Why is learning to ski in France so difficult?
'Cause sometimes they won't Alp you.
What is a ghoul's favorite soup?
Ghoul-ash.
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen
What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish? A crab apple !
What do you call a three-eyed tiger?
A tiiiger.
A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and sees people dressed like vikings
"Excuse me, ladies and gentleman. I am a well traveled man and the atmosphere of my excursions must be perfect. I must kindly ask you to leave."
A big, muscular man dressed in Viking armor walked up to the man and said
"Norway"
Why does James Bond Have grey hair?
Because there's no time to dye!
I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so I went to the store on my way to work.
It was a quick pit stop.
“I Thought He Was Going to Kill Me”: One Woman’s Harrowing Misunderstanding of How Haircuts Work
How did the pines and firs end their war? With a tree-ty.
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
A woman who gave birth in a tree was sent to jail
She was charged with treeson
Federer is such a legend that they named the Roger’s Cup, and Fed Cup after him.
Every single person on my flight was reading at the same time.
The plane was fully booked.
Summer is my favorite sea-sun of the year.
Shave a single shingle thin.
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
What do you call a skull without 86 billion neurons?
A no brainer.
What did the gladiator say when he was surrounded by nearly 100 men?
IC
What do you call a Greek love song?
An Aphro-ditty.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
Are you a big fan of beef? I am. In fact, I could eat it until the cows come home.
What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married?
Feyonce.
What is a witch's favorite makeup?
A ma-scare-a.
What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.
What belongs to you but others use more? Your name
There was a stampede out on the dairy farm. It was udder chaos.
On one bright Sunday morning, one long lost wolf finally met his longtime classmate. “So, Howl’s it goin’!”
What do the Scottish cars wear as hats?
Flat-caps.
After being stuck in the ice storm all day long, the man said, "I am starving. Can I avalanche?"
What's the difference between marriage and a Journey song? A Journey song has a climax.
I farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels.
What do potatoes become when they smoke weed?
Baked potatoes.
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
I know my math. And you’ve got one significant figure!
How do you stop an Internet troll?
Seize their memes of production.
Why did the horse go to jail?
The prosecutors failed to show the burden of hoof.
Wanna know what I said when I got hit by a water gun?
H2Oww
Deja moo:
That feeling you've heard this bull before.
If it was 1984, and I was Big Brother, I'd only watch you.
I told my parents I wanted to raise goats for a living, but I was only kidding.
Big black bugs bleed blue black blood but baby black bugs bleed blue blood.
"Whenever I See"
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coroner’s office. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth.
. Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said,
“Nobody puts baby in a coroner.”
“I chose the road less traveled and now I don’t know where I am.”
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up, it’s cold out here!
Can’t Lucy how perfect a date with me could be?
What happens when you cross a cell phone with a skunk?
You get stinky service!