Roses are red
Violets are blue
Girl its been fun
But im leaving you
What's more important, shampoo or conditioner?
Is it the foamer or the lather?
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to answer the door?
My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:
“Hey, I peed in the sink”
When is a turkey scary?
When it's a goblin.
Why is everyone so tired on April 1st?
Because they just finished a long 31-day long March!
What is a Greek dog’s favorite dessert?
Barklava!
I wrote a song to memorialize the man killed when a piano fell down a mine shaft.
It's in A flat minor.
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
I had never seen a horse that white. Perhaps, that is why it is called a mayo-neighs.
Is it a full moon? Because I feel a tidal pull toward your heavenly body.
Know what kind of cookies rich people love? Fortune cookies.
A goat came out of nowhere and headbutted me
It was a ram-done act of violence
How do you say farewell to a very optimistic insect?
Buoyant!
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
What did the pickle say to the lemon?
I relish our time together
How was the lepre-con caught?
By an under-clover police officer!
I always get cuts and bruises because every single day, minute and second i keep on falling in love with you.
I showed up late to a cannibal party.
I got the cold shoulder.
Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.
Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
St. Nickeless.
Why was the little bee sent to bed without supper?
Because he wouldn't beehive.
What do you call a koala with a negative attitude? The bearer of bad news.
Why is the moon so conceited at times?
It becomes full of itself.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
I banged my bike against the wall today. it was wheelie unfortunate.
Why did the artist get into a heated argument with the gallery curator? He just wasn't in the right frame of mind.
Did you hear about the constipated crocodile?
It was a crockashit.
What do you call a cow that plays the violin?
Moozart.
You’re my #1 pick.
-
Where do sheep go to get their hair cut?
The baa-baa shop.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
How does a suit put his child into bed?
He tux him in.
I love your energy.
What do you call an ant with five pairs of eyes?
Ant-ten-eye.
What do you get when a dinosaur sneezes? Out of the way!
What did the Little Mermaid say to Triton before she left?
- If you need me, call me on my shell.
In Ireland, they really like to ham it up.
It’s so cold washroom attendants have started putting salt boxes next to the toilets.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
Why are some umpires fat?
Because they always clean the plate.
Some marine biologists argued about how best to handle angry dolphins.
The were working at cross porpoises.
There was a Young Lady of Parma,
Whose conduct grew calmer and calmer;
When they said, 'Are you dumb?'
She merely said, 'Hum!'
That provoking Young Lady of Parma.
Did you hear about the man who used to be addicted to eating raw meat? Don't worry, he's cured now!
I know you’ve turned me down before, but I’m asking for an extra shot.
My sister's laptop is so sassy and fun, it loves to play disc-o music.
What is the mermaid’s favorite drink?
A mertini.