You remind me of a diamond necklace because you sure sparkle and shine bright.
Are you from pennsylvania cause I want to stick my pen in your sylvania.
Are you a camera? Because every time I look at you, I smile.
Scientists have genetically modified a Venus Fly Trap to have the skin of a cactus
They say its bark is worse than its bite.
Did you know there’s an app for corn growers?
It’s made in Sili-corn Valley!
What kind of hair explodes?
Bangs.
Another term for hair that's tied up in a bun is
a hairball
What happened to the football team that practiced in a corn field?
They got creamed!
Why Did the Whale Cross the Ocean?
To get to the other tide.
Why did the skeleton go to the daycare?
To get his Kidneys.
A cup of coffee is the ideal start to a brew-tiful morning!
Did I tell you about my new girlfriend who also plays football?
Yeah.. she‘s a keeper
Any noise annoys an oyster but a noisy noise annoys an oyster more.
Where do zombies go for beach holidays?
The Dead Sea.
Not everyone looks good with a wig
But I think you could really pull it off.
Which sea creatures cry the most?
Whales!
What's the best advice to give to a young baseball player?
If you don't suceed at first, try second base.
While walking down the plains of the river, I lost my footing and got hit on my head. Now my head is swimming.
You can donate blood to me anytime since you’re just my type.
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends — but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership.”
If a crocodile never admits he is wrong, he must be in de-nile..
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to open the door.
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
What do you call an avocado after a priest blesses it?
Holy guacamole.
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
I bet your muffled screams are as cute as u.
Why did the chicken cross the busy road?
It was feeling clucky.
What happened to the skier who was injured the the top of the peak?
It's been all downhill from there.
Why didn’t the baby leave his momma?
Because he couldn’t bear it!
Hey, if you can’t take the heat, get out of your clothes.
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
Were you arrested today? It must be illegal to look so beautiful.
Onions are great at being psychologists as they let people cry their hearts out in front of them.
Have you heard about the new band located in the north east of england?
They're called Durham Durham.
What does a pirate pay for his corn?
A buccaneer!
Where did Santa's little helpers go to high school?
They didn't, they were gnome-schooled.
Sometimes planes go in for maintenance when they have cracks in their bodywork, we call them air-line fractures.
Don't you dare hit that drum again!
If you do, there will be repercussions!
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
What is a cannibal’s favorite cheese?
Limb-burger.
What do you call a Sith Lord who likes to go fishing? Darth Wader.
Why didnt the moon go outside?
Because it was waning.
You have one compact set.
Can I take your temperature? You're looking hot today.
What do you call a dinosaur that got stuck in the rain?
A driplodocus.
Why was the man holding a bottle of ketchup? Because it was raining cats and hot dogs.
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
Did you hear about the new Smashing Pumpkins cover band?
They call themselves Squished Squash!
The reason lakes are bigger than rivers is because one has running water whereas the other water is merely standing.