Do you find bone puns humerus?

Why couldn't the skeleton get a date to the dance?
He doesn't have the heart to ask anyone out.

What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny

What if soy milk is just regular milk that's trying to introduce itself in Spanish?

Happy Valentine's Day!
I hope your day starts off with a bang!

“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”- Muhammad Ali

What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.

What do we call the basketball team that won the donuts championships? – dunkin donuts.

What do you get when you fling salt in a tavern?
A barnacle (a.k.a. bar-na-cl).

What kind of eels can travel on land?
Wheels.

What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights.

What is John Lennon's favorite donut? Strawberry' Filled Forever.'

I'm currently dating a famous soccer player. He's so loving and caring towards me.
He's a keeper.

what does a female corn do when she likes a male corn?
she corn-fesses.

How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym? Hard core.

I have so many Easter puns, it’s not even bunny.

What do you call a pear who plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity.

What do you call a potato that has turned to the dark side? Vader tots!

What do you call a flying elephant?
A jumbo jet.

"You give me premature ventricular contractions. You make my heart skip a beat."
- Natalie Portman, No Strings Attached (2011)

Looks like I’ve Joshu-won the best match of the day

What genre of music do elves love to listen to? Wrap.

My dads astronaut friend ate pizza in space
He said it was out of this world.

My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.

Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.

Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.

Does your computer constantly and annoyingly have tons of updates to install?
Of course it does. Software needs to get better over a number of years and you can't rush the progress.

Chrome wasn't built in a day.

A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.

What did the kitten do when she wanted to order something? She looked in the cat-alog!

“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.”
– Raymond Duncan

Here they come, with birthday cheer,
Bringing gifts just once a year,
People you don't even like;
You really wish they'd take a hike.

This should be a glad occasion;
But it seems more like a SWAT invasion.
Go away! Just take a break!
Oh well, at least there's birthday cake.

(Joanna Fuchs)

Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.

The cheap baker only paid his employees a flourly rate. Cheapskate!

What’s a gorilla’s favourite pop group? A: Bananarama!

Why don't baseball players join unions?
They don't like to be called out on strike.

"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown

"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw

Why was the bus driver so confused? He was 'bus-t' in traffic!

"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."

- Mokokoma Mokhonoana

“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”

I made Chinese for Easter dinner
If I had made Japanese it would have been Eastest Dinner.

How many limbs does an alligator have?
It all depends on what he ate for lunch, dinner and breakfast.

I was surprised when I saw a man get struck by lightning.

The man was shocked as well.

What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.

A guy walks into a bar carrying a pair of jumper cables and sets them down on the bar.
The bartender said: "Now don't you start anything!"

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only 2. They'll fit.

I own a big fat cat-
The fattest for miles around.
Wherever there's lots of food,
That's where he'll be found.

He's really good at eating.
It's a talent, I suppose.
I'm sure if he keeps at it
He'd win the talent shows.

I own a big fat cat-
He weighs at least a ton.
He couldn't run to save his life.
Yes, he isn't much fun.

His favourite room's the kitchen.
(I'm sure we all know why.)
He eats just about everything,
So that's why, with a sigh...

I'd like to tell you, Teacher,
I'd like to tell you straight,
I might have "accidentally" dropped
My homework in his plate.

(By Christian M. Mitewu)

My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.

I like telling fart jokes.
They are tough to hold in.

What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"