We’re a perfect mash.
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
A magnetic strawberry is always red and points north.
If the pilgrims came on the Mayflower than what does the teacher come on? The scholar ships.
Why don't squirrels wear skinny jeans?
Because their nuts won't fit.
What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
If you have a parrot, it says a lot about you!
What is a lightyear?
The same as a regular year, but with less calories.
Why did the Platanus occidentalis have to go to the doctor more than the other trees? Because it was always sycamore.
Roses are red, violets are blue, how would you like it if I came home with you?
What kind of chips do you eat in the bath?
Shower cream and onion.
A teacher asks one of their pupils, "Can you describe Napoleon"s origin?"
The pupil replies, "Course I can." (Corsican)
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
What country do marathoners retire to?
Iran.
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus
“In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.” –Tony Montana (Al Pacino) Scarface
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
How do elephants bathe?
With their trunks on.
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
My mate had an accident and lost his ear. The doctors were able to graft on a new one made of pig skin.
His hearing is now quite fine, but every now and then he gets some crackling.
Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley
Your bible would look great on my nightstand.
What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
Why don't anarchists drink green tea?
Because it helps fight free radicals.
My dog wants to be a tradesman.
I think he wants to be a woof-er.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
Another cheese factory in France exploded...
I Camembert to hear this joke again!
What would a potato say to a peach? – “You have a nice pit!”
Two friends were hanging out. One asks the other: "Hey, do you know about the famous detective that can't do bowel movements?"
The other friend replies: "No sh** Sherlock, of course I do!"
What’s a deer’s go-to ice cream flavor?
Cookie-doe.
Sleigh my name, sleigh my name.
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
You dropped something. My jaw.
I like my girls like I like my Microsoft Word documents - Saved.
I once tried crossing a flamingo with a cement mixer. Sounds crazy, but I really wanted a good brick layer.
What did the boss say to his pizza during their meeting?
There’s mushroom for improvement.
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
“A man says a lot of things in summer he doesn’t mean in winter.” – Patricia Briggs
What do Krakens eat?
Fish and ships.
Who is king of all the mice?
Mouse Tse Tung!
Q: What do you call a scary berry?
A: A boo-berry.
To all the people that don't cover their mouths then they cough.
You make me sick.
What do cows get when they are sick? Hay Fever.
What animal has more lives than a cat? A frog … because he croaks every night!
the difference between a pizza and my pizza jokes?
My pizza jokes can’t be topped!