My friend couldn’t pay his water bill anymore.
I sent him a Get Well Soon card.
Did you hear about the guy who died when an axe fell on him? The police are calling it an axe-i-dent.
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because all of the cows have horns
Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls
Why do eggs hate jokes? Because they could crack up.
My kid asked why I named our WiFi "ship"?
But that's how everything syncs.
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
The tiger asked his longtime friend, "Will you be my tigerlfriend."
A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.
What do you call it when there are two nuns in a drum circle?
a conundrum
I’m totally in shape. Round is a shape.
There was an Old Man of the Hague,
Whose ideas were excessively vague;
He built a balloon
To examine the moon,
That deluded Old Man of the Hague.
How many Chinese folks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They don't change lightbulbs, then just dim sum.
You know you are getting older when the candles don’t fit on the cake.
Are you a mountain climber? ‘Cause you really peaked my interest.
I know "Good Morning" in 5 different languages
Which do you want to hear tomorrow?
What does a meditating egg say?
Ohmmmmmmmlet.
How do you cut an ocean in half?
With a seasaw!
Why did the banana go out with a lemon?
Because it couldn't find a date!
You are such a perfect arrangement of atoms.
Where does Santa stay when he goes on vacation? At a ho-ho-ho-tel.
You’re not 50 years old, you are 20 years old with 30 years of experience!
Hey, did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because honestly, Karen, you are a demon.
If you are a fan of alphabet soup, then you might also know times new ramen.
I'm no organ donor, but I'd be happy to give you my heart.
If somebody says "You pitch great for a southpaw," is that a left-handed compliment?
Who led the Jews across a semi-permeable membrane?
OsMoses.
Why do crabs never give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish.
If someone else would have invented the airplane, it wouldn't have been Wright.
Did you hear about the Irish potato that immigrated?
He became a French fry.
My love for you is like the universe… never-ending!
Mistakes happen.
No need to terrier-self up about it.
Why did the engineering students leave class early? They were getting a little ANSI.
What happened to the renegade donuts?
They went down in a glaze of glory.
On Halloween night, the walking dead clones
Shuffle around with mumbled grunts and groans
But have no fear
When they come near
They would rather die, than turn off their phones!
Is it a sin that you stole my heart?
What's a fish's favorite musical instrument?
A bass guitar.
I'm attracted to you so strongly, scientists will have to develop a fifth fundamental force.
What do you get if you cross an alligator with a flower?
I don’t know, but I will not smell it!
Ma'am, I am looking for a running partner, for the rest of my life.
How did Poseidon greet the sea monster?
- Hey buddy, what's kraken?
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.
How do I know many hundreds of digits of pi greek and not the 7 digits of your phone number?
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws!
Why did the lettuce stop dating the mushroom?
He though she was a pretty fungal, but didn't have mushroom on its schedule.
“Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.” – Robin Williams
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
What type of noodles do swimmers like best?
Pool noodles!
What does a tornado wear under his clothes? Thunderwear!
The cost of the space program is astronomical.