Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Roach.
Roach who?
Roach you a letter, did you get it?

What did summer say to spring?
Help – I’m about to fall!

“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard

My son was injected with poisoned blood from a person from Finland
He said "I am finnished."

Crows go to get their shopping at Cawst Co.

What happened when the kid got confused with beavers and coypus in the exam? He said, " I otter know better."

"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West

What do your call a dinosaur with one eye? Eye-saur.

What is a witch's favorite ride at the fair?
A scary-go-round.

What did the cloud say to the rainbow? Thank you for adding color to my day.

“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”

- Mary Karr

What did the baby mosquito say after his first flight?
“Mama, mama! Did you see that? Everyone was clapping for me!”

What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?
You get as far away as possible.

I honestly cannot deal with puns.
But I can with a deck of cards.

The river fish went to the library and asked if he can get a book. The librarian said: "You can start by-rowing it."

“Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way."
~ Homer Simpson

“Today’s good mood is sponsored by yoga.” – Unknown

Why do oranges wear suntan lotion? They peel in the sun.

A day with you is like an eternity of behind-the-ear scratches.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.

This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.

But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.

Sorry, But You Owe Me A Drink. Well, When I Saw You, I Dropped Mine.

A man struggled to cut up his dinner. His wife asked, “what’s wrong, hunny?” The man sighed, and said:
“This knife just isn’t gonna cut it.”

Why did one pineapple invite another to their party? Because they were real piner-pals.

How did the shark plead in its murder trial?
Not gill-ty.

Why can't you take a turkey to church? They use FOWL language.

How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.

A never-ending natural supply of beer?
Hops springs eternal.

Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.

Hey baby, are you a shrink? 'Cause I went nuts when you walked by.

What do koalas do when they see social injustice happening in the world? They fight for ekoalaty!

What card game do crocodiles like playing?
Snap!

You’re so beautiful you make me want to bloom.

Seeing that you're new here, let me show you where the water fountain is...the next drink's on me.

Today I be-leaf in leprechauns

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Jester
Jester who?
Jester silly old man!

Today, my arm got pinned between my wife's chest and the chair.
It was booby trapped.

What do you call a wet teddy bear?
A drizzly bear.

Why do the blondes prefer to have se* instead of bowling?
The balls are lighter, and you don't have to change shoes.

What do you call a hat for the brain?
A thinking cap.

A wonderful bird is the pelican,
His bill will hold more than his belican,
He can take in his beak
Enough food for a week
But I'm damned if I see how the helican!

Some people think anyone who sells meat is gross. But, people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.

Why did the Ghosts win the soccer match? They scored more Ghouls.

People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.

A balding magician had an act where he'd put a rabbit on his head and make it disappear...
The hare vanished into thin hair.

The scarecrow won an award because it had been excellent in its field.

Did you hear what happened to the cheese after its breakup?
It got provolonely.

What is ice cream’s favorite TV show?
Game of Cones.

What do you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine?
A slow poke.

Where do the mushroom family keep their umbrellas, coats and shoes? In their porch-ini!

How many zen masters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to change it, and one not to change it.