"Roses are red, violets are blue. We're breaking up beacause I never loved you."
My wife drove our German car off the pier into the sea. The next day I went diving to look for it.
I got the Benz.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
Long time no sea.
What is a cat’s favorite dessert? Chocolate mouse!
Mom told son to clean his room. But instead, he set it on fire.
It was a hot mess
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
Green vegetables absolutely love going on camps as a group. Their favorite is the Brussels Scouts.
How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello?
Konnichihuahua.
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
Did you hear of the story of the tornado? There is a twist at the end.
Have you wondered what made the strawberry such a smoothie? It is the yoghurt of course.
What did the stimulus do to the neuron after they got married?
Carried it over the threshold.
I love you so truly,
I love you so fine,
Please be with me always,
Please forever be mine.
Without you I’m empty,
There’s a deep void I feel,
It’s nagging and persistent,
A feeling only you can heal.
I need you my sweetheart,
I can’t live without you dear,
Because when your gone,
There’s no food to eat here!
(Unknown)
How do you know when an avocado is ripe?
What did the tornado say to the sports car?
Let's go for a spin!
Why should you be careful not to insult a crocodile?
It may come back to bite you in the butt.
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
She'll take whatever beans necessary to get her daily cup of coffee. Whatever. Beans. Necessary.
In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
Which tree is more annoying, pine or oak?
Pine. Because pine needles while oak leaves.
Do you know a bakery around? Because I would like to purchase a sweet like you.
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
My love for you simply radiates.
What would you call a power failure? A current event.
My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.”
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.
I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson
The most suitable way to bake a pie in autumn is to bake it to pie-fection!
How did the gambler know his hand would stink?
Because he was holding deuces.
Why was the king only a foot tall?
Because he was a ruler.
Archeologists discovered an ancient Egyptian tomb that was dedicated solely to women.
At least that's what they concluded as it was full of Mummys.
Did you hear that? They're playing our future song on the speakers!
What kind of bread does a racehorse eat?
Thoroughbred.
A beaver asked his fellow beavers to hurry up and said, "Water you waiting for, make haste."
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
What do alligators call human children?
Appetizers.
What do math and history have in common?
They both teach people about inequalities.
"I don't share blame. I don't share credit. And I don't share desserts"
– Beverly Sills
What do a mommy bee and a daddy bee make when they have alone time?
A babe-bee.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator
What do you call a buffet for sheep?
All you can bleat!
You’re so beautiful even the leaves fall for you.
Why shouldn't you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.
Astronauts can't open milk bottles in space. 'In space, no one can. Here, use cream'.
You must be copper because I could really CU ending up with me.
Are you powdered sugar? Because you're sweet, and fine!
I can’t tell if that was an earthquake or if you just seriously rocked my world.
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.
What do you call a crushed angle? a rectangle