Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
You must be a C major scale... All natural.
I am an introvert, but you know how to bring me out of my shell.
It's so cold hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
The day we met I still remember so clear,
My heartbeat with love as you came near,
Please know that I’m sorry I forgot our anniversary,
But please don’t make me take a test on our love history!
What did the electrical engineer say when he got shocked? That hertz.
I keep making bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado!
Today isn’t the day to be making jokes about the weather.
It’s snow joke.
On Big Ben. “It’s just a big clock? I don’t understand all the hype with this clock. It is literally just a clock. It’s going to be a digital one in thirty years anyway. ”
— Montgomery Smith
I know we just met, but will you marinade me?
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
Why can’t people hear your scream in the space? Because it’s miles away.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor after my first day at work.
Deep down I realized it wasn’t for me.
What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Thunderwear.
What are the benefits of city buses using green fuel? They’ll always be on thyme.
I gave my heart to a girl from Great Britain.
She turns around and Brexit into a million pieces.
What do you call an alligator that makes others fight?
An instigator.
A hippie when his opponent disputes his calls: That’s pretty far-out, man!
An Indonesian Giant stubbed his foot on a volcano...
- Did he Krakatoa?
Q: Why did no one like peach’s personality?
A: Because it had a heart of stone.
Santa's beard is so long because he's bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?
Did you know knights are known for wearing dishware?
Thats why they call it plate armor.
The neighbor's dog pooped in our yard, so my wife told me to get the shovel and toss it over their fence.
But that didn't solve anything.
Now the neighbors have my shovel and someone still has to pick up the poop in our yard.
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
Where do apes like to cook their sausages?
On the gorilla.
A sad bullet comes home to his family.
"Honey you look terrible!" Exclaims his wife. "What happened?"
"I got fired."
Step one to running a marathon: You run. There is no step two.
-Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
Excuse me, would you like a raisin? No? How about a date then?
I'm not saying my grandpa was unlucky but he died in the middle of the desert.
Witnesses said it was the most unusual shark attack they've ever seen.
"There’s nothing more tedious than seeing how a person shows his intellect, especially if there isn’t any."
- Erich Maria Remarque
Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?
He was Bjorn again.
I’ll open your heart like Nixon opened the door to China in ’72.
What did the introverted pig say when asked why they don’t like socializing?
“I’m not a people porcine.”
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car.
Throw you off a tree so high.
Hope you break your neck and die!
Twinkle Twinkle little star.
Go to heck, it isnt far.
Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
Why do physics professors prefer overweight students?
They have greater potential.
What football team do energy providers root for the most? The Chargers”
Why are apples afraid to grow in the United States? Because they don't want to be as American as apple pie.
"How many Taureans does it take to change a lamp? None. Taureans don't like to change anything."
Why did the potato wear socks?
To keep his pota-toes warm.
I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a 🍲. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa.
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
How did the frog feel when he hurt his leg?
Unhoppy
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.