What do you call a smartass bird of prey?
A know it owl.
How does a car begin telling you bad news?
‘I hate to brake it to you…’
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
Witches are always wand-ering around…
Are you Messi? 'Cause you look ike you'd never miss
The public investigated a box full of crows because it was a murder case.
The last buyer I worked with wasn’t that bright.
When I handed him an exclusive buyer agreement that said “sign here” at the bottom, instead of signing his name, he just wrote “Capricorn.”
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution
Why do brain cells grown in a dish attend the ballet and opera?
Because they are very cultured.
Can I borrow your library card? Cause I’m checking you out.
What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
Heard about the beaver who can split huge logs with his eyes? Yes, he just saw the logs, and they broke into two.
How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!
What did France, Great Britain, and their allies say after The Great War?
World War Won.
If someone says, “See you later alligator,” you must respond with, “In a while crocodile.”
It’s in the bye laws.
There's a serious ear condition that dogs can get, it makes their ears ring all the time.
It's called Rin-Tin-Tinnitus.
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
What's green and dangerous?
A frog with a hand-grenade.
My Spotify sucks. It showed me the hottest singles, and missed you out!
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
What did the orange say before he started his new job?
“The zest is yet to come!”
I was straining some old noodles but eventually, I chickened out. It was such a broth-er.
Why was the skeleton stupid?
He was a numskull.
Why did Dr. Frankenstein hire Igor as his assistant?
He had a hunch about him.
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
“I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it.”
- Edith Sitwell
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
I’ve been working on my poop art recently...
It’s pretty sh**.
Did you hear about the mother who gave birth to her baby while she was in the sky?
I guess you can say the baby was airborne
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
— Robert Frost
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'.”
― Tommy Cooper
What do you call a shrimp hit by a car?
Road krill.
You're such a TEAse.
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
Your name must be Autumn because I am falling for you.
Heya, howl you doin'? Yikes, sorry, that was a ruff start.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
Which violation do ghosts get called for the most in basketball?
Ghoul tending.
Did you hear that they're trying to convict an orange?
It got wrapped up in appeal.
I’m diagnosing you to see if you’d make a good boyfriend.
Help!!! There's nobody steering this yacht!!
Don't worry. It's on yachtopilot.
Why was the IT guy in the hospital?
He touched the firewall.
You must be tired, because you’ve been running through my nightmares all night!
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
What did the bear say when her date showed up too early?
I’ll be out in a minute, I’m bearly dressed.
The classiest indoor tennis facilities serve bubble tea.
Did you hear a gnome's favorite sport is baseball?
They love to score gnome runs.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only 2. They'll fit.