I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.

“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz

Are you a singularity? Not only are you attractive, but the closer I get to you, the faster time seems to slip by.

What's the difference between French fries and orange juice?
You can make orange juice out of orange, but not French fries out of French

Did you hear about the painter who works in jail? They say he had a brush with the law.

My father cooked us mushrooms. Later he asked "Having fun guys"?

When should astronauts retire?
When they start spacing out.

What happened when the orange broke out of prison?
All heck broke juice.

I’ve never seen stars as beautiful as your eyes.

Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult

I grew up in a really rough area. I would walk out of the house and other kids would leap out and sprinkle me with cream, cherries and shaved chocolate. Life was tough, growing up in the gateau.

"Grandma's On The Dancefloor"

Grandma's on the dancefloor
Shaking what she's got.
If it don't shake, it wobbles,
And boy, does it wobble a lot.

The old moves don't come easy
Even though she's got new hips.
She swings them almost freely now,
And you can barely hear them click.

Grandad's in the corner,
Sipping on his beer.
Will he shake his booty?
My Grandad - No fear!

Grandma means the world to him,
And he's her Mr. Right.
He's the one who'll walk her home,
The one she'll kiss goodnight.

My sister just got married,
And the party's in full sway.
She's hand in hand with Grandma
Twisting the night away.

Sister pulls Gran closer
To make sure that she's listening.
Then Grandma stops and shouts aloud
"We're going to have a Christening."

– Graham Craven

“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash

If you bake an oatmeal raisin cookie at a temperature of 666 degrees, what do you call it? Raisin hell!

Did you hear about the gorilla that was from Vietnam?
He was a viet kong.

Are you into science? Because I lab you so much!

What do you get when a dinosaur walks through the strawberry patch? Strawberry jam.

You look like the morning sun after a long night of darkness.

What’s an avocado’s favorite music?
Guac ‘n’ roll.

What do you call a South American girl who is always in a hurry? Urgent Tina

Looking for some hunka hunka burning love?

Where was the first donut cooked?
In Greece.

What is a witch's favorite ride at the fair?
A scary-go-round.

Learning how to collect trash wasn’t hard.
I just picked it up as I went along.

Nice dress. Can I talk you out of it?

The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore

Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
They’re always a little short.

How do you stop two blind men from fighting?
You yell, “look out, he's got a knife!"

We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.
Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.

"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski

I love walking my neighbor’s dog. It’s the leashed I can do.

I created a vaccine for apathy, but unfortunately no one seems interested.

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde

What do you call a gorilla with a million dollars?
A gorillanaire

I walked past Mozart's grave.
He was sitting up, shouting "Braaiinnss" and ripping up all his music.
I guess he's a decomposer now.

Dad: "Knock, knock!" Kid: "Who's there?"
Dad: Spell!

Kid: Spell who?

Dad: W... H... O...

Why are candles lit on top of birthday cakes?
It’s impossible to light them on the bottom

What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? She moved.

My daughter asked me if I could put her hair in a bun. I said...
“I could but I think the baker might object”.

What position did the young vampire bat play on the football team?
Quater-bat.

What happened when the knife went for a drive?
It took a sharp turn.

What’s a whale’s favorite James Bond movie?
A License To Krill.

Why did the banana fail his driving test? He kept peeling out.

If I buy you guacamole, will you sleep with me?
You must think I’m some kind of avocad-ho.

Why is green ice cream so serendipitous?
It was mint to be.

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin

I just found out that Mercedes is donating state-of-the-art street sweepers to some of the largest cities around the world to help fight littering.
They're calling it Mercedes-clenz.

What do you call a waffle laying on a beach?
Sandy eggo.

The cloud hailed from the sky kingdom.

What do you call two celebrities who get into a gun fight?
One is a shooting star, and the other is a falling star.