I'm planning on making an application that randomly closes the video game you are playing and opens a different one.
It's going to be a game changer.
What do you call a three-footed aardvark? a yardvark!
You seem to be traveling at the speed of light, because time always seems to stop when I look at you.
What do you get when you cross Ice, chocolate, a big strawberry, a giant pineapple, and cold milk? The worlds best Sundae!
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
Santa's beard is so long because he's bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?
What did the beaver tell the tree? It has really been nice gnawing you.
Why do onions have poor self-image?
Because people cry when they get onions naked.
Do you know what the favourite soup of a ghost is? It is the Scream of Broccoli.
What did they give former Flyers left-winger Brian when he successfully
bulked up? Massive Propps.
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
What happens when you blend an artificial waterway with a tree? You get a root canal.
New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...
What do magician avocados say?
Avocadabra!
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress. -- Ronald Reagan
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”
The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.
Why did the dog walk in to the saloon?
He was looking for the man who shot his paw
Why do people like working at the Red Lobster?
It helps them get out of their shell.
"I whip my hare back and forth."
Turn to the girl sitting next to you at the bar and say, "I'm not really this tall, I'm sitting on my wallet."
If I were a cat, I'd spend all 9 lives with you
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because the cows have horns.
When God made you, he was just showing off.
I’m like the smell of chlorine – I’ll never leave you.
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
Are you a banana? Because I find you a-peeling
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells
A Portuguese, Spaniard, Dane, Finn, Swede, German, French, Italian, Belgian, Austrian, Czech, Polish, Russian, Afgani, Serbian, Brit, Irish, Scot, Sardinian, Corsican, Icelander, Belarian, Romanian, Yugoslavian, Hungarian, Ukrainian, Bulgarian, Turk, Morrocan, Algerian, Liberian, Sudanese, S. African, Zambian, Ethiopian, Bosnian, Nigerian, Angolan, Botswanian, Tanzanian, Saudi Arabian, Kuwaiti, Iranian, Iraqi, Pakistanian, Mongolian, Indian, Burman, Chinese, Cambodian, Laotian, Somalian, Yemen, Syrian, Israeli, Armenian, Philipino, Javan, Australian, Sri Lankan, Malaysian, Georgian, Taiwanese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Puerto Rican, Dominican Republican, Aruban, Jamacian, Cuban, Haitian, El Salvadorian, Guatamalan, Nicaraguan, Costa Rican, Panamanian, American, Canadian, Mexican, Argentinian, Bolivian, Peruvian, Columbian, Brazilian, Ecuadorian and a Venezuelan walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, "Sorry. I cannot serve you without a Thai."
What do you call bananas that don't stick up for themselves? A bunch of pansies.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent? Show me the honey!
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow." ~ Martin Sheen
My parents always brought me up to believe the sky's the limit.
Which was a shame because I wanted to be an astronaut.
Someone said, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."
So I through a dictionary at them.
Why did the geologist take his girlfriend to the quarry? He wanted to get a little boulder. How did the geology student drown? His grades were below C-level
What did the Inuit say to to Englishman After he wanted some seal?
"I've got Nunavut."
What vehicle does T-Rex use to go from planet to planet? A Dinosaucer
My friend’s parrot lost his beak in a fan accident and he wanted to find a prosthetic. I sent him to my Uncle Tony.
He fits the bill.
What do you call a snake with no clothes on?
Snaked.
A mom texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?" He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later." The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."
What is the favourite toothpaste of the security guards of a mining company?
Coalgate.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road ? The chicken hadn't evolved yet!
Where do prehistoric reptiles like to go on vacation? To the dino-shore.
What did the pumpkin say to the jar? Soon I will be ajar too.
How do two skeletons have se*?
They bone each other.
Who is the most famous skeleton detective?
Sherlock Bones.
How does santa get his Reindeer to fly? He uses Red Bull because it gives you wings!
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
What can never ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?
Thanksgiving breakfast.