Did you hear about the lawyer who tried to sue a shark for biting all his limbs off?
He didn’t have a leg to stand on.
I am struggling to carry with this hiking but your great glow has kept me going.
Why do youngsters like pelvic bones so much?
Because they're hip.
What do you get when you cross a cow and an earthquake?
Milkshake.
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat? 'Here Kitty, kitty, kitty'!
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
Hey lady, I'm like the sun, I go down every night.
I expected a call last night, so I slept with my phone under my pillow.
When I woke up it was gone, and there was a dollar coin in its place?!
Must have been the Bluetooth Fairy...
I used to have a scuba diving business
But it went under.
“Unfortunately, I did not become a millionaire over the weekend, so I have to return to work on Monday.”
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? He wanted to get to the bottom.
It was a great fire. It was a bon-fire.
I have a great relationship with my mother… land.
For goat’s sake, that’s enough.
I’ve heard of fraudsters before, but that was one heck of a unique-con if I ever saw one.
What did the painter say to the wall? Another crack like that and I'll have to plaster you!
What game do some skiers like to play on the road trip to the slopes?
Ice Spy With My Little Ice.
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"- Joan Rivers
“New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time — most, unsolved.”
Johnny Carson
What does a cheese say when they look in the mirror in the morning?
Halloumi.
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him? Filthy rich.
Why did the orange go to the doctor? He wasn’t peeling well.
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
Not sure what my creatinine clearance is, but I just can't get you out of my system.
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap? It was always on shale.
What do Egyptian Pharaoh's and sandwich filling have in common?
They're both in bread.
What's a flowing water with living organisms called?
A livestream.
Name a rock group where none of the members sings or plays music.
Mt. Rushmore!
A drummer got a tattoo of a drum kit on himself
It was very cymbalic.
I knew a guy who gave away his art but he only seemed to paint ducks with incomplete faces.
I asked about it once and he said "I like to bill them later."
“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
Did you hear about the scared kangaroo?
Yeah, he was a bit jumpy.
One should never mix oranges in apple juice. Well, perhaps you may do it once in a blue moon.
Why do your heart, liver and lungs all fit in your body?
Because they are well organized.
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
Q. What haapens if a gorilla sits on your piano?
A. You get a flat note.
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
How are snow boards and vacuum cleaners alike?
Both have dirt bags on board.
What do you call for injured ants?
The ant-bulance.
Why are gnomes friends with dolls?
They like to share clothes.
Hi, I'm Mr. Right.
Why did the tree go to the dentist? To get a root canal.
Why did the music teacher need a ladder? To reach the high notes.
HELP! It's a taco emergency!
Dial 9 Juan Juan!
What do you give a panda when it is sick?
Pandadol.
Grandmother Of Eight Makes Hole In One
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She thought for a moment and said, "No peer pressure."
What do you call a cat that gets what they want? Purr-suasive.
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!