What do you call heels on ski boots?
Ski lifts.
Were you born in 1789? Because you’re a real classical beauty
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
Where should you never take your dogs shopping?
The flea market.
Recently I visited Germany. I hated everything in there. The people, the history, the language. But, oh god, the smell.
It was the wurst.
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Mount Gilead.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two...
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
Dad fertilized the garden with corn starch.
The plot thickens.
---
What do you call mountain climbing corn?
Mountain-ears.
Happy birthday to someone old enough to go vintage shopping in their own closet.
I don’t know what the trick is, but you certainly are a treat.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Beaver Y.
Beaver Y. who?
Bea-ver-y quiet, you are in a library.
The couple who married during autumn lived apple-ly ever after!
Are you religious?
Because your prayers have just been answered.
What happened when a bat misbehaved in night school?
She got suspended.
What are the best mushrooms to have with a jacket potato? Button mushrooms!
“It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.”
– Dylan Thomas
I’ll always be running-back to you.
Q: Doctor, I keep hearing a ringing sound.
A: Then answer the phone!
What did the jack-o-lantern say to the psychologist? I'm hollow inside.
"Now he's just some bunny that I used to know."
Where's a pickle's favorite place to go in London?
Pickle-dilly Square.
I saw a kitten eating chicken in the kitchen.
Got out of the shower, went downstairs and opened the door in my towel.
I know it’s a funny place to have a door, but there you have it.
Why is research more trustworthy if it comes from France?
It's Pierre-reviewed.
What kind of turkey grows on a tree? Poultry.
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
What kind of phone does a burglar use?
A no-key-a.
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
The perfect description of a bowling game is one where there is plenty of room at the top, but no room to lie down.
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
You're as hot as a desert summer.
Q: Why did the purple family have to move out?
A: They were plum too loud, excessively violet with one another, and were fuschiatives of the law.
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud
Dad: "Knock, knock!" Kid: "Who's there?"
Dad: Spell!
Kid: Spell who?
Dad: W... H... O...
Brianna-st, on a scale of 1-10, how perfect was that pun?
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.
Only the Ruler could.
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
I've taken up online yoga since the COVID-19 outbreak started.
It helps me namaste at home.
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
When someone accidentally stepped on his foot, the wolf screamed, Aoooowwwww!
Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
"There is no WiFi in the forest but you will find a better connection."
My mother is so fastidious that she eats her alphabet soup in the alphabetical order.
There was an Old Man of Bohemia,
Whose daughter was christened Euphemia,
Till one day, to his grief,
She married a thief,
Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia.
How do you know when guacamole has gone bad?
When it turns guaca-moldy.
What is a tornado's favorite movie? Gone With the Wind!
I'm a fairy.
My name's Nuff. Fair enough.