What did Hillary Clinton say when Bill wanted a new Saxophone?
"Not until you get rid of that HarMonica."
How does one raindrop ask another out? Water you doing tonight?
For Valentines Day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus.
It’s the little things that count.
What did one sushi roll say to the other sushi roll?
I’m soy into you.
I love Physics, but I'm terrible at Math.
I hope in doesn't Matter.
A slat spreading truck knocked me off my bike last year. I yelled “You idiot!” through gritted teeth.
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
I used to hate peas. I like them now, I just make sure I think of them as 'o's.'
My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.
Which technique does a Gorilla borrow from another animal when it gets romantic? The bear hug!
What do you get when you cross a bean and an onion?
Teargas.
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.
Did you hear about the guy who got his left arm and left leg cut off?
That’s okay, he’s all-right now!
Q. What do swine use to chat up a date?
A. Pig-Up Lines!
Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon.
If it ain’t brogue, don’t fix it.
I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,
50% of them will still be below average.
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
— Robert Frost
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
"I can rise and shine, just not at the same time."
– Unknown
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
A baseball walks into a bar. The bartender throws him out.
Did you hear the new pop song about Covid?
...it's pretty catchy.
A flamingo only ever asks for a plaster when it hurts its pinky.
How do two skeletons have se*?
They bone each other.
Where do cow farts come from?
The dairy air.
What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill anymore.
I sent him a Get Well Soon card.
What eats laptops? Computer worms.
“Is this the Spanish word for ‘nap’?” She asked, pointing to a word on the page.
“Si, está.”
How do you know the tooth fairy is a journalist?
They're always searching for the tooth.
Why Don't Gymnasts Use Towels?
Cause they dumbbell dry.
Q. What do you get when you cross a doe with a bull?
A. A deery cow.
They say that volleyball is just mind over matter. Because in our minds, you don’t matter.
My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
Why did the computer come with airbags?
In case it crashed.
Did you see the glitch earlier? You weren’t listed as the top hottest single.
Mom: Why did you shave the peaches!
Dad: The recipe asked for nectarines.
What do you call a deer that feeds on the blood of others?
Vlad the impala.
Q: What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up?
A: It blossoms
Q. How does a tree get on the computer?
A. It logs on!
Can you run with me so I can tell my friends I've ran with an angel?
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
"Can I get some peas and quiet?!" shouted the pea dad angrily.
The pineapple is pining for the summer.
What would you call someone who cheats others while selling milk? A skim artist.
My wife and I went hiking and got lost. I lost my temper and she was so upset she threw the map at me.
Now I know where we stand.
Reading whilst sunbathing? You must be well-red!
I had a jaw-dropping experience.
Sadly, it was radium poisoning.
“Sometimes I would like to be a child again, and other times a woman made of snow.”
– Deirdre Sullivan