I'm sorry did you say you drove the ski-doo, what's your ring size?
How do Penguins drink their cola?
On the rocks.
Why is the ocean so salty?
Because the land never waves back.
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
Have you found the center of gravity yet? It’s the letter v.
What kind of cheese do alcoholics eat?
Livarot.
What do you call a sloth that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?
I heard he was diploid.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Jamaican.
Jamaican who?
Jamaican me horny.
My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
A friend of mine was taking a bath when he realised he wasn’t a very good burglar.
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
You can stand under my umbrella.
Why do trolls live under bridges?
To troll goats!
Where are werewolf movies made?
Howl-lywood.
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
I'd start a revolution for your number.
If a lamb and tiger were crossed, you would end up with a striped sweater.
Lost at sea? I'm not shore.
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
I'm not gay but I'll learn.
Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an "F" in se*.
Interesting fact: A nectarine can also be a peach if it does not have peach fuzz.
A student had a heart attack when she saw the grade on her exam
She passed.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
Are you an exoplanet? Because I’m bad at astronomy and pick up lines.
What Kind of Books do Rabbits Read? Ones with Hoppy Endings.
You wanna know who makes my life complete? Read the first word in this sentence.
Ooh, you look boo-tilicious!
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
Once you've seen one Lion eat a Giraffe...
You've seen a maul!
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
Happy St. Cat-rick’s day!
How many birds does it take to change a light bulb?
Normally three, but Toucan.
"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley
I just watched someone try to steal a pumpkin from a bull.
He got gourd.
I wasn’t sure if I ordered enough tacos from Taco Bell.
So I got a just in quesadilla.
Why can’t a legless skeleton win an argument?
They don’t have a leg to stand on.
Did you know knights are known for wearing dishware?
Thats why they call it plate armor.
“Half the modern could drugs well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them.”
Unknown
"Everyone should believe in something. I believe I should be on the beach drinking Margaritas."
My mother's sister can carry 50 times her own weight
She's my aunt
If I was a planet and you, my moon! I’d stop spinning just by looking at you.
Ghosts drop off their babies at the day-scare centre when they go to work.
What are the cat police called? The claw Enforcement.
What Do Ducks Have With Soup?
Quackers
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
Q: What is a cloud's favorite reptile?
A: A blizzard.