I'll be making a movie about the Greek alphabets.
It's a Psi Phi film.
Mom: *Struggling to make a decision between 1% or 2%.
Dad: Milk up your mind!
What did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly?
Viola.
"I like the parts of your face that are covered with skin."
- Anchorman 2 (2013)
The kids are rumbling and tumblin'
Grandpa's snoring and a grumbling.
The football teams are taking a knee,
On Grandma's big screen t.v.
The leaves outside are turning yellow
'Cause winter's coming to say hello.
The aunts are all fussin' in the kitchen,
Wait a minute, it must be Thanksgivin'!
Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?
Vowel-halla
Why don’t ants get sick? Because they have little anty-bodies.
I rarely put orange slices in my beer.
Once in a Blue Moon.
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
Why did the owl 'owl?
Because the Woodpecker would peck 'er.
How does a bomb choose not to go off?
It refuses.
How did the telephone propose to his girl?
Duh, ain’t it obvious? He gave her a ring!
What does seaweed say when it's stuck at the bottom of the sea? "Kelp! Kelp!"
I'm going to have to get a security guard because you're trying to steal my heart.
How did Sam win the talent show? Sam-sung.
Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I run by again?
I saw an egg behaving oddly today.
It was probably just a bit egg-centric.
I once pranked my mom and told her that I had lyme disease
I still had a few ticks up my sleeve
Summer is like the ultimate one-night stand...hot as hell, totally thrilling, and gone before you know it.
Q: Why couldn’t the boy keep his documents open when he left a window open in winter?
A: Because it was too Win+D
I used to own a rabbit, but now he’s just some bunny that I used to know.
Q. Which kind of cheese is made fom deer milk?
A. Moose-erella.
Did you hear about the loggers who stopped cutting down the forest? The trees really felt re-leafed.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Jess.
Jess who?
Jess let me in.
Is your name Faith?
Because you're the substance of things I've hoped for.
Q. Which deer prison is escape proof?
A. Elk-atraz.
What do you call a mouse who can pick up a horse? Sir!
What's the greatest problem facing Poland?
The four-ten split.
Why should you be careful not to insult a crocodile?
It may come back to bite you in the butt.
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
How do pigs get to the hospital?
In ham-bulances.
What did they Turkey say to the blade of grass? Nice knawing you!
Why did the pillow cross the road?
It was picking up the chicken’s feathers.
Are you cake? Cause I want a piece of that.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
Me: I think I'll take a dip in the pool.
Lifeguard: What ya got there?
Me: Hummus.
Roses are red, Roses are blue
Depending on their velocity relative to you
What do you call money that grows on trees? Marijuana
Excuse me, can you empty your pockets? I believe you have stolen my heart.
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.'”
– Rita Rudner
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
Why do anti vaxxers hate vaccine jokes?
They never get them.
Whichever gator stole all the food, we'll catch the crook-a-dile.
When in France, I have Nantes-thing to complain about.
"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy." ~ Groucho Marx
Bagels and baguettes
Bap or fried bake,
The fruits of the flour
are easy to make
Chollah, chapatti,
Cinnamon bun.
These global delights,
make eating such fun.
Filled with Caribbean sweet meat
like Guava jam,
Scottish smoked salmon;
Or Danish roast ham.
Add a fresh fruit salad,
Some sparkling wine,
A candle, red roses and
you’re ready to dine.
(Joanna Davis)
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
What did the Clydesdale use to deal cards at the casino?
A horse-shoe.
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
This guy walks into the doctor's office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.