What does a baby vampire say before going to bed?
- Turn on the dark, I’m scared of the light.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Greece!
Greece who?
Are Greece and oil the same thing?
"You know, it's dangerous for you to be here in the frozen foods section—because you could melt all this stuff."
- Steve Martin, My Blue Heaven (1990)
What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.
Let’s commit the perfect crime together.
I’ll steal your heart and you can steal mine.
Looking for a boyfriend in engineering: the odds are good, but the goods are odd.
Who were the first cheese lovers ever?
Edam and Eve.
What do you call it when it rains ducks and geese?
Fowl weather.
Your beauty warms and lights up these frozen surroundings.
What kind of cheese to beavers eat?
Edam.
What’s the capital of France?
The F.
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
I could have been an astronaut...
but my parents told me the sky was the limit.
What do you call a worm that chews up power cords? An electro-maggot.”
Too bad, if only I’d gnome!
“If you’re lucky this Christmas, Santa Claus will grace you with his presents.”
Are you as spicy as your artisan hot sauce?
Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.
Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"
What do you think walking on the moon is like?
Not very impactful.
Why wouldn’t the Moon come to the Sun’s funeral?
It isn’t a mourning person
Hey, you can r’Eli on me to be a fun date
This time last year I was working as a computer programmer, installing auto correct. But out of nowhere..
.. I was fried for no raisin.
What is a baker’s favorite type of icing?
Fawn-dant.
What does an owl need after having a bath?
A t-owl.
Where does a killer whale go for braces?
The orca-dontist.
If you pull the pin out of a grenade, is it possible to put it back in it so it won't explode?
I kinda need a quick response...
What do computers do on a beach vacation?
Surf the net.
What's the difference between and Buffalo and a Bison?
You can't wash your face in a Buffalo.
Where do you take a sick pony?
To the horse-pital.
What did the brain say after it got an electrical shock?
"This was a stimulating experience."
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
What is a neuron's favorite television channel?
The Ion Channel
Did you overstay your visa? Because you got 'fine' written all over you
What do you get when you cross a ghost with a chicken?
A poultry-geist.
My Dad always told me to stand on a bottle of shampoo at job interviews...
That way I'd be 'head & shoulders' above the competition.
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
Lettuce stop these governmental leeks.
Emphysema puffs pink, chronic bronchitis makes you blue, but no COPD makes me as breathless as you!
Someone who eats bananas must like them a whole bunch.
I caught my sister click and post a picture of the soupy noodles yesterday. She was actively instagramen.
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,--
No one heard such a scream
As was screamed by that Lady from Russia.
The best punishment to give orange kids is getting them canned. This is the only way to prevent them from going bad.
Are you religious?
Because you're the answer to all my prayers.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
What has a head but no body, a heart but no blood, leaves but no branches and grows without wood?
Lettuce
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinselitis!
What do you call Santa when he accidentally falls into the fireplace? Krisp Kringle.
As long as your dog sticks by your side.
Anything is paw-sible.