What do you get if a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
I really hate straws.
They suck.
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
What tree monster prowls the forest?
Frankenpine.
Only so many
And so much to get done.
I’d rather take nap.
Which alphabet gang strikes fear in the hearts of the other letters?
I Q U.
It's so hot I saw an Amish guy buy an air conditioner.
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta
What did the watermelon wife say to his stinky husband? You’ve got a strange smelon you today.
You read, white, and blew my mind.
What does a piece of cheese tell you during a game of tag?
Cheez it.
RIP boiled water.
You will be mist.
“Monday should be optional.”
TV repair during lockdown has been pretty easy.
It’s mostly remote work.
What vehicle does T-Rex use to go from planet to planet? A Dinosaucer
Why would the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch.
What is suns favourite chocolate bar?
A milky way
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."
What tree is bought the most at the plant store?
The poplar tree
Let’s kick off shall we? I just hope that my unicorn puns won’t be too corny for you.
If an adult is called a unicorn, are its young one’s called puny-corns?
Did you hear about the Italian chef with the terminal illness?
He pastaway. Now he’s just a pizza history.
What did the man say when his wife asked if he remember to get the coffee with icecream inside it?
“Sorry! Affogato!”
I was conned into believing that my hotel room in Moscow had free Wifi.
I remember the ad saying: Internyet.
What is a skeleton’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone.
What did Katy Perry drink when she was little? Bust-Tea.
Someone asked me to sing a line from "Don't go breaking my heart"
I couldn't if I tried.
What does a giant Tyrannosaurus eat? Anything she wants!
A guy wearing a suit and tie walks into a bar with an alligator…
He walks up to the bartender and asks, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
“Yes sir, we do,” says the bartender.
The guy smiles and says, “Great. Then I’ll have a beer, and my ‘gator will have a lawyer.”
What do you call a square that got into a car accident?
A rect-angle
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
Why don’t skeletons do well at sports?
Because they have no skin in the game!
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
Do you know what I did last night? I put Easter eggs in a heart shape for you to find!
Why don’t vampire’s make good artists?
Because all they draw is blood.
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”
“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels
Why is it always easy for vampires to find their better halves?
Because it’s always love at first bite.
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?
It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist's work.
They finally went with mine.
"I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral," I said.
"No," said the boy. "Your painting's wider, so it'll cover more holes in our wall."
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
I don't think I need a spine.
It's holding me back.
Why do mice have long tails?
Well, they’d look silly with long hair!
"The best abs exercise is five sets of stop eating so much..."
– Lazar Angelov
I summoned the dragon just for you. Now its time to make your wish come true.
What’s the difference between a greyhound station and a lobster with a boob job?
One’s a crusty bus-station, the other’s a busty crustacean.
Why was the leprechaun fired from his cashier job?
'Cause he was always a little short.
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.