My friends tell me I'm like a beard..
I grow down or sideways, but I never grow up!
What mouse was a Roman emperor?
Julius Cheeser!
Why does a duck say quack?
Because it can’t say moo.
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
What did the minotaur say to the real estate agent?
- Amazing.
We should make like the Soviet Union and split up.
I gaze at you in awe,
Your beauty leaves me speechless,
I long for your touch,
And I yearn for your kiss.
I can wait no longer,
I can’t leave my heart on the shelf,
Oh whoops, I’m sorry,
I forgot to introduce myself!
What’s the scariest plant?
BamBoo.
Did you know this mall has a movie theater? I just saw a preview of our life together. Looks pretty good!
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
Q. What happened when the computer geeks met?
A. It was love at first site!
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
What do you call a goat on a mountain?
Hillbilly.
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
Hi, I’m writing a phone book, can I have your number?
Where do doubtful Egyptians get their water from?
Denial River.
What did Earth say to the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
What is the favourite toothpaste of the security guards of a mining company?
Coalgate.
A police officer knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bicycles what rubbish my dog doesn’t even own a bike.
What did the Turkey do on Halloween?
He was a goblin
What do you call a 2D fairy?
Pixie-lated.
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.
How advanced are the inner workings of a submarine?
It goes very deep
When a young adult goes to take a leak, does that mean they're a peenager?
How did architects earn a living in ancient Egypt?
Pyramid schemes
What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
What do the squirrels do when they are bored ?
watch NutFlix
Every function without you will always be void of love.
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers; I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
Rita Rudner
Why don’t anteaters get sick?
Because they’re full of antibodies.
I found this amazing bluegrass band that does covers of 80s rock.
They call themselves Ban Jovi.
Why are dogwood trees amazing pets? They have a great bark and a wooden bite.
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
What kind of party is held in a cornfield?
A cornball!
My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.
Why did the monster truck drive on the sidewalk?
Because he didn’t want to run over the chicken!
Are you an omelette? Because you’re making me egg-cited!
"The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible."
— Jean Kerr
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
What is the definition of “moon”?
The past tense of “moo”.
Your beauty is like Pi, never-ending.
What makes music on your head?
A headband.
Q: Did you hear about the cherry that liked to explode?
A: It was da’ bomb.
If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ...
... Then Soviet.
"Do I love you? My god, if your love were a grain of sand, mine would be a universe of beaches."
— William Goldman, The Princess Bride