What did the Australian Chess player say about the mouldy bread?
"Stalemate."

What do we call two thousand pounds of Chinese soup? It is called won – ton!

If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!

What’s a mouse favourite family sitcom?
Full Mouse.

Before I ducked out to the shops, my wife asked me to put ketchup on the shipping list.
Now I can't read it.

What kind of doctor checks ghost poo?
A ghost-roenterologist.

What is a cat’s favorite piece of artwork? The paw-trait of Meowna Lisa.

Is your name Ariel? Because we mermaid for each other.

“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood

“Hello and welcome to Monday. Do you take sugar, cream, or Valium in your morning coffee?”

What did the orange do the night before the exam?
He put his nose to the “g-rind-stone” and read the entire textbook.

Hey, I just got my flight number. I’m just missing your phone number.

Q. What did the mother doe name her new twin babies?
A. Bam B and Bam A.

What do you call a sloth that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!

I broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.
Since then I've never looked back.

Where did Velociraptor buy things? At a dino-store!

The pancake was quiet because it did not like to waffle.

I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"

Why do you never see owls being affectionate in the rain? It's too wet to woo.

What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Were you born in 1789? Because you’re a real classical beauty

When many knights were being killed by guns and bombs, the medieval scientist discovered a weapon that would destroy all their enemies. It was known as the knightrogen bomb!

Who’s there?

Can!

Can who?

Can Of Worms!

You use computers.
IPods, mobiles, cameras.
Why not write letters?

When this planet is invaded by the aliens, I’d still hold your hand.

Did you know Doctor Frankenstein used to be a lonely, lonely man?
Then he learned how to make friends.

What did Santa name his dog? Santa Paws!

How do you repair a broken tomato? Tomato Paste!

What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach? Puritan.

There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,
No one heard such a scream,
As was screamed by that lady of Russia.

"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous

What happens if a big ghoul steps on Batman and Robin?
They become flatman and ribbon!

What is the smallest onion known as? It is known as an electronion.

My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.

"Room service? Send up a larger room."

If you make a mistake of playing basketball with pigs, they will hog the ball.

I'd be Lyon to myself if I said I thought we weren't meant to be.

What did the baseball player say when the flight attendant asked what seat he was in?
"Put me in coach."

What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth?
Hard cheese!

What do a mommy bee and a daddy bee make when they have alone time?
A babe-bee.

You’re like a dictionary—you add meaning to my life.

Girl, you must be blue because you’re the hottest star around right now.

"Grandma's On The Dancefloor"

Grandma's on the dancefloor
Shaking what she's got.
If it don't shake, it wobbles,
And boy, does it wobble a lot.

The old moves don't come easy
Even though she's got new hips.
She swings them almost freely now,
And you can barely hear them click.

Grandad's in the corner,
Sipping on his beer.
Will he shake his booty?
My Grandad - No fear!

Grandma means the world to him,
And he's her Mr. Right.
He's the one who'll walk her home,
The one she'll kiss goodnight.

My sister just got married,
And the party's in full sway.
She's hand in hand with Grandma
Twisting the night away.

Sister pulls Gran closer
To make sure that she's listening.
Then Grandma stops and shouts aloud
"We're going to have a Christening."

– Graham Craven

Your ass is so nice, it's a shame you have to sit on it.

I wanna Margaret your Thatcher.

If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.

How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.

Why do ghosts like elevators? They raise their spirits.

As I lay cozy, all snug in my bed,
I enjoy the imagination inside my head
Until I hear racket beside my bed.
It's my 5:00 alarm!

I quickly silent you, you annoying alarm.
Then we SNOOZE together and let dreams carry on.
Enjoying the peace, then I'll be darned;
It's my 5:15 reminder!

Now I hush the ringing of my reminder.
Ok Alarm, let's put that behind us.
Eyes just shut, but here goes that timer
It's 7:20. I'm late!!!

(By Demecia Dean)

What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.