What's a baby gherkin's favorite TV channel?
Pickleodeon.
Why was the broom late? It over swept!
What is a cat’s favorite vegetable? As-purr-agus.
What is a jedi electrician’s favorite tool?
His lightsaber.
What do you call it when it rains ducks and geese?
Fowl weather.
Will you, William? Will you, William? Will you, William?
Can't you, don't you, won't you, William?
What happened when the bat swallowed the alarm-clock?
She turned into a ding-bat.
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
What is it called when a tree stabs his friend in the back?
A be-tree-yal
Hey baby, are you a shrink? 'Cause I went nuts when you walked by.
“Arguing with a fool proves there are two.”
– Doris M. Smith
Why is a robot engineer never lonely? Because he’s always making new friends.
"Love the wine you're with."
What does the Tour de France and Amsterdam have in common?
They both have a bunch of people on drugs riding around on bikes.
When is a piece of wood made king? when its a ruler
When are you due back in heaven?
Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind. I don't want to spread it around
What did the giant octopus say to the pirate ship?
- What’s Kraken?
Why did the teacher use the evolution of Thor in viking mythology to teach both literature and Northern European history in her class?
She wanted to demonstrate using a Meta-Thor.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
For breakfast I had ice cream
With pickles sliced up in it;
For lunch, some greasy pork chops
Gobbled in a minute;
Dinner? Clams and orange pop,
And liverwurst, slicked thick---
And now, oops! Oh pardon me!
I'm going to be sick!
(William Cole)
Hey baby, mind if I send my probe into your wormhole?
Remember the city,
Remember the town,
Remember the s/he who ruined your birthday card.
By writing inside upside down!
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium?
He just couldn’t put it down.
What do you call a dog who can fight?
A Boxer.
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
My wife said to me, if you don't get off of the computer and help with the housework, she will bash my head on the keyboard.
But I think she's JokiSDGF4s475241GHHHNM,GDSSSDFSDFSDFADGHKLL;/UYRT5555rrTTTTTTEEEECbbbbbbbbII003333454587111,KSDFUJYTFD3u8ol;b ki90l.YJNMLGDSFSDASEDRUKOML'M :][EYRTYB;JIOI#M#KYFU6DCK ;/[]/
Dealers Will Hear Car Talk At Noon
Why can’t people hear your scream in the space? Because it’s miles away.
My bowing arm is pretty sore… Because you just made my tremolo.
Egg puns are the most egg-citing.
The dentist said that he could knock me out with gas, or he could use a big metallic rock.
I said ether/ore.
Why don't you want to sleep in the sheep pen?
It would be total bedlam!!
What do you call a fast broomstick?
A vroom-stick.
What happened when the bear applied at the movie theater?
He was told he was not koala-fied.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears.
Which element is a member of famous rock band?
Hg
“That’s not how Aquarians operate. They don’t do things steadily, they are running about one day then comatose the next.”
— Mary English
I'm not too fond of not finishing my entire bowl of cereal. I think I have irritable bowl syndrome.
Shouldn’t we be carbon dating right now? Let’s get on with it.
Are you from Starbucks because I like you a latte!
Why doesn’t Sweden export its cattle?
It wants to keep its Stockholm.
Can a fencing champion born in France, but raised in the U.S. represent either country in the olympics?
Yes. Because they have duel citizenship.
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
Anonymous
Did your parents work on The Manhattan Project? Because you’re the bomb!
I was surprised at the number of onions needed for this dish- it calls for shallot of onions.
What do you call it when you get mugged on the vernal equinox?
The first robbin’ of spring!
Did you hear about the aquarium owner?
His shark was worse than his pike.
“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.” Spike Milligan.
Why do blues musicians tour the most in the summer? So they can visit all their kids.