How many consultants do you need to change a light bulb?
You’ll get an estimate a week from Monday.
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
What do you call it when a prisoner takes his own mug shot? A cellfie.
Are you a pulmonary embolism? Because you take my breath away.
Where did the hamsters invade the beaver colony? Hamsterdam.
Call me Joshua, because I'm going to break down your walls.
What do you call a parrot that won’t eat?
A Polly-no-meal.
It’s so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.
I want you more then an ice-cream on a hot summer day.
Heaven called, they're missing an Angel.
"I give myself sometimes admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it."
― Mary Wortley Montagu
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, want me to jump off this chairlift for you? 'Cause I think I could fall for you.
The onion husband and wife had a fight, and she told him that he shouldn't have exposed all his layers because it was making her cry.
Being a soprano is a great opera tunity.
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
I found my son sleeping in a pile of peas. May he rest in peas.
Why will you not want to give a bath to the Saturn? It would then leave a ring around the tub.
I'm pretty sure I was blind before I met you.
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
My wife and I got married under a cell phone tower.
The ceremony wasn't great, but the reception was perfect.
Honey, if you were a space station, you’d be called Deep Space Fine.
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
What’s ET short for?
So he can fit in the spaceship!
What did one python say to the other before they made a deal?
Let’s “snake” on it.
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
How come there are no automatic cars in Spain?
They’re all Manuel.
Your sweater must be made out of wife material.
Did you ever notice that supermarket music is actually ideal for slow dancing with strangers?
Why are Ghosts so lonely? They have nobody to lean on.
I’ve never understood fog machines.
They mystify me to this day.
Where do cows write down their most intimate thoughts? Inside of their dairy.
In Spain, you should not develop a program beyond 2.0.
Because that would be over dos.
I’ve always loved the name Alexandra. Should I call you Alexandra, Alex, Lexie, or mine?
The reason you will see all the cows lie down when it starts to rain is because they want to keep each
udder dry.
“I love when candy canes are in mint condition.”
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
Ruby, or not Ruby…that may be one question, but mine is actually will you go out with me?
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
Where will you find an FBI sketch artist? In the bureau drawer.
What is the difference between a wet day and a lion with a toothache? A wet day is pouring with rain, the other is roaring with pain.
What did the Golden Retriever say to the beautiful poodle?
You’re looking very fetching.
You must have a C3 convertase inhibitor because you’re impossible to complement. You’re already perfect.
I finally found out why flamingos sleep with one leg up! If they had both legs up they would fall over.
Hey girl, are you looking for your knight in shining armor?
Well I just happen to be wearing the full armor of God.
Are you undressing me with your eyes?!
Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Humphrey Boa-gart.
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
“An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” — Niels Bohr
If your dog was a neurologist, what would it do all day?
Perform PET scans.
What song does a painter sing when he is in truly dire straits? Monet for Nothing.