“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”
― Unknown
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
“A photographer gets people to pose for him. A yoga instructor gets people to pose for themselves.” — Terri Guillemets
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.
What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
‘I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand!’
I applied for a job as an Instructor at a Scuba Diving center. The interviewer wanted to know if I can work well under pressure.
Why did the artist have to go to the bathroom right away? Because when you gotta Van Gogh, you gotta Van Gogh.
Shouldn't you be on top of the tree, Angel?
Thankfully evolution gave us ears a million years ago...
Now we finally get to use them to wear masks.
What do you give a horse that has just won the Kentucky Derby? An Appletini.
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
I felt like telling you the joke about a strawberry jam on a piece of bread, but I won't. You might go around spreading it.
Why do action potentials make good volleyball players?
They are always spiking.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
Nobody would ask the strawberry to go to the prom because it was past her sale by date.
What should you wear before driving?
The correct gear.
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I wouldn’t know,
I don’t get them from you.
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
What is a 2000 pound skeleton called
A skeleTon.
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
The school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the locomotive says “Choo Choo Choo!”
I like my coffee like I like my men: either tall or with a confusing Italian name.
Wear green, or leaf.
Where does a potato go to college? DeFry
What's a fetus's favorite craft?
Embryoidery.
Did you hear about the ice cream that went to prison?
They got their just desserts.
My mother always laughed at me when I told her my dream was to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should of seen her face when I drove pasta.
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
Roses are red, Violets are blue, You make my heart skip, I think I have Mobitz type II!
It’s so hot that my chocolate milk is now hot cocoa.
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, know what I have in common with this new powder? 8 inches.
A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.
This limerick isn’t a stretch.
It’s about an unfortunate wretch.
A werewolf pursued him.
How did he elude him?
He threw it a stick and yelled, “Fetch!”
My herbs were looking a little scuffed, but when I went to go polish them, my friend was already getting ready to help me out. This made me upset, so I grabbed a sprig out of their hands and said
This is my thyme to shine.
Where does Santa stay when he goes on vacation? At a ho-ho-ho-tel.
Why is Jupiter so sad and heartbroken? Because his crush wants a plutonic relationship with him.
Babe, your beauty throws me off-beat
What's a pun's favorite love song?
"My Punny Valentine!"
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
Are you an alien? Because I believe you’ve abducted my heart.
Would you allow me Du-bai you a drink?
The baby crow decided to dress up as his favorite vegetable on Halloween, he dressed up as a caw-liflower.
I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”
Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk,
It is one of the few animals that can make its own custard.
Where does a fish keep his money In the River Bank!
Did you hear what happened when the decorator painted his wife with cheese? He double Gloucester!
Did you hear about the cheese shop that was destroyed by a tornado?
All that’s left is da brie.