"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
What did the grilled cheese say to the frying pan?
You make me melt.
What do you get when you cross a "bad idea for using fur" with 86 billion neurons?
A hare-brained idea.
Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.
Don’t ever trust a leper-con!
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
Some people have to stop telling meat puns, because they simply butcher every single joke.
Did you see that movie about King Kong, the giant ape?
The plot was pretty bananas.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
Sir Render
What do you drink before you audition for "The Voice" ? Tea-Lo Green
If you come with me, I'll show you a hard day's night.
Why are Scandinavian women so hot?
The Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones.
I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift. Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.
I met her in chat, she was neat,
her photo was pretty, petite.
we met for a meal,
I saw her for real,
I screamed and then ran down the street!
A week after the werewolf swallowed the farmer’s clock, it had ticks all over.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be single,
Than with someone like you
It’s so hot I wish had got the cloth seats instead of the leather ones.
My girlfriend just told me I'm a poor listener.
Which upset me massively because I'm an awesome whistler.
I love complimentary WiFi.
It makes me feel good about myself.
What did the pineapple say to the pineapple chunk? Stay golden.
A stoner, a Jedi and a surgeon walk into a bar.
Blunt force trauma.
Ooh, I love your accent. What is it, agogic?
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!
How did Reese eat her ice cream? Witherspoon.
Why do cherry trees smell?
Because George Washington cut one.
Have you seen any linking verbs around here? Because you are my complement and I want to connect.
The huddle is real
Readers do it by the book.
I highly encourage you to have more brain farts
It develops mental fartitude.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Butch.
Butch who?
Butch your arms around me and give me a hug.
What's the difference between Cloepatra and King Arthur?
One had Camelot and one had a lot of camels.
Why did the traffic light turn red? You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Please keep your flowers,
And your poems too.
What's the difference between a peeping tom and somebody getting out of a bath?
One is rude and nosy, the other is nude and rosy.
What looks like half a pine tree? The other half.
There was once a mountain biker who murdered everyone in his path because he was a clinical cycle-path!
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance style? Hip-Hop!
When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws.
What do you say when you catch a bee? Behold!
When were Medieval armies too tired to fight?
When they had a lot of sleepless knights!
What did the teaching tree do when it went overseas? It took a leaf of absence!
What kind of gang violence is common among owls?
A drive by hooting.
What did Hillary Clinton say when Bill wanted a new Saxophone?
"Not until you get rid of that HarMonica."
What did the pumpkin say to the jar? Soon I will be ajar too.
What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant? Swimming trunks. Where do bees go to the bathroom? At the BP station!
What can you make with 6.02 x 10^23 avocados?
Guaca-mole.
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
“Why do they call it ‘beauty sleep’ when you wake up looking like a troll.”
– Unknown