What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
My bowing arm is pretty sore… Because you just made my tremolo.
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
– George Miller
What do you call a gorilla who has been locked up in prison?
A kong-vict
How does a volleyball team welcome their new neighbors? With a block party.
You read, white, and blew my mind.
Did they just take you out of the oven? Because you’re hot!
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.
I was testing the speaker phone on the intercom on our landline with my father yesterday.
It started to make that annoying noise. My old man said it was too close to call.
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
It’s so hot that the only waves at the beach were heatwaves.
What do you get when you cross an avocado with a two way radio?
A Guackie-talkie
What do you do when you miss the ferry?
Call a canoe-ber.
I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.
― Noel Coward
The apple says to the pineapple “What? Go out with you tonight? It will not happen in a million years!” Since then, we have a crushed pineapple.
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
What do you call a line of men out on the lawn, having sausages and waiting to have a haircut and shave?
A barber queue.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent.
Now it has no friends.
Baby, you light up my mood like the way chocolate can.
What do dogs have that no other animal has?
Puppies.
Why is a baseball team similar to a muffin? They both depend on the batter.
what do you need to have proper grammar?
a proper grampar.
Why are frogs great outfielders?
Because they never miss a fly.
The scarecrow won an award because it had been excellent in its field.
I'm actually way hotter than poutin.
Saw a great offer on cheese in Tesco today!
It was buy one get one brie.
Know what kind of cookies rich people love? Fortune cookies.
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
A.A Milne
Why did the blonde skier cut a hole near the top of her boyfriend's ski parka?
She wanted to give him the cold shoulder.
Hey babe, are you the Mcdonald's Ice Cream Machine, because you just aren't working for me anymore.
Did you hear about the ice cream that went to prison?
They got their just desserts.
What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? "Where's Popcorn?"
If a star fell for every time I thought of you, the sky would be empty.
What does a winged horse drink from at a party?
A keg-asus.
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
You know why women's eyes are so noticeable these days?
It's the mask era.
You are beryllium, gold, and titanium all rolled into one. Simply BeAuTi-ful.
What do you call two kangaroos who live together?
Roo-mates.
“A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.”
– Markus Zusak
What does the witch do on her birthday?
She spellabrates.
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
What do you call a fake Irish stone?
A shamrock.
Did I just step into an E. M. Forster novel? Because any room with you in it is A Room with a View.
Help me score one more time for team Canada?
Practice safe text: use commas.
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
Baby, you better get out of that express lane, 'cause you're all that *and* a bag of chips.
What kind of cake do you get at a cafeteria?
A stomach-cake!