It's getting warmer and the snow is melting. Time for me to melt your heart.
What type of cat will keep your garden looking nice and tidy? A lawn meower.
“Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the “gotta have it” scale." ~Zig Ziglar
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
Hey there cyclist, do you need to use my pump?
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
What do you call a musical lime?
John Lemon.
Writers have great climaxes.
What did the aged cheddar say when his mom told him he couldn’t see a movie that was rated R?
“I’m mature for my age.”
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
A friend of mine told me he’d give me a radio that had no batteries. I think it’s a wind-up.
What kind of money does deer use?
“Bucks!”
Who’s an apple’s favorite relative?
Granny.
Many people believe liquid soap is more hygienic than soap bars.
Don't listen to them, it is only a slippery soap argument.
“Monday: One of those days when even when your coffee needs a coffee.”
Did you hear about the emperor penguin?
He had a freezing reign!
We have a great connection since you’re wifi-material.
I’d like to tell you folks a joke about paper, but It’s tearable.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus
What do you call a magician that lost his magic?
Ian.
Since i have COVID people tell me i enjoy bad music and movies
Guess i have become tasteless.
Why is a robot engineer never lonely? Because he’s always making new friends.
What job did Dracula’s son have on his little league team?
Bat boy!
“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’”
– Robin Williams
Bananas, for breakfast, are such an a-peeling choice.
Are you an exoplanet? Because I’m bad at astronomy and pick up lines.
What does an onion say when you are upset because of it one day? It says, "I am sorry that I made you cry!"
“That’s not how Aquarians operate. They don’t do things steadily, they are running about one day then comatose the next.”
— Mary English
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
What do you call a dentist who doesn't like tea? Denis.
What kind of pizza do you order on Christmas?
Cheeses Crust.
What do you call a bulletproof Irish man?
Rick O’Shay.
What do you call a funny snake?
Hissssssterical.
My dear, I’ve got some important news,
Please know it’s nothing bad,
But today I had to X-ray my head,
And your picture is all it had!
Who’s a llama’s favorite pop singer?
Llama Del Ray.
Why did the girl bring lipstick and eye shadow to school? She had a make-up exam!
I'm a little upset, folks. Last night I went to this new restaurant for dinner and I had to use the restroom. And there was a sign in there that said, "Employees Must Wash Hands."
And I could not find one employee who would wash my hands.
Babe, are you a virus? 'Cause, you're having an effect on my whole body.
What do you call an alert ant?
Vigil-ant.
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
Fall is coll-arding; it’s time to leave.
"Will you accept this rosé?"
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
They told me I was too old to hunt for Easter eggs, but the jokes on them!
I prefer mine poached.
“When asked about my hiking plan I answered “Let’s summit up”.”
"We are like a broken mirror. It is better to leave it broken than hurt yourself to fix it."
Green seemed to disappear from the rainbow it came back in full force, olive and kicking.
Twinkle twinkle little star.
You should know just what you are.
Once you know just what you are,
the mental hospital isn't that far