“I am hungary.”
“Maybe you should czech the fridge.”
“I’m russian to the kitchen.”
“Is there any turkey?”
“We have some, but it’s covered in greece”
“ew, there’s norway I’d eat that!”
Some people like beer goggles. I prefer wine glasses.
Hey girl my heart is anywhere you are.
What did the deer say to his friend who has slipping down the mountain?
Hang on for deer life!
How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.
Where did the ghost go on holiday? The Boohamas.
Why don’t these children eat their soup? Because all of them is stew-pid.
Knock, knock
Who’s There?
Annie
Annie Who?
Annie thing you can do, I can do better.
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
What do you call a goblin brigand?
A robgoblin.
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
What’s the difference between a fly and an eagle?
An eagle can fly but a fly cannot eagle.
I used to adventure with a gnome, but he gave it up so he could focus on writing under a pseudonym. He became a gnome-de-plume…
Excuse me, there has been a heartbreak incident and I need your number to solve it.
Why do ghosts and demons get along so well? Demons are a ghoul’s best friend.
What did the duck do after he read all these jokes?
He quacked up.
Let’s take a leaf of faith.
The only reason i want to become a father is to make dad jokes all the time. Some people think I am kidding
But i’m dad serious
What do you call an alligator that has all the other gators at the swamp crown around him?
A congregator.
A man is wanted for stealing tires off of cop cars.
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
Why do trees have to drink responsibly? Otherwise, they become a bunch of trunk idiots.
What do you call a gorilla who has been locked up in prison?
A kong-vict
I think you might be a star, because I can't stop orbiting around you.
Did you hear about the red ship that collided with the blue ship?
All the sailors were marooned.
What do you call a bullet proof Irishman?
Rick O'Shea.
Kicking off the afternoon in the best way possible
What kind of chips do you eat in the bath?
Shower cream and onion.
Q. Which African animal is the oldest?
A. The zebra. 'Cause it's in black and white.
What do you get when someone stares coldly at you?
Glare ice.
What drink brings you down to earth? Gravi-Tea.
Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
Did you hear about the constipated crocodile?
It was a crockashit.
What is the poshest breed of dog?
A Cavalier King Charles Spaniel.
What do you call a group of friends in California?
A startup.
My mum made a chocolate bar out of peas. I asked if she could snap a peas off for me.
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
Why can I not make jokes about the recent attacks in France?
Because jokes are all about execution.
I only like smooth leather
and my opinion will never be suede.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
What a great match, guess you could say its my Luke-y day
Where did the nut keep his money?
In his cash shoe.
Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? Because the cow has the utter.
I started dating her when she backed her car into mine at the mall.
I guess you could say we totally met by accident.
What advice would you hear from a zombie?
- Never put your eggs into one casket.
What do you call a snowman that tells tall tales?
A snow-fake!
What's the worst part about being a beaver?
It's a lot of dam work.
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
The favorite drink for batman is a fruit punch.