Why don’t tigers like fast food?
Because they can’t catch it!
Did you hear about that new broom? It's sweeping the nation!
The judge sentenced the basketball player to life imprisonment because he shot the ball.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
Broken pencils are pointless.
When I first saw you I looked for a signature, because every masterpiece has one.
I've been thinking of U periodically.
Did Texas survive last week's winter storms?
Burrrrrrrrrrrrrrly.
And the collective nouns go: a murder of crows, a herd of cows, a migraine of children.
What competition do nuts participate in?
The peanut butter cup.
Could you tell me the oxidation state of this atom and your phone number?
I asked my friend for a tube of toothpaste. He gave me the smallest tube I’ve ever seen.
Next time, I’ll ask for teethpaste.
What is a lightyear?
The same as a regular year, but with less calories.
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
Do you play hockey? 'Cause I wouldn't mind poke-checking you.
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
Wanna exchange genetic information with me?
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
Gobbling gargoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.
"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe
What do ducks watch on TV?
Duck-umentaries.
Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other!”
What do politicans need to drink? Honest-Tea.
What do you call a sarcastic mermaid?
A sigh-ren.
My keyboard fell apart today.
I feel like I'm losing Ctrl of everything.
Three tomatoes are walkin' down the street.
Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato.
Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa Tomato gets really angry.
Goes back and squishes him and says: "Ketchup."
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
What did the rock say to the word processor?
Boulder.
"I always say “Morning” instead of “Good Morning”. If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people."
– Unknown
What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time? “Choo choo!”
What is the similarity between a superhero and an onion? They both have layers.
What kind of alcohol do flowers drink?
Rosé.
What do you call a pianist who throws trash everywhere?
Litterachi.
Why do trees always walk so slowly? All they can do is lumber around.
"You call it a pandemonium. We call it a family vacation."
What color are military submarines?
Deep navy
My wife got mad at me for playing catch with my son in the backyard
... I didn’t see the big deal until I dropped him.
Sorry, I had a pick up line for you but I got so distracted by your beauty.
What is in the middle of dinosaurs ? The letter "s"!
What kind of birthday cake do they serve in heaven?
Angel food cake.
What jumps up and down in front of a car?
Froglights.
“A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.”—Orlando Aloysius Battista
Why did the guitarist get fired as a carpenter?
He was shredding the floor.
I was just reading an article called "10 most scenic runs"... the third one was with you!
Wind turbine mechanics and engineers are very fond of the blew color!
When the unripe strawberry saw the ripe one, it was green with envy.
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
If you use the church's WiFi, are you receiving God's signal? -- Anonymous
Many people have puns, but they will nut tella you.