This autumn, the garden told the mower to leaf him alone in peace.
At what point will you love to change your bulbs the most?
When sparks fly.
Why wouldn’t the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone? He desperately wanted a scoop.
Sad to hear that Baron von Frankenstein has given up on his dream of being an actor.
He couldn’t get the parts.
Let's 'bag' this place and go get a coffee. And yes, I am proud of that pun.
Did you want to hear the joke about the mountain? Never mind, you would never get over it.
What do you get when you cross an owl with an oyster?
Pearls of wisdom.
What sound does a Greek cow make?
"μ"
Strawberries are considered to be the most bullied fruits because they're always getting picked on.
My Wifi password is "writtenontherouter"
And I let all my guests walk to the router and let them unsuccessfully try to use the initial password until I tell them it's literally "writtenontherouter".
What do you call real bacon?
Genuswine
Two tiny tigers take two taxis to town.
What does Darth Vader say when he plays volleyball? May the spike be with you.
The barista may have forgotten your name... but I sure haven't.
My father and grandfather work for the DMV.
I come from a long line of long lines.
Why have less scato when you can have mo’ scato?
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money." ~ Henny Youngman
Having been thrown out of cartoon art school, he was in suspended animation.
A berry funny strawberry candy is called a Laffy taffy.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator
My friend sailed his yacht into the wharf very rapidly, crashing into the dock and causing a dent in the hull.
It's just a berth mark, he swears.
Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
This is one spray-cation to remember.
The weather man said there won’t be any rain for 6 months, but I drought it.
After completing the deadline just in the nick of time, the artist breathed a cyan of relief.
Which dance will a chicken not do?
The foxtrot.
What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?
A monkfish.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Roach.
Roach who?
Roach you a letter, did you get it?
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
What did the witness say at the gnome trial? In my gnome words here’s what happened.
Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo.
We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds.
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.
I don’t know why everyone is so upset about untraditional family structures, it’s been happening in the animal world for years. For example, all water buffalos have three parents.
One oxygen buffalo and two hydrogen buffalos.
What do you do when your dog chews a dictionary?
Take the words out of his mouth.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/4th.
Hey girl. Are you a beaver cuz damn.
Starlight, Starbright, why don’t you come home with me tonight!
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
Are you a dog? Because I'd like to throw you a bone.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
Many years ago, my grandfather used to cut the grass- but, he's been gone for a lawn time.
If you're alone and get too cold, you might become ice-olated.
A group of crows drooling over a pastry is called a-tempted murder.
Why did the gorilla cross the road? He had to take care of some monkey business.
What kind of dishes do skeletons serve tea on?
Bone china.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
Why did the cheese shop owner finally quit the business?
He was tired of the daily rind.
Did you hear about the butcher that backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.