What do a phone and an engaged girl have in common? They both have rings.
The butcher’s life was at steak when the meat market caught fire.
I found a sour strawberry today. It was berry bad.
I think it’s funny when I ask girls whether they would spit or swallow my seed if I was a watermelon. Unfortunately, almost all of them reply not in a hundred melon years.
Remember to stop and smell the rosé.
What's the difference between an owl and an Irish funeral?
One's awake in the night and the other's a wake in the day.
What is the best breakfast cereal to eat in the winter?
Frosted Flakes!
A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and with a screaming voice said, “I have a complaint!”
“How can i help you?” said the librarian looking up at her.
“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!”
Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked “What was wrong with it?”
“It had way too many characters and there was no plot!” said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, “Ahhh. So YOU must be the person who took our phone book."
Q. Which doe did all the stags and bucks sing about in the 1960s?
A. Deer Prudence.
What did the goat say when he woke up on a train?
I have no idea how I goat here.
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
Sheep jokes are bad.
Really baaaaaaa-d.
My wife is always telling me I shouldn’t stick Q-tips so far in my ear
At least that’s what I think she was saying.
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
Why don't aliens get hungry after being blasted into space?
Because they've just had a big launch.
Anne of Green Gables? More like Anne of Green Babeles.
Why do beavers make the best neighbors?
Because they mind their own dam business.
Why don't pirates shower before walking the plank?
Because they washup on shore.
I was at my hotel in Spain and wasn't feeling well.
Reception said they had a doctor on staff.
The doctor asked me lots of questions and I was then feeling much better.
I told reception I didn't expect a hotel would have a doctor on staff
They said it was a Spanish Inn Physician
What did the generous mole say when people crashed his party?
The mole the merrier
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
As two onions were crossing the road, one of them was run over by a car. Upon being rushed to the hospital, the doctor informed the other onion, "I have some news that is going to make you cry!"
Henry VIII had breathing troubles - he had no heir!
This foundation is rock salad.
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
You must be from Quebec because these feelings I have for you are Mont-real.
I was cracking some lame fall puns when my friend commented, "Gosh, you are acorny person!"
When can three giant dinosaurs get under an umbrella and not get wet? When it's not raining!
What is a skeleton’s favorite mode of transport?
A scare-plane.
Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.
I have successfully managed to synthesize a protein that makes two people fall in love. Do you want to try it?
What do you call a little ghost with a torn sheet? A hole-y terror.
My girlfriend left me because all I do is talk about football.
I'm so sad, we were together for 3 seasons.
What are mammoles?
Four-legged ani-moles
What happened to the skeleton who sat by the fire for too long?
He became bone dry.
What do you call a pony running in a circle? Centrifugal horse.
Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence!
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees.
I saw some leprechauns putting coins in the vending machine but in vain. They were using lepre-coins.
Why don’t readers have extra time? They’re booked.
What do you get if cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle-neck jumper.
Why was the white wine's off-beat pun so boo-ed?
Because it was too corky.
Who would win a game of hide and seek between a dalmatian and a tiger? The tiger because he wouldn't be spotted.
After a tiring day at work, my wife drew me a relaxing bath. It wasn't very smart of me to ask if it was going to be in color or a sketch.
Don’t drop the ball – without you, the party will be incomplete.
I could say that I wandered lonely as a cloud before I met you, but what are these Wordsworth if you won't go out with me?
I heard there are names that can be impossible to make puns out of, say its not Zoey!
What did the Dalmatian say when he finished his meal?
That really hit the spot.