What did an angry donut say to his wife?
Donut talk to me.
My love
I have gotten to know you so very well
I’ve even noticed when you start to smell
You share almost everything with me
When we gossip, you say “spill the tea”
You have become my best friend
That is no lie
We can giggle together
We laugh till we cry
Even when you can be a little gross
You are the man I love the most.
Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!
What covers the floor of the motzarella forest?
Cheese sticks.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
Longfellow is the known poet of basketball.
What's the similarity between a sailor and a thief?
Both have a phobia for sirens.
Why was the tree doctor so good at his job? He could always get to the root of the problem.
I allow myself only one donut per year.
This morning I had 433 B.C., 1731, and 1952.
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
What kind of cheese do alcoholics eat?
Livarot.
You shouldn’t put orange slices in your beer. Well, maybe once in a Blue Moon.
What did the Hollywood film director say to the young neuron that wanted to be an actor?
"Hey kid, you've got potential."
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
What do you get when a penguin lays an egg on a hill?
An eggroll.
Why do seals swim in salt water ?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
What happened to the renegade donuts?
They went down in a glaze of glory.
Excuse me… Do these shoes make me look fast?
Practice safe text: use commas.
If you travel to the future and get decapitated
You'd be ahead of your time
What type of trunks do foresters wear to the swimming pool?
Tree trunks!
Physics is like incest.
It’s all relative.
A man fell into a vat of varnish and died
He had a terrible end but a lovely finish.
There’s been a murder, a woman was killed,
found in a bathtub, partially filled.
A pair of policemen went into the house
and questioned the poor woman’s spouse.
He’d just come home from working all night
and found her like that, a terrible sight.
The younger policeman looked on with dismay.
He’d never forget that terrible day.
He saw the young woman from behind the door
and empty milk cartons all over the floor,
Scattered strawberries, slices of fruit,
and spoonfuls of sugar and honey to boot.
”Who could have done this terrible thing?”
His voice had a horrified, pitiful ring.
”Just look at the clues,” replied Sargeant Miller.
”It looks like the work of a cereal killer.” (Albert Van Hoogmoed)
Are you tired? Because you’ve been running through my mind all day.
What’s ET short for?
So he can fit in the spaceship!
When the love of his life finally left him, young Fidel cried out in despair, "I didn't think you would embar go my dear one."
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
Row row row your boat.
Rowing gently down the stream.
Life is so extreme.
My father gave me a peach. I told him that I wanted a pear. So he gave me another peach.
“Luckily, today has been canceled. Go back to bed.”
– Unknown
The Best Break Up Lines
Want to know a joke? Our relationship.
Roses are red. Bromothymol is blue. My love for you doesn’t have an endpoint.
Why was the man with a beard in pain?
Because he had a must ache.
Is this seat saved? Because I am.
“Santa’s beard is so long because he’s bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?”
Where's a pickle's favorite place to go in London?
Pickle-dilly Square.
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
Approximately how many Egyptians can be fitted inside a pyramid? A pharaoh mount.
Roses are red
And you gotta go
Because I found out
That you is a ho.
What type of cat belongs to the baker? One that’s pure-bread
I dropped a ball in
your lap
It's time to play
I just put a ball
in your lap
So it's time to play
See that ball
I placed in your lap?
That means it's
time to play
You can have your
emergency appendectomy
Any other day
But I dropped a ball
in your lap
And now it's time to play
Wanna make out in my Tundra Buggy?
What do you do if you see a blue banana? Try to cheer it up.
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
Thankfully evolution gave us ears a million years ago...
Now we finally get to use them to wear masks.
Shave a single shingle thin.
Why aren’t trees competitive sports fans? They like to root for everyone.