A friend of mine lost the right side of of his brain in a car accident, but he wouldn’t stop drinking and driving.
No one in their right mind would do that.
What did the baby deer say to his friend?
“I’m so fawn-d of you!”
I don't mean to brag, but I'm one of the fastest speed-readers in the tri-county area.
Whats The Most tiniest Virus Ever? "smallpox".
You’re my #1 pick.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None because it's a hardware issue.
That’s a beautiful dog. Does she have a phone number?
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
I wish I were Castiel so I could have everything in your personal space.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
A quadriplegic man became famous playing beautiful piano classics with only his nose, ears, chin, and forehead.
Before going on stage to perform, his tour manager would say, "Alright John. It's time to face the music."
Tonight's forecast: 100% chance of love.
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
"Another glass? Wine not?!"
I get beavers and similar animals mixed up.
I otter know better.
Can I buy you an Easter Egg?
What type of window do donuts prefer in their homes?
Double glazed.
What do you call a dream when a vampire bat is chasing you?
A bat-mare.
What do vets call a paralyzed squirrel? A busted nut.
I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex.
"If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"
"One dollar." answered little Johnny.
"You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.
Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my daddy."
I like to tell this one joke about homemade bombs
But it always blows up in my face.
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
Will you let me be the avocado in your turkey sandwich?
How does a penguin get around?
By icicle.
An intrepid explorer named Petty,
Intended to capture a yeti.
But the yeti yelled, Freeze!
I’ve a gun—on your knees,
While my Dad gets the ring and confetti.
What do you call an onion that is very valuable to jewelers? You call it a pearl onion.
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
You don’t look like such a proper noun to me.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
What did one ocean say to another?
Nothing, it just waved.
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
I don’t play soccer but you’re my goal.
I got canned from a Orange juice factory...
Just couldn't concentrate.
"You'd better be a cardiologist because something about you makes me want to give you my heart."
- Grey's Anatomy
Why are the railroad tracks angry? Because people are always crossing them.
Why shouldn’t you let advanced math intimidate you?
It’s really as easy as pi!
Take a vampire to a bar, and you don't need to ask what he wants to drink. He'll have a Bloodweiser.
What did the Catholic Nectarine Priest say to the church? Peach be with you. It was a normal thing to hear from the pul-pit.
I bought a pack of those animal shaped biscuits,
but had to take them back as the seal was broken.
You look so good, it's like you have a permanent photoshop filter on.
Our school trip was a special occasion.
But we never reacher our destination.
Instead of the zoo.
I was locked in the loo.
of the toilet at the service station!
Do you have a library card?
So you can check me out?
No, because my cat just died and I need to find a book about cat funerals.
Newscaster Dad: And now, here is John with the weather.
Weatherman: It’s Jim, actually.
Newscaster: My apologies. Here’s John with the Jim.
Q. What do swine use to chat up a date?
A. Pig-Up Lines!
"If the hill has its own name, then it's probably a pretty tough hill."
Marty Stern
If you speak Hebrew and life gives you lemons...
You're an acidic Jew.
"Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to go shopping." ~ Bo Derek
What do you call a fraternity member who likes to drink the blood of goats?
A chupacabro.