Ants in your plants.

We caught the drummer of our band masturbating over his drum kit...
I guess the pervert thinks of them as s*x cymbals.

Here’s the game plan: [party details]
With salsa, cheese dip, and guac, our bowl game is hot.

Are you a phone? Because I want to hold you in my hands all day and ignore the rest of the world while I stare at you alone in my bedroom.

Did you know dried fruits favorite news segments is...
Current events.

My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!

Q. Where do Midwest does prefer to give birth?
A. Deerborn, Michigan.

What are the best sandwiches to serve at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Paddy melts!

Why did the balloon burst? Because is saw a lolly pop.

During the blizzard, the jalapeno said, I'm a little chilli.

What part of the body do you only see during Christmas? mistletoe.

My friend is trying to persuade me to invest in his knife making business.
He made some excellent points.

What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.

A man went to buy long underwear cause the weather was getting cold. The cashier asked " How long would you like them"
"From march to September", said the man.

Dad Bee left. Mama Bee calls out ...
Honeycomb home!

You had me at ruff.

We can share my yoga mat so we can become one.

What did the pitcher tell the bat? Batter-up.

Diving into shallow water could lead to jumping to wrong conclusions.

I work in security, and i want to get a pumpkin for my desk
It shall be a security gourd.

"Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod"

Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod
was known for eating all things odd.
The thing that bothered me the most
has he spread toothpaste on his toast?

“It’s springtime fresh, so cool and minty.”
His smiling eyes were bright and squinty.
On baked potatoes, he would slather
one half can of shave cream lather.

I don’t know how his tum could cope
as he ingested cubes of soap.
At times his food choice made a scene;
at least he kept his innards clean.

– Denise Rodgers

I squeezed the innards of a pumpkin into a glass, and the result was just beautiful
In fact, it was gourdjuice.

“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”
Theodore Roosevelt

An ancient Greek walks into his tailor’s shop with a pair of torn pants.
‘’Euripides’’ says the tailor. ‘’Yeah, Eumenides?’’ replies the man.

Why did the chicken go to the zoo?
To get to the otter slide.

"You might not carrot all, but you're irresistible."

What did the zombie carrot say to the lettuce?
- Give me your heads!!

Why are plants the best chefs?
They’re succulent.

What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
IT’S A LIEEEEE!!

Hey, so how do you spell your name?
OK, and how do you spell your number?

What do you call a person that chops up cereal. a cereal killer.

What kind tree grows chickens?
Poultry.

Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.

The best place on earth to shop for soccer kits is New Jersey.

My skate blade is not the only thing made of steel.

What type of weapon does a vegetable knight use?
A-spear-iguess

What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.

How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.

It's so hot that all the water buffalo at the zoo evaporated.

Where do you bury dead people? Asymmetry

Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.

Which ancient Greek Philosopher had a foot fetish?
Play-toe.
Or was it Sock-rates?

My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...
But it was a pack of lyes.

What do you call a happy penguin?
A penGRIN.

Where does a cat keep its coins? In its purr-se.

Why was the pig crying? Because he was boar-ed to tears.

All punts are highly intended

You have to act quickly during a flood because it's an emergent sea.

How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.

My keyboard is missing a key. I lost ctrl.