I knew a guy who gave away his art but he only seemed to paint ducks with incomplete faces.
I asked about it once and he said "I like to bill them later."
Have you ever been fishing in Lake Michigan? 'Cause we should hook up sometime.
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
I had no clue how much lettuce to buy, so I called my wife from the grocery store.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
Did you hear about the crab who went to a seafood disco?
He pulled a mussel.
Are you Siri? As a result of your autocomplete feature
Are you a trampoline? Because I want to bounce on you.
Who was the most infamous terrorist in llama history?
Osama Bin Llama.
“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson
Why didn't the mexican archer fire his bow?
Because he didn't habanero.
Where does a turtle go when it's raining?
A shell-ter.
"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."
- Doug Larson
Why was Van Helsing so dedicated to killing Count Dracula?
Because he staked his whole reputation on it!
Summer is my favorite sea-sun of the year.
Wanna see my norwegian wood?
Wanna know what I said when I got hit by a water gun?
H2Oww
What activity should you do when you’re babysitting little cheeses?
Build a roquefort.
Why can't Vikings fans eat cereal? Because they choke before they ever reach the bowl.
A weeping camel is known as a humpback wail.
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
My husband won't let the kids take toys with them when they go potty, but I do.
It is a toy-let, after all.
Any noise annoys an oyster but a noisy noise annoys an oyster more.
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx
Choreographers are always hard to get in touch with because they are always blocking you.
"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers
Sorry, but you owe me a drink. Why? Because when I looked at you, I dropped mine.
A 9 hour time difference wouldn't keep me from you.
What do you call seasoned and dried robot meat?
Beep chirpy
What do you call fifty penguins at the North Pole?
Really lost. (Penguins live in the Southern Hemisphere)!
If I told you you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Q: What do you call an angry pea?
A: Grum-pea!
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper!
Got out of the shower, went downstairs and opened the door in my towel.
I know it’s a funny place to have a door, but there you have it.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot? A carrot!
How do you get more bounce in a water bed?
Put some spring water in it
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.
I thought about making a new condiment that was a mixture of Ketchup and Mustard.
But then I decided the name KetchTard would be pretty MustUp.
What do you call a baker with a cold?
Coughee cake.
Why was the orange feeling sad?
It lost its zest for life.
What did one cactus say to the other cactus ?
"Lookin sharp !"
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
A drummer got a tattoo of a drum kit on himself
It was very cymbalic.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up, it’s cold out here!
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
It's so cold that when cows are milked, ice cream comes out.
I got this new chapstick today...
It's the balm!
What do you call two octopuses that look alike?
I-tentacle twins!
Why did the wine connoisseur insist on drinking from an old tire?
He heard it was a Goodyear!
Changed my password to fortnight but apparently that's two week.