I ran out of toilet paper, so started wiping using lettuce leaves
But I'm scared this is the tip of the iceberg.
Eye drops are technically blinker fluid.
6:30 is hands down the best time on a clock
I was hiking yesterday, when I suddenly ran in to a cougar....
Almost made me puma pants!
I'm snow bored.
You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "I can't do both."
As an April fools joke, I told my SO that I was pregnant...
...sadly she didn't fall for it.
Why does a little cherry always look up to its parents? It tries to follow in their fruitsteps.
There's a microchip you can transplant into your brain to boost your memory
You should keep that in mind.
What did dinosaurs have that no others animals ever had? Baby dinosaurs!
What did the therapist say to the angry client when their cell phone battery died?
I suggest you find an outlet!
You’ve got beauty like Petit Champlain and curves like Bonhomme.
It’s your birthday, there is no cure,
Cakes and candles, you must endure,
Quick and painless, let me assure,
A tiny chance, you will be mature,
With this crowd, usually secure,
Random fun, with results obscure,
Liquids we drink, definitely pure,
Goofy friends, minds we tour,
Hilarious birthday, that’s for sure.
(Martin Dejnicki)
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
What do you call a deer that feeds on the blood of others?
Vlad the impala.
My girlfriend left me because all I do is talk about football.
I'm so sad, we were together for 3 seasons.
Why wasn’t the little pumpkin allowed to swim?
There was no life gourd on duty!
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During ape-ril showers.
Why do people like working at the Red Lobster?
It helps them get out of their shell.
Knock knock!
Who is there?
Beaver
Beaver who?
Be-ware of the turbulent river.
“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison
Why shouldn’t you take corn on an airplane?
Your ears will pop!
"Don't ever think I fell for you, or fell over you. I didn't fall in love, I rose in it."
― Toni Morrison, Jazz
When it started raining, I spotted a potato across the road pretty fast and I wondered what’s up? It wasn’t long before I saw a fork up ahead.
Have you heard of the story about the campanologist without arms?
Doesn't ring a bell.
I hit a crow in my truck one day, and it flew into the next lane and landed on a police car. I was ticketed for flipping the officer the bird.
Did you hear about the guy who had an addiction to cheddar cheese?
It was only mild.
There was an enchanting young bride,
Who ate many green apples and died.
The apples fermented,
inside the lamented,
and made cider inside her inside.
What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it? Post Office!
You couldn't cut the s*xual tension in here with a Yellowknife.
Why are pickles in sandwiches always so polite?
They're well-bread.
A classical musician bought a Stradivari violin
Now he is quite Baroque.
Hitler jokes are rude, Anne Frankly I don't care.
Trumpester: Did you hear my last recital? Friend: I hope so.
Sherlock Holmes enters a room carrying a box of lemons
"Where'd you get those?" asks Watson.
"A lemon tree, my dear Watson. A lemon tree."
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"
What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?
An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays.
They say March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. Ewe might say it leaves sheepishly.
"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"
- Jim Gaffigan.
Your body must be made of oxygen and neon because you are the ONe.
Can I just watch this Spotify ad? Cause I’d love 30 mins of uninterrupted time with you.
The painter loved to paint because he was drawn to art.
Why did the kid pursue scuba diving?
Because all his grades are below C-level.
Birthdays are sometimes hard to observe
Many people think they are for the birds.
Well, when I look at your age
I can see why you are at that stage.
Where did the years go
Another birthday, oh no
It only seemed like yesterday
We celebrated your birthday.
Oh who cares about age
Don't let it discourage
Be happy and just say
It is just another day!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
A chap sees a zebra sitting on a seat beside him in the cinema eating popcorn. He says “what are you doing here?” The zebra says, “well, I enjoyed the book”.
Double bubble gum, bubbles double
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”
“When I figured out how to work my grill, it was quite a moment. I discovered that summer is a completely different experience when you know how to grill.”
— Taylor Swift
What did the cherry say when it was given a bunch of flowers? You are cherry sweet.