"You are adorable, mademoiselle. I study your feet with the microscope and your soul with the telescope."
― Victor Hugo, Les Misérables
A pessimistic pest exists amidst us.
I love you in the mornings.
You hold me tight and ask for five more minutes.
Then when it’s time to go, you don’t let go.
I start to stress and tell you to get dressed.
Dog socks,
Slippers,
Underwear,
Athletic shorts,
Polo shirt.
You are a sight to see.
But I love you most, in the mornings.
How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk?
Dirty looks from the mouse!
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture... But when I got home, the tables were turned
I have been trying to write a new pizza joke…
But I can’t work out the delivery.
Last night at dinner we had some fish,
and though I tried, I did not finish.
My mother told me while I chewed,
brains loved fish over all other food.
When should you go on a cheese diet? If you need to cheddar a few pounds
May I tie your shoe?
Because I can't have you fall for anyone else.
Changed my password to fortnight but apparently that's two week.
Mountains aren't just funny.
They're hill areas.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
I am happy that the arrangements for St Patrick's day are going great. The large bottles of green soda look pitcher-perfect.
Why did the bat walk in her pijamas to take a bath?
Because she did not have a bat robe.
When I look into the Mirror of Erised, I see you giving me your number.
What do you get if you cut off Mona Lisa's ears?
MONO LISA.
Why didn't the kids eat their soup? Because they're stew peed.
You must be the one for me… Since my selectively permeable membrane let you through.
When is a vegetable also a nut?
When it’s a corn!
“I meditate and do yoga. I sit cross-legged and try not to levitate too much.” – Jeremy Brett
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
What do rabbits put in their computers? Hoppy disks!
“A mistle-toast to the holiday season.”
The artist successfully climbed the highest peak in the country. He attributed his success to the song, 'Paint No Mountain Higher!'
Will you be the sun in my life? Then stay millions of miles away from me.
I think this has been said somewhere else.
Why do Pencils shave?
To look sharp.
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
I got a valentine from a pickle today...
It meant a great dill to me.
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
What is a cannibal’s favorite cheese?
Limb-burger.
My friend, who's a geneticist and a rapper crossed a gorilla with an orang utan
That's his new mixed ape.
"The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families."
— Jay McInerney
You're like the neighbors' WiFi. Everyone wants to use you.
Can I tie your shoes? I don’t want you falling for anyone else.
You must be copper because I could really CU ending up with me.
What trees do ghouls like best?
Ceme-trees!
I'm just like a dumpling. I have fillings for you.
What do you get with surprise peas?
Wet legs
What happened to the man that took the 5 o’clock train home? He had to give it back!
Roll over. I'll scratch your belly.
What kind of chocolate do ghouls like?
Hearse-sheys!
Why did the zombie bite off the comedian's hands?
His jokes were too funny to handle.
My counselor gave me a hug today
I guess I got shrinkwrapped
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
I'm investigating the tooth fairy, and it's going well...
I've managed to get a molar into her operation. I'm going to find out the tooth at the root of all this.
Do you like my cologne? It’s derived from the musk gland of the industrious beaver.
What did the grilled cheese say to the frying pan?
You make me melt.