What do you call a bully on Halloween? A jerk-o-lantern.
I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.
How did she find out the password to my computer?
Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.
What can you serve but never eat? A volleyball.
The Leaning Tower of Pisa is in Italy
So it’s italicized!
I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)
What’s the difference between an iceberg and a clothes brush?
One crushes boats and the other brushes coats!
I keep asking my physics teacher "what is the unit for power?"
But he just saying "Yes."
I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.
She's made of auntie matter.
I only wanted a week's supply of sweets instead I got a lifetime supply because I got you.
A female sheep and a couple of aggressive birds are sitting on the veranda. What language do they speak?
Porchewegeese.
When do franks tell insults? At a wienie roast!
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
"Sip happens."
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
“The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.”
— Dudley Moore
Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.
Who is king of all the mice?
Mouse Tse Tung!
Drums - You can't beat 'em. Well, you have to, really.
The fungi turned down seconds at dinner because he never had mushroom.
"I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. he other two are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves"
The best stretches are partner stretches.
Promise you won’t Char-leave?
If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then I would have 37 dollars.
hat did the pizza slicer say when he wanted to rob the pizza?
“Hand over the dough or I’ll cut you!”
"They say good things take time, so that’s why I’m always late."
I’d check your blood sugar, but you’re sweet enough.
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
Did you hear the little loaves playing hide-and-seek earlier? They kept yelling, “Bready or not, here I come!”
How do two flowers greet each other?
Hey bud, how’s it growing?
I had a colonoscopy recently and believe it or not getting the camera up there doesn't hurt as much as you might think.
It's the crew that's the killer.
How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.
Windmills? I’m a huge fan!
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
I can turn your software into hardware.
You’re as sweet as a flower, and not a daisy goes by when I don’t think of you.
What did the fruit lover say after he met a girl?
I’ve got a date
Why did the person throw their computer cabinet in the air?
They wanted to store it in the cloud.
If I had to choose between breathing and loving you, I'd take my last breath to say "I Love You".
Are you cake? Cause I want a piece of that.
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore…
But he did have a hand in it.
What kind of tea did the American Colonists want?
Liberty.
Why was the picture of the dog sent to jail?
Because it was framed.
Wanna exchange genetic information with me?
Why did the burglars decide to rob a music store?
For the lute.
For several days each month, some friends and I get together, play instruments and sing in a medieval style.
I guess you could call it my minstrel period.
It may just be a stage I'm going through, but I sure do love the trapdoors on set.
"You're a real good egg."
An ancient Greek walks into his tailor’s shop with a pair of torn pants.
‘’Euripides’’ says the tailor. ‘’Yeah, Eumenides?’’ replies the man.
What happens to witches who break the school rules?
They get ex-spelled.