What do you call a fruit that doesn't take s**t from anyone? The top banana.

Why did the pineapple suddenly stop the car in the middle of the highway? Because it just ran out of juice.

What do polite whales always say?
You’re whale-come.

Emo bunnies just do not carrot all.

Where do rocks like to sleep? In bedrocks!

"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry

Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.

If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line
They would all be a lot more comfortable.

Why can’t you breed a eel with and eagle?
It’s Eeleagle.

We had made everything for the party and the groom came in, did a quick assessment and didn’t seem amused. “Orange you glad we did this?” we asked him.

If you can think of a better fish pun, let minnow.

o my friend Justin was late for the football game.
But that’s okay because he arrived Justin time for kickoff.

The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.

It’s a good thing we’re bad at puzzles because there is no way we’re putting this shit back together.

Why is it a bad idea to pick a fight with a real estate agent?
They can flip houses whenever they want!

That crazy little sun of a beach.

I gave my wife that new gorilla glue chapstick...🦍💄
It left her speechless

I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.

Does your left eye hurt? Because you’ve been looking right all day.

Did you hear about the new Smashing Pumpkins cover band?
They call themselves Squished Squash!

Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey - because it is always stuffed!

Somebody stole all my lamps… I couldn’t be more de-lighted!

You know what’s odd?
Every other number.

What did the pony say to the Jedi Knight before she left on her adventure?
“May the horse be with you.”

What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio.

What if someone made raisins with juice in them
That would be grape.

"When future archaeologists dig up the remains of California, they're going to find all of those gyms, their scary-looking gym equipment, and they're going to assume that we were a culture obsessed with torture."

- Douglas Coupland

Why did the mouse stay inside? Because it was raining cats and dogs.

An astronaut who normally fails on a weightlessness experiment, might surely be aware of the gravity of the situation.

What do you call a skeleton who goes out in the snow?
A numb-skull.

“Unfortunately, I did not become a millionaire over the weekend, so I have to return to work on Monday.”

“Thanksgiving: Bringing out the best in family dysfunction since 1863.” -Unknown

Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.

Never has there been a more romantic story than how those two geologists met.
It was lava at first sight.

How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

Tis the sea-sun.

Why did the pumpkin cross the road? It fell off the wagon!

As a baseball player, I know my way around the bases.

“Never face facts; if you do you’ll never get up in the morning.”
— Marlo Thomas

Knock knock. Who's there?
You're.
You're who?
You're single again.

Why did the dinosaur cross the road ? The chicken hadn't evolved yet!

You're old enough to know, my son,
It's really awfully rude
If someone speaks when both his cheeks
Are jammed and crammed with food.
Your mother asked you how you liked
the onions in the stew.
You stuffed your mouth with raisin bread
And mumbled, "Vewee goo."

Then when she asked you what you said,
You took a drink of milk,
And all that we could understand
Was, "Uggle gluggle skwilk."

And now you're asking me if you
Can have more lemon Jell-O.
Please listen carefully, "Yes, ifoo
Arstilla ungwy fello."

(Martin Gardner)

“I really need a day in-between Sunday and Monday.”

Do you squat here often?

In life, the rule of thumb is, don’t bite more than you can chew unless it is chocolate.

What would you hear at a cow concert?
Moo-sic.

What sound does a bouncy plane make?
Boeing.

Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.

You must be a Magnetar because I feel a strong magnetism between us.

A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.