“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben

What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.

Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.

Look Honey, a cactus!
I haven't seen that many pricks in one place since your family was in for Thanksgiving!

I'll put a tear drop in the ocean. When you find it is when I'll stop loving you.

Hey baby, are you my flight? Because I wish I could catch you.

Why did the duck detective get the key to the city?
Because he quacked the case.

Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.

It’s so cold I saw a gangsta with his pants pulled up.

I'm sorry but you need to pay your rent.
You've been living in my heart for quite some time now.

Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.

Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!

“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous

How are baseball umpires and angry chickens alike?
Both make fowl calls.

Even if there was no gravity, I'd still fall for you.

“Did you nap after eating the Thanksgiving meal? Or did you pass out like you were shot by a tranquilizer gun?” — Jim Gaffigan

How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades?
By shaving with them.

How did the real estate agent handle the rude client?
She showed her some manors.

"Physically I’m here. Mentally I’m in a pool in Bali ordering my third mojito."

Mummies are very aware of investment security. Their favorite is Cryptocurrency.

My friends say that I cannot cook alphabet soup for this dinner. And now they are eating their words.

We make a great pear

Why did the gnome visit his mother?
To get a gnome-cooked meal.

Why did the river refuse to join the sea? Because the sea was salty.

Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.

Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes?
To make them light and fluffy.

Why did the Gorilla fail its exam? He didn't have the ape-titude.

Lava is red and tsunamis are blue. If I had to choose a case study, I’d choose you.

"Daddy Neck Stretchers"

A long neck giraffe,
I saw it at the zoo.
And I wished my head
could be up high, too!


Daddy, I asked,
Why is my neck so small?
I want a giraffe's neck,
long and tall.

Then I could touch
the sky so blue,
just like the giraffe's
with his neck-tall view.

I need a neck stretcher.
Daddy, please get me one.
To be high up in the air,
would be so much fun!

Suddenly, Up! Up! Up!
I felt myself rise!
With my head in the clouds,
I was no longer kid-sized.

Next to the giraffe,
I sat proud and tall.
My daddy's the best
neck stretcher of all.

– Darlene Gifford

What do you get when you cross a pig and a tortoise?
A slow-pork.

But would they be stoned by the goalie?
No, they'd smoke it right between the pipes!

Last year, twenty candles
that doesn’t sound a lot –
But that was not the whole cake
just on the slice I got.

We have two turkeys at our house
'cause Mom and Gramma fight.
Neither one of them believes
the other roasts it right.
There's also two of stuffing,
two of home-made berry sauce.
Let's face it, there are two of each,
'cause both of them are boss.
We eat it all , some food from both,
in order to be nice.
We also make quite sure that when
we burp -- that we burp twice!

- Denise Rodgers

Are you a needle? Because you are sew special to me.

“It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.”

– Dylan Thomas

Q. Which kind of cheese is made fom deer milk?
A. Moose-erella.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
He’s in love with me,
And not exactly for you.
And if you take my place,
I’ll take my plate and smash your face.

(Unknown)

I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.

Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.

‪I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a 🍲. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa. ‬

"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world."
— E. B. White

KFC have hired geneticists to edit chicken DNA
Apparently they want something CRISPR.

What do you call a guy with an ear fetish.
Hard for hearing.

Why are people in big cities in Spain always dry?
Because the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.

What happens when you’re alone and you get too cold.
You’re totally ice-olated.

They figured it was the best way to break the ice.

Should we go out on Friday? Isla pick you up at 7.

What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.

“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”
– Bernard Meltzer

There was an Old Person of Prague,
Who was suddenly seized with the Plague;
But they gave his some butter,
Which caused him to mutter,
And cured that Old Person of Prague.