How does the Cheese Detective choose his clients?
On a queso by queso basis.
My friend accidentally got salt in his papercut.
Talk about adding insalt to injury.
Military submarines are a deep navy blue in color.
What is the only thing that can cure a sick do-nut?
An antidought!
Why did king Minos put Minotaur inside a labyrinth?
He wanted to amaze his wife.
What's a goblins favorite dinner?
Ghoulash.
What do you call a turtle who takes up photography?
A snapping turtle.
When the AC circuits in your home are hit by a DC lightning bolt..
It's a current affair.
Roberta ran rings around the Roman ruins.
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
Why did the ocean break up with the pond?
She thought he was too shallow.
Where do geologists like to relax? In a rocking chair Why are geologists good at stand up comedy? They know really dirty jokes.
Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
How do rabbits travel?
On hareplanes!
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
What do you call a owl dance party that only plays folk music?
A hootenanny.
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
What did one orange say to its friend telling a wild story?
“That’s un-peel-ievalbe!”
Heard a rumor of a giant butterfly in London. Probably just an urban moth.
What is the name of the country near Iraq that is made entirely of cheese? Curd-istan
How did the gambler know his hand would stink?
Because he was holding deuces.
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
Hey girl, are you a newspaper?
Because you get picked up by random guys on the bus.
Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
Why didn’t sin and tan go to the party?
Just cos.
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
It’s a good thing we’re bad at puzzles because there is no way we’re putting this shit back together.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Merry.
Merry who?
Merry Christmas!
“Swiss cheese differs from Camembert by better ventilation.”
― Unknown
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
How does the Easter Bunny stay fit?
Egg ercise.
What did one math book say to the other?
I’ve got so many problems.
Green is the most relaxed color in the rainbow, it's so jade back.
Doctor said I’m at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.
I took what he said with a grain of salt.
Did you hear about the limo driver who went 25 years without a customer? All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You’re taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you’re alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
A chemist plants a seed.
He takes good care of it every day. He waters it and fertilizes the soil around it. As it becomes a big and healthy tree, the chemist thinks to himself: What a good chemist-tree.
How do astronauts prepare for a birthday party
They planet.
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koala-fications
Talking at the local chocolate factory is frowned on. When I’m there, I need to wispa.
Why don't ghosts wear deodorant?
They like to keep it super natural.
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
It’s so hot I saw the Devil in Wal-Mart buying an air conditioner.
Why are worms so easy to get along with?
Because they are always down to Earth.
What did the waitress say to the customer who wanted free guacamole?
“You can kiss my Hass.“
Did you know that geologists are athletic? Yeah, I read it in Quartz illustrated.
Why’s it always hot after a football game?
All the fans left.
What did the skiier say when his standup act was going downhill fast?
There snow possible way these puns could be more painful.
Why did the cat invest in the stock market? He thought is was a good op-paw-tunity