What do you call a happy penguin?
a Pen-Grin!
Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..
..then I realized he was aborted.
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She thought for a moment and said, "No peer pressure."
Tom threw Tim three thumbtacks.
What do you call it when a monster gets mad?
Ogre-reacting!
Do you want to be disappointed tonight?
I knew a guy in jail who would never knife a man in the back or when he was down
He was the very model of shivalry.
In the medieval ages, chess was a very popular game among Kings and Queens. This was because they had castles in it!
I’ve just read that according to statistics, donkeys kill more people every year than sharks.
I better watch my ass.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
You remind me of milk - cuz you're doin' my body good.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
Why don’t fish play basketball?
Because they're afraid of the net.
“Weeds are nature’s graffiti.”
— Janice Maeditere
A guy ate only metal bars for thanksgiving
He was gratefull
What do you call a maternal Turkish robot water weasel?
An Ottoman otter-mom automaton.
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long?
A pi-thon.
Do you work for NASA? Because you're out of this world.
What did Shakespeare say when he was angry with his Dalmatian?
Out, out, damned spot.
“I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.”
― Unknown
You must be phylum because you seem to be above class.
What did the Golden Retriever say to the beautiful poodle?
You’re looking very fetching.
We are mint to be.
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cab driver.
Zach Galifianakis
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
What kind of dishes do skeletons serve tea on?
Bone china.
Cherries go all out when they go to festivals. You’ll probably see loads of them, running around in pie-dyed shirts.
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
What spread do astronauts use on their toast?
. . . Space jam
The best armor for sneaking is leather armor.
Because it's made of hide.
You are the reason Santa even has a naughty list.
Do you know what rhymes with cucumber?
Can I get your phone number?
You must be copper and terillium because you are Cu-Te
Wanna dance? I can really put your inertia in motion.
If you see a wasp, don't kill it. Let it bee.
What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth?
"I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond."
What do you call an eye specialist with a short shirt?
A crop-toptometrist
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!
Why do dwarves live in mountains?
They dig it.
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Bob Hope
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
What do you call a waffle laying on a beach?
Sandy eggo.
If you eat too many cherries, you can sometimes end up with digestive issues. It really is the pits.
A goal new ball game I he a kick outta you
Are you Charlotte Brönte? Because you're a breath of fresh Eyre.
Q: Why did the pea sell his car?
A: The back seat didn’t have enough legume.
When I go to donate blood I expect a cup of tea, a biscuit and a polite word of thanks...
...not a whole lot of screaming, my bucket confiscated, and a cop asking me questions.
What is a nerdy alligator’s favorite programming language?
Jaw-va.
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
Dave Barry