Not all math puns are bad.
Just sum.

Why was the glow worm unhappy ?
Because her children weren’t that bright !

I've just arrived in Bulgaria. How is it? Sofia, so good.

If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?

Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence

My father had a colonoscopy.
Turns out he had colon cancer so he had to have surgery to remove the tumor. Now he has a semi-colon.

General: "Fire at will!"
Soldier: "Which one's Will?"

Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug – although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty-year-old thug thought of that morning.

Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.

Remember the city,
Remember the town,
Remember the s/he who ruined your birthday card.
By writing inside upside down!

Where was the dinosaur when the sun went down ? In the dark!

How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.

According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.

How much does a corn flake weigh?
1 Kelloggram.

“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin

"Did You Notice"

Did you notice I remembered to put the seat down?
And that I washed all the dishes last night?
Were you aware of how attentive I was,
When you came home in such a fright?
You may have noticed; I’m doing so well,
Listening to all the things you request.
I’m adapting myself and becoming a better man,
I even massage you when you are stressed.
Remember the day I took the trash out,
And wiped down the counter so well?
If you’ll recall I made breakfast in bed,
I’m trying so hard, can’t you tell?
And just in case you hadn’t noticed,
This poem is especially for you.
And if you don’t like it, my darling angel,
Well, sorry, there’s just nothing I can do.

If you suck playing the trumpet, that's probably why.

Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race?
It ended in a tie.

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"

A magician wearing a rainbow colored coat is called Hue-dini.

My hypothalamus must be secreting serotonin right now because you’re making me happy!

Did you hear about the flower who never bloomed?
It was a bud omen.

I was riding my bike through the countryside when I was attacked by a herd of sheep!
Fortunately, I was only grazed.

“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar

Your skin is smoother than the finest panna cotta.

I'm not wearing any socks. And I have the panties to match.

“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin

Hey, can I borrow your water filter? Cause you’ve got me thinking impure thoughts.

Where do ski instructors keep their money?
In the local snow bank.

Strawberries are only made in the strawberry plant.

“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg

There are approximately 1,010,300 words in the English language.
But I could never string together enough words to properly express how beautiful you are.

What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.

Have you heard about the Italian Bigfoot?
The spag-yeti.

What do you get if you stand between two llamas?
Llamanated.

“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown

Why did the leaf go to the doctor?
It was feeling green

You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.

Gluten-free, dairy-free, fat-free – I love this new Champagne Diet!

A tiger lost a storytelling competition recently as he has only got one tail.

A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She thought for a moment and said, "No peer pressure."

What happened to the girl's phone when she was getting a perm done? She got a frizzy signal.

How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
Put it in a viola case.

It’s so cold that even the snowmen are wearing sweaters!

Did you hear about the rundown swimming pool?
It was a real dive!

Baby, are you a slippery pool deck? Because I’m falling for you.

"No wine left behind."

A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.

People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.

What do you call two kangaroos who live together?
Roo-mates.