How do you know if there is a Brachiosaurus in bed with you? By the dinosnores.
Woah! You look like I need a drink.
What crosswords do zombies like?
Crypt-ic ones.
A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.
He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”
What animal could Noah not trust?
Cheetah
“We are experiencing slight tuber-lence on the flight”
What do you call a freezing bear?
A brrrrrrr.
What do you call a bat with the flu?
An airborne disease.
It's a-boat time we took a vacation!
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
Last Thanksgiving, I cut my hand with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law grabs my bloody wound and starts twisting it. I screamed, “Ouch! What are you doing!!”
He said, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut.”
Why did the Easter bunny fire the duck?
He kept quacking all the eggs.
Why does the ocean roar?
You would too if you had crabs on your bottom.
I love you and I ain’t lion.
My roommates insist that our house is haunted
I’ve lived here for 274 years and never once met a ghost.
What happened when the snowgirl had a fight with the snowboy?
She gave him the cold shoulder.
How do you stop your dog from barking in your front yard?
Put him in your backyard.
Reindeer don't go to school—they're elf taught.
Are you made of uranium? I’m made of iodine! That explains why all I can see is U and I together.
"I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."
- Jerry Seinfeld
I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.
What is it called when bigger burgers fall from the sky?
Meatier showers.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two...
My colleague kept on missing deadlines, so I advised him not to bite off more than he can blue!
We’ll need protracturtle in our next lesson since the topic will be angles.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
tl;dr
They differ in hue.
What’s the ratio of a pumpkin’s circumference to its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
"The Crocodile"
How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale!
How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!
– Lewis Carroll
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.
He sent in ten different puns hoping at least one of the puns would win but, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement,
Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?
What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray.
You’re as sweet as a flower, and not a daisy goes by when I don’t think of you.
Why couldn’t the cat read a book? He was il-litter-ate!
“It’s a sure sign of summer if the chair gets up when you do.”
-Walter Winchell
Besides eucalyptus leaves, what is a koala bear’s favorite vegetable? Koalaflower.
There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
My brother was reading a book about a medieval castle that always had its drawbridge up. Unfortunately, he couldn't really get into the book!
Chuck Norris doesn't need to flush the toilet. He simply goes "Boo!" and anything in the bowl promptly rushes away.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
Seagulls talking
what's the matter?
fussy squawking
seagulls talking...
Waddle walking
pavement patter-
Seagulls talking
what's the matter?
Birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”
Angry fussing
birds discussing
seagull cussing
“Hey, I want some!”
birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”
(Rhona McFerran)
It’s all so good –
Turkey and ham,
Macaroni and cheese, dressing and cranberry sauce,
Chocolate cake, pumpkin and potato pie.
Thanksgiving is just the beginning
Of the holiday season,
And already, I’m getting bigger and bigger.
My jeans are telling me I should skip Christmas.
- Natasha Niemi
How do you make a pig really happy on his birthday? Throw him a sow-prize party.
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
You know you’re getting old when…there is nothing left to learn the hard way.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
I should have dressed up as a ghost tonight so I could let you under my sheets.
Hey, let's hold a costume party. You can be a bank, and I can be alone!
Why did the sloth get fired from his job? He would only do the BEAR minimum.