What do you call a skeleton's favorite singer?
Pelvis Presley.
Hey girl, if you were a turkey you'd only need minimal basting because you're already so juicy.
An ambitious young fellow named Matt,
Tried to parachute using his hat.
Folks below looked so small,
As he started to fall,
Then got bigger and bigger and SPLAT!
“On the internet, you can be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.”
Anonymous
Why are plants the best chefs?
They’re succulent.
My neighbors house got struck by lightning.
It hit close to home.
What did the eyewitness tell the cops after a computer robbed a bank?
It went data way!
"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood."
— Bill Murray
I heard that a truck carrying Scrabble tiles has just overturned… Well, that’s the word on the street, anyway.
Are you Jewish? Cause you IS RAELI HOT.
The computer said my password needed at least eight characters and at least one number, so I changed it to Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
If I had a dollar for every time I thought of you, I'd only have a dollar because you never leave my mind.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
Just like Evan, this match is also the cure
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
When the ghost saw his wife he said 'you're not just cute, you're boo-tiful too!'
My wife threatened to leave me if I didn't stop making monster puns.
So I guess our relationship might as well be ogre.
The soup was busy and preoccupied. He was stewing over something his friend said.
While cuddling my girlfriend, I whispered "Honey, this isn't working out for me."
Then I rolled off the bed and started doing push-ups. "This is working out for me!"
My dad didn’t love me as a child, but I don’t really blame him.
I wasn’t born until he was an adult.
What do you do with a green ghoul?
Wait until it ripens!
Guy: "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?"
Girl: "No, but I did scrape my knees a couple times crawling up from hell."
Every time i see you, my cardiovascular system gets all worked up.
Two sodium atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly one says “Oh, my God, I’ve lost an electron!” The other says “Lost an electron! Are you sure?” and the first replies “Yes, I’m positive!”
You mermake me happy.
Hannibal crossed the Alps because it was safer than crossing the elephants.
I went to watch a play and there were so many peach errors in the dialogues.
What do you say to an avocado who’s done a good job?
“Bravocado!”
My wife asked: "What's our WiFi?"
I said: It's an internet connection that works wirelessly through something called a modem. Why?"
She hasn't spoken to me all week.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
We had made everything for the party and the groom came in, did a quick assessment and didn’t seem amused. “Orange you glad we did this?” we asked him.
Who was the knight that was very secretive?
Sir Reptitious
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
I went to see the Liberty Bell the other day.
It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.
Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. -- Napoleon
How did the hammerhead do on his test?
He nailed it.
Kangaroos can grow up to six feet.
Most only grow two.
Can I show you my yellow submarine?
It’s so cold that Grandpa’s teeth are chattering – in the glass!
How can you tell if you are in love?
If they stole a pizza your heart.
Why did the pineapple suddenly stop the car in the middle of the highway? Because it just ran out of juice.
We failed to find the dog's bone because the owner berried it.
A great knight became all discombobulated and lost his weapons...
He was all out of swords.
Our school trip was a special occasion.
But we never reacher our destination.
Instead of the zoo.
I was locked in the loo.
of the toilet at the service station!
Tim Vine
grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom.
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
Baseball Fan: Have you ever seen a line drive?
Blond Baseball Fan: No, but I have seen a baseball park.
When you cross a train engine with a strawberry tart, you make a puff pastry.
I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today.
We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.
“What did you just call it?” I asked.
“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.
My boss told me that he was going to fire the person with the worst posture
I have a hunch, it might be me.