Why did the cheese get in trouble?
It was up to no gouda.

The baby beaver sang a song about the river in a video for his friends. He had a good flow.

There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea

Fifty is ten past forty
Age is but a number and counting time tends to bore me.

What sign was posted in the witches' parking lot?
Violators will be toad.

Two monkeys are high up in the tree.
One turns to the other and says, “Oooo ooo aah aahh!!”
The second monkey says, “Well put some cold water on it then!"

"Sweet Treat Dream"

If my world were made of chocolate,
I know what I would do.
I'd make a chocolate mountain
And share it all with you.

We'd eat our way up to the top
Until we'd eaten every drop.
Then chocolate clouds and chocolate rain
Would float us back to Earth again.

Chocolate fields and chocolate trees,
Chocolate rivers and chocolate seas,
Chocolate people and chocolate cars,
And houses made of chocolate bars.

Chocolate coats and chocolate hats,
Chocolate dogs and chocolate cats,
Chocolate castles. Oh, what a dream.
I would be known as the Chocolate Queen.

But there's one thing that would never do,
And I know for sure that this is true.
An end would be put to all our fun
If our world had a chocolate sun!

– Gillian M. Ward

Did you hear about the abusive flashlight? It was charged with battery.

What is the Abominable Snowman's favourite type of cup?
A yeti.

Where do bats like to relax?
In the bat-tub.

Did you hear that there’s a webpage for people who suffer from chronic eye pain?
It’s a site for sore eyes.

"I heard some dictator wants to move the Earth further from the sun."
"Why??"
"Because it will take longer to make a full revolution."

Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.

What do you call chick peas in a cavern?
Humus Sapiens

“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous

Some airplanes are so cramped that at the end of the trip, you suffer jet leg.

Today I went to the bee store
And I wanted 12 bee's but when I checked out the cashier gave me 13 and I asked him why he gave me 13 instead of 12 and he said it was a free bee.

A cynical man wishes to a Genie that he would be a psychic.
The Genie nods and snaps his fingers, and the man is warped back to his home.

Eager to see if the Genie was telling the truth, the man tests his power on a friend. When he failed to make the right guess, he shouted in frustration.

"God. I KNEW this would happen!"

What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Europe
Europe who?
Europe early this morning!

What's green with red spots?
A frog with the chicken pox.

I just heard that the government has made an amendment to lockdown to allow Father Christmas out...
It's called the Santa Clause

What did the arsonist do on Valentine's day?
He met his match.

Where do you put nectarines when you want to freeze them? Inside the peach-zer.

Which country hates Thanksgiving?
Turkey

“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld

You can put your hands at my heart’s center.

My mom is really soup-rised at the outcome when she puts yeast in the broth.

You are my raisin to smile.

What did the toothpaste wear to the club?
A tube top!

No one laughed at my soup puns. I said "When I crack a soup joke, everyone is soup-posed to laugh".

"The pursuit of happiness" means it's cool to hit on you, right?

Why can't Vikings fans eat cereal? Because they choke before they ever reach the bowl.

For the record, you’re not old, you’re a classic.

A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.

Do you hear about the pineapple and honeydew who try to get married? The court says that they cant – eloupe.

Scrambled eggs are similar to a losing basketball team because both are beaten.

What do chocolate, men, and coffee have in common?
They’re only good if they’re rich!

The main difference between the weather and a horse is that one rains down while the other is reined up.

What happened to the cheery that showed up for the tomato auditions? He was called an imposter.

What do you get when a raven flies into a group of 18 crows?
Corvid-19.

Why don’t people like grumpy vampires?
Because they have bat tempers.

What do you find if you hang from a cherry tree for hours and hours? You find that your arms get sore.

If you need to share out your to-do list, just be a dele-gator.

Why does a hummingbird hum? It doesn't know the words!

"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."

Grandpa: “Don’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”
“If you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”

Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.

Did you know Teslas don't have that new car smell?
They have more of an Elon Musk.

There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.