After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
What do you call it when a truck of tortoises crashes into an aquarium?
A turtle disaster.
How is cat food sold? Usually, purr can!
Which band were way ahead of their time in the stage lighting department?
LED Zeppelin.
What do you call a SWAT team of alligators?
Gator-raid.
A woman takes her son to the doctor's and tells the doctor that he thinks he's a chicken.
The doctor asks, "How long has he been like this?"
The woman replies, "Three years."
The doctor exclaims, "Three years! Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"
The woman says, "We needed the eggs."
What did one horse say to the other after he said he wanted to drop out?
That’s an equestionable decision.
Why do skeletons hate the cold?
It sends chills up their spine.
Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.
Why shouldn't you feed elves shellfish?
It makes them crabby!
I would like to end this sentence with a proposition.
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
What's in a honeymoon salad?
Lettuce alone
The wind is following a new workout program. It’s called air conditioning.
There once was a [person] from [place]
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space]
My football teammate asked me, “On a scale of 1-10, how do you rate our after-victory celebration?”
I gave him a high five.
What do you call a dad joke about skeletons?
A skele-pun!
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
The book on Mount Everest was super interesting because it had so many cliffhangers.
Why are leaves always getting into risky business? They keep having to go out on a limb.
What does an exhibitionist snake wear to the beach?
A pythong.
Are you a thief? Because you stole my heart.
What day to eggs hate the most?
Fry-day.
An angry fruit yells at traffic in front of them
“Mango!”
Why is it good to drink witch's brew?
It's very newt-tricious!
Have you ever wondered why gulls are known as seagulls? It is because they are by the sea. Had they been by the bay, they would have been called bagels.
What kind of celebration pays down the national debt? A tea party.
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"
What is a car’s favourite fashion accessory?
A clutch bag.
Why are the tiles in your shower so jolly?
They're having a grout time.
How many peaches can you fit inside two cans? It depends how big the Toucans are and if they eat peaches.
Why is justice best served cold?
Because if it were warm, it would be justwater.
I didn't think I was a snowman, but you just made my heart melt
How can you tell that vampires love baseball?
They turn into bats every night.
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
George Burns
Did you hear about the corn stalk that changed careers?
He went into a different field!
Q. What does one teen buck say to oad another into doing something risky?
A. I double deer you!
What do you cal purple when it is being mean? Violent.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Parton!
Parton who?
Parton my French!
It's so cold that our words froze in midair — we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so we could hear what we were talking about.
You look like my future ex wife.
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
Two blonds were driving down the road.
The blond driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working.
So the blond looks out the window and says, "Yes. No. Yes. No."
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits."
Anonymous
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases? Their making headlines...
You are more precious than my blue suede shoes
Looks like we’re Taylor made for each other