You’re my soul Santa.
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
Why do ice cream cones always carry an umbrella?
There’s a chance of sprinkles.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack? An abdominal snowman.
Are you a fortune cookie?
Because you're always wrong.
What is a strawberry's favorite music band? Pearl Jam.
Why are dragons such good story tellers?
Because they have long tails.
How did the gorilla know she was poorly? She had a belly ape.
Tomorrow is still a mystery.
Yesterday is already history.
And today it is your BIRTHDAY!
Man: Hi! Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
Woman: Maybe once. I never make the same mistake twice!
What problem do you encounter with twin witches?
You can never tell which is witch.
"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
I have no idea what I'm doing with eyeliner
To be honest, I just wing it.
Does your Dad own Snapple, because you're made of the best stuff on earth?
The couple who married during autumn lived apple-ly ever after!
Did you hear about the two bed bugs who met in the mattress? They got married in the spring.
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits."
Anonymous
How do you know if you are dealing with a smart zombie?
They are wearing helmets!
When is the best time to paint a dog?
When they're asleep.
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
What’s the best way to catch unicorns? Simple, by herding them all to one corner.
"Ah, yes, divorce… A Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
I knew this gambler.
He bet it all on a bluff.
He is now homeless.
My wireless keyboard isn't working
I guess I need to re-pair it.
A truck full of christmas trees have been stolen.
Police admit they are stumped.
Hey girl, are you the sun? Because you’re the center of my universe.
I applied for a job as an Instructor at a Scuba Diving center. The interviewer wanted to know if I can work well under pressure.
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
I put some salt on my mobile. Now it’s a saxaphone.
If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard.
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
Why wasn't the hunter allowed to bring his antelope and buffalo with him on the plane?
You're only allowed one carrion.
I love walking my neighbor’s dog. It’s the leashed I can do.
If it ain’t brogue, don’t fix it.
An egg walks into a bar...
And makes a real mess.
You’re just like how I like my potatoes — sweet.
All farts...are laughing gas.
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
I need a front door for my hall,
The replacement I bought was too tall.
So I hacked it and chopped it,
And carefully lopped it,
And now the dumb thing is too small.
What did the priest say at the flooding river?
God, dam it!
What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell.
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
I hear this house is haunted… we better stick together.
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing?
Au revoir.
What do you call a famous turtle?
A shell-ebrity.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger's shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m unoriginal,
This is all I can do.