It’s so hot that I’m using Celsius instead of Fahrenheit just to have a lower number.
Have you heard about the gorilla who got a name change?
Peaches the gorilla escaped from the zoo, but when they got him back they had to change it because it turns out he had become an Ape Re-caught.
Can I just watch this Spotify ad? Cause I’d love 30 mins of uninterrupted time with you.
Copernicus was wrong, you are the center of my universe.
Did you hear about the rabbit who refused to leave her house? She was having a bad hare day.
That's a nice dress — where's the rest of it?
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who watched his wife making a stew;
But once by mistake,
In a stove she did bake,
That unfortunate Man of Peru.
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
If they could prove cell phones give deadly radiation
You could say to people you don't like "cant talk right now, you're giving me cancer".
I like dillos, but do not support giving them guns.
I would never armadillo.
What do Krakens eat?
Fish and ships.
Those who study the moon for their course or as a habit, are optimists. And that is because they look at the brighter side always.
We all know that rooms are just empty spaces, and no one can even dream of making a delicacy out of them. The only room is the mushroom.
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
What is soap's favorite brand of beer?
Sud-light
To the person who stole my coffee, my lamp, and my parrot…
I don’t know how you sleep at night.
How can you tell when a polar bear is moving?
There’s a “fur sale” sign in the yard.
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
Did you hear about the boat that crashed into the beach?
The captain fell asleep and the crew didn't realize until they were already in the no wake zone.
Vincent vowed vengeance very vehemently.
Grasshoppers do not fancy soccer matches because most of them prefer cricket matches.
Why didn’t one skeleton want to look at the other skeleton?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
If I had a dime for every time I saw a BMW turn without signaling, I could buy a BMW.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
What do you say when your dad wears a speedo to the pool?
Spee-don’t!
I gave my wife that new gorilla glue chapstick...🦍💄
It left her speechless
I had a dream that I was a mechanic who fixed wrecked cars.
It was an auto body experience.
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
Where does a ghost go on vacation? Mali-boo.
What is a dog’s favorite book?
Harry Paw-ter and the Sorcerer’s Bone.
Baby, there ain't no placebo for what I can give you.
In grammar you shouldn’t do double negatives.
It’s a no no.
France – it’s just a oui bit different!
Which is the fanciest onion? A cocktail onion.
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.
"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox
You're a Catch Worthy of a Gold Glove
Where do dinosaurs get their mail ? At the dead-letter office!
Wanna have a bath with me.. you can play with my rubber dickie.
What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy?
“You scratch my beak and I’ll scratch yours!”
There was a fight at the fish restaurant last night.
Two haddock got battered.
This love feels like floating endlessly in outer space and looking for your pretty lost smiles.
Funny meat-ing you here.
My Ex-wife called me to tell me my son was arrested for setting a house on fire. I corrected her saying...
Arson.
What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
The guy who invented Systane had his funeral today.
There wasn't a dry eye in the house.
What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower? Vibrato.