I want a taste of your Milky Way.
Never has there been a more romantic story than how those two geologists met.
It was lava at first sight.
Why are trees so silly? All of their puns arboring and acorny.
"Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery after three years?"
Who puts money under a deer’s pillow when they lose a tooth?
The hoof fairy.
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
How do Medieval sheep protest prisons?
They storm the baaaastille.
The boy leaf confessed to the girl leaf that he was fall-ing in love with her.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence!
I was going to become a biologist. But all the endless coursework on hearts and lungs and kidneys and so on just made it seem like one long organ recital.
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
Why do you never see owls being affectionate in the rain? It's too wet to woo.
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!
Where do zombies go sailing?
Lake Eerie.
You're so sweet, your giving me cavaties.
Wholey-grain! You really bread my mind!
What do you call an animal you keep in your car?
A Carpet
Q: What do you get when you walk around with cherries in your shoes?
A: Toe jam.
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
What did the lost witch ask the wizard?
- Witch way to the Halloween party?
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
The cawllarborne of the skinny crow was so pronounced.
Recently I was at a store walking down the flash drives and hard drives section.
I have to say, it was quite a walk down the memory lane.
I've stopped paying $6 for sham poo
After all, I make my own DIY genuine poo every morning.
I’m soy into you.
Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.
There was a young lady from Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They came back from the ride,
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
What do you call a stolen yam? A hot potato.
"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt
What did the pear say to the other pear when they just got together?
It’s good to be a pair.
Did you hear about the sick juggler? They say he couldnt stop throwing up!
Are you a banker?
Because you need to leave me a loan.
Nice asteroids.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
Why did the Jack-O-Lantern go to the pumpkin patch?
Because he had holes in him.
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."
- Texas Bix Bender, Don't Throw in the Trowel
Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your butt and graft it onto a buddy?
Ass skin for a friend.
Relationship status - table for one but drinks for two.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
I made a snap decision to watch football today
Algorithm.
Word used by programmers when they don't want to explain what they did.
What is the Easter Bunny's favorite drinking game?
Hop Scotch.
A mime in our town was arrested yesterday after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.
That’s a nice Witch costume, but you won’t be needing the broom anymore, because you’ve already swept me off my feet.
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
– George Miller