do dogs have that no other animal has?
Puppies.
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
A student made our teacher so angry, they flipped their desk
Oh, the tables have turned
You know what they say? Words.
"How do you compare apples and oranges?
By their nutritional value."
- Marshall Elizer
There once was a girl named Zoe,
She went out in her yard which was quite snowy.
She ate her brother,
Asked her parents for another,
So they had another named Joey.
There was a young lady of Kent,
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
Where do beavers keep their money? Well, they keep it in the riverbank.
Why did the fruit bat eat the orange?
“Because it had appeal.”
Coming to Theaters: The thrilling tale of a man who cooked biographical books like turkey on Thanksgiving.
*Baste on a True Story...*
Are you a thief? Because you stole my heart.
What is an unlimited phone plan? A limit cannot be charged.
Did you know there are 206 bones in the human body? Would you mind one more?