“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck
I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
I am.
I am who?
You mean you don’t know who you are?
Two blondes are walking down the road when one says "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says "Where?"
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Alfie
Alfie who?
Alfie terrible if you leave!
He is the best chef in the city. His soups take my broth away.
I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.
Why did the fisherman suddenly redirect his boat?
Just for the halibut.
You dropped something. My jaw.
I’ve never understood fog machines.
They mystify me to this day.
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
Never forget how beautiful the mountains are. You don't want to take them for granite.
“Morning is wonderful. Its only drawback is that it comes at such an inconvenient time of day.”
— Glen Cook
I was going to become a biologist. But all the endless coursework on hearts and lungs and kidneys and so on just made it seem like one long organ recital.
What do crows drink in order to stay awake? They drink cawfee.
You know what’s on the menu? ME-N-U
How did the witch feel about using her broom to do housework?
She bristled at the suggestion!
It’s so hot I saw two hydrants fight over a dog.
What do you call it when witches are optimistic about the future?
Witchful thinking.
Why are plants the best chefs?
They’re succulent.
There was a Young Lady of Wales,
Who caught a large fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook
She exclaimed, 'Only look!'
That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
A friend went in to his garden, dug a hole in the grass and filled it with water. I think he meant well.
Why do the propellers of a plane go around and around?
To keep the pilot cool because if they stopped, man would he sweat
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.
There is a Giant Screwdriver attacking the city. Please seek shelter immediately. This is not a drill.
What do you call fake oranges?
“Pulp Fiction”
"Lose an hour in the morning and you will spend all day looking for it." — Richard Whately
Thank you for teaching me about bargaining
It means a great deal.
Man: I can make your bed rock
Woman: No you can't I have a Tempurpedic.
Summer is here, so I’m moving all of my bad habits outside.
Why did the barber win the race?
He took a short cut!
Children with only a mother make horrible programmers
Theres always missing parent.
Have you ever tried crossing a lion with a flamingo? It will be pink, that’s the mane thing.
Mermaids can be quite mean. Salmon had to say it.
What do you call a reindeer ghost? A cari-boo!
It’s so cold we have to put skates on just to move around the house.
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
Saw a great offer on cheese in Tesco today!
It was buy one get one brie.
Some marine biologists argued about how best to handle angry dolphins.
The were working at cross porpoises.
What does a surprised pumpkin say?
OH MY GOURD!
My sister's trying to get famous. She'll never make it, she's just a wanna-pea.
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
Let’s shell-ebrate good times and tan lines.
How do you make a glow worm happy?
Cut off his tail, he’ll be de-lighted!
What do you call ten arctic hares hopping backward through the snow?
A receding hare line.
The amount of bad Covid-19 jokes being circulated is starting to reach alarming figures
Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic.
Where is the best place to get camel milk?
Straight from the Dromedairy.
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."