Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
All my neighbours bought the same set of stereos...
When will they stop stereotyping?
You read, white, and blew my mind.
I was asked who my favorite vampire was. I said it was the Muppet from Sesame Street.
They said, he doesn't count!
I replied, "I can assure you, he does!"
What do you call a nervous baby ant?
A little antsy.
Why are we only concerned about snowmen not snowwomen?
Because only men are stupid enough to stand out in the snow without a coat.
What do penguins drink during the summer?
Iced tea.
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
What's an inmates favorite fishing equipment? Jail bait.
What do mermaids wash their fins with?
Tide.
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie or Friday with no two pizzas.” —Joey Tribbiani, Friends
What do you call a glass of alcoholic pig’s blood? Swine.
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
Why don’t cars enjoy long drives?
They find them a drag.
Do you believe in love at first set? Or should I curl this barbell another 10 times?
What do you call spooky mascara
Mascarea.
It’s so hot my thermometer goes up to “Are you kidding me?”
My wife chose a new dining table with a metal frame instead of a wooden one
I complimented her on picking an unteak.
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
What’s a pig’s favorite holiday? Ar-boar Day.
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
I heard milk does the body good, but man, how much have you been drinking?
Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?
He was Bjorn again.
What is a walnut’s favorite Christmas play? The Nutcracker.
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
“I thought I’d become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.”
― Chelsea Handler
I think we need to become better strangers.
What do you call a happy penguin?
A penGRIN.
Where do dolphin races end?
Dolphinish line!
Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?
They always honor the changing of the Gourd.
Which side of a duck has the most feathers?
The outside.
I tried looking up ice cream puns on the Internet...
But then my browser froze.
I like you so much that I’ll give you my real number. Not the fake ones I give to all the other guys.
What do you do if a rabbit keeps pooping in your yard? Take him to a pellet court.
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who never could get any rest;
So they set him to spin
On his nose and chin,
Which cured that Old Man of the West.
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept all of his cash in a bucket,
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!
If a crab worked in a pizza parlor, which station would it work?
The crust station.
A knife tried out for Varsity football.
It didn't make the cut.
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
What will you do when you will see a spaceman? You will simply park your car, man!
If you drop your white shirt in the Red Sea, what will it become?
Wet
What advice would you hear from a zombie?
- Never put your eggs into one casket.