What do elves use in the kitchen when they are cooking?
Kitchen u-tinsels!
What did the sink say to the water faucet?
You’re a real drip.
Why do Ghosts make such good company? They are full of spirit.
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin;
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
It’s allergy season again?! You’ve got to be pollen my leg.
What do you get when you cross ants with ticks?
All sorts of antics.
What’s the freshest herb you can find in April?
Spring-thyme!
I felt so guilty after I stepped on a snail this morning. You should of seen him, he looked genuinely crushed.
What did the fish say when it swam into a brick wall?
Dam!
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
I went fishing in the ocean the other day and caught one fish
but I think it was just a fluke.
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
Polish Proverb
If you think chewbaccas hairy just wait till you see my wookie.
"I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel."
- Fran Lebowitz
What was the skeleton’s favorite Christmas candy?
Bone-bone.
Never talk to me about fashion
It just goes in one year and out the other
Why did the fox cross the road?
She was chasing the chicken.
What do you call a Koala that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
“Millionaires don't use Astrology, billionaires do.”
― J.P. Morgan
Please, please me
Why are obtuse angles so depressed?
Because they’re never right.
Why did the sapling go to the doctor’s office? He was feeling a little green.
Remind me not to get into another pillow fight... the risk for a concushion is too big.
God was just showing off when he made you.
What month always asks questions and permission?
May!
It’s so hot Adam and Eve traded their fig leaves for ice cubes.
What do you call a punctual citrus fruit?
A Clockwork Orange.
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
It feels great to hit the ball again. It spin a long time.
What do you call a skeleton with a mask and a knife? A heartless killer.
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
What do you call a nice tree that does not have any teeth? Sweetgums.
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
“When life gives you mountains, put those boots and start hiking.”
Watched a TV show about how they build ships.
It was riveting.
Hey, remember back when we were a thing… Yeah… Good times.
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
What do you call a pig that drives around recklessly?
A road hog.
A tutor who tooted the flute tried to teach two young tooters to toot. Said the two to the tutor, ‘Is it harder to toot, or to tutor two tooters to toot?
What is good at maths and related to a crocodile?
A calcu-gator
Hey sugar-buns, do you play Center? Wanna be the center of my attention?
Did you hear what happened when the decorator painted his wife with cheese? He double Gloucester!
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
What mouse was a Roman emperor?
Julius Cheeser!
Can I borrow your cell phone? I need to phone heaven and tell God I found the missing angel!
his morning my son said his ear hurt and I asked : on the inside or outside?
So he walks out the front door, comes back in and says "Both."
What did the father buffalo say to his kid when he left for college?
Bi son!
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.