Just found out they make adult race car beds so I bought one.
That way I can be fast asleep.
When it rains chickens and ducks, the best description for the weather is foul weather.
Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?
Because he was always spotted.
What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out."
I made a snap decision to watch football today
There are two people who both claim to live in the building where Shakespeare wrote Romeo & Juliet. They should put a plaque on both their houses.
What's green and dangerous?
A frog with a hand-grenade.
I tried asking some beavers to help me build my house. They didn’t give a dam.
I'm sorry I'll have to confiscate your driving license...
Because you are driving me crazy!
When I refused to have the soup, my sister said "People who do not have soup are stew-pid".
My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine. I added fruit and orange juice, and now she sangria than ever!
Why do pumpkins never quarrel? Because they have no stomach for fighting.
Why did the frog go to the bank with a gun?
He wanted to robbit.
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
I imagine eventually there will be a day when we have a WiFi hotspot on Mt. Everest.
Only then will we reach peak internet.
“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
Did I invite you to the Barbecue?
Then why are you all up in my grill?
Why was the tree doctor so good at his job? He could always get to the root of the problem.
The Truth About The Beatles:
John was the brain.
Paul was the heart.
George was the spirit,
and Ringo was the drummer.
What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
What's green and sour and swims in an aquarium?
A tro-pickle fish.
Roses are red
violets are blue.
You may not know this but
I’m falling for you.
My wife just started an all-fruit diet.
There was enough food to make a mango crazy.
Why was Julius Caesar the first dictator of Rome?
He was the only one with the Gaul to try it.
You know why I hate Julius Caesar jokes?
They always kill me.
What do you call an important English snake?
Sir Pent.
The soup chef changed the design of his menu. He said his new favorite font is Times New Ramen.
Had a colonoscopy the other day,
Worst dentist appointment I've ever had.
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money." ~ Henny Youngman
“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx
Why should you never expect perfection from geologists?
Because they all have their faults.
Honda is oldest car make in the world. It was mentioned in the bible!
"And the apostles were all in Accord"
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
How do astronauts eat their ice cream? In floats!
Who were the original transformers? Vampire bats!
What did one avocado half say to the other?
Without you, I’m empty inside!
Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?
Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.
There's a criminal who lives at the end of the rainbow, who likes to trick people. He is called the lepre-con artist.
Did you see that meteor shower?
No, I respect others’ privacy.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
"An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field."
~ Niels Bohr
Your clothes would look better accelerating towards the floor at 9.8 m/s.
Want to ge together sometime and make Double Trouble?
What does a mermaid say when she was leaving the party?
- Sea ya later.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad to see me?
The coffee shop owner was afraid. He wanted to know if the shop had ground to operate in the black.
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
Gobbling gargoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.