How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the thin ice our relationship is on.
What do you call an onion that is very valuable to jewelers? You call it a pearl onion.
Where did the independent cat decide to live? In Catalonia!
What to give your favorite electrical engineer for his birthday?
Shorts.
There are three things verbose realtors find most important:
Loquacion. Loquacion. Loquacion.
A synonym for cinnamon is a cinnamon synonym.
What do you call it when it rains ducks and geese?
Fowl weather.
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
I'm good at manicures but bad at languages.
Although I think I would nail Polish.
Our weather bureau is actually an umbrella organization.
Living costs on the moon would probably be out of this world.
I want to stick to you like glucose.
Q. What does the alpha gorilla call his first wife?
A. His prime mate.
For Halloween I'm going to dress as a donkey with a kilt
I'm going to be an ascot
Where do you smart hot dogs go?… On the honor role.
All things must grass.
“Aquarians are sort of unorthodox, original people — sort of wack, witty mad-caps who refuse to follow the crowd and go their own way.”
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
If you pull the pin out of a grenade, is it possible to put it back in it so it won't explode?
I kinda need a quick response...
Usain bolt must be a fruit
Have you seen that mango?
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
I would never precede you with "which," baby, because you are essential to this clause.
Q: How is hurricane season like Christmas?
A: At some point, there’s going to be a tree inside your house.
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
Son: Hey Dad, why do you have your ear right up to that computer?
Dad: I’m listening to A Dell
“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann
What is a pink bird's favorite kind of dance? Flamenco.
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
How was the viking party?
Pretty Loki.
What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
Why are goats and rhinos attracted to each other?
Because they are both horny animals.
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey
Why did the submarine driver lose his job
Old, racist tweets resurfaced
What is a giraffe’s favorite fruit?
Necktarines.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in; it’s cold out here!
What did the banana do when he saw the monkey?
The banana split.
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
Sleigh my name, sleigh my name.
What do you call a criminal vampire?
A fangster.
What do you call a skeleton snake?
A rattler.
Tomatoes are red, roses are red too. We both know what I truly love is you.
Why cant a mosquito stand on his feet?
because they dont have mosquiTOES.
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.
Baby, you're so hot it's got to be at least Fahrenheit 451 in here.
It used to be free to fill up your car tires with air, now it costs $1.25. You know why?
Inflation.
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
I might have some trouble getting hard, I just got laid this morning!
What do you call an animal you keep in your car?
A Carpet
Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread. How do baseball players stay cool? They sit next to their fans.
As I was preparing to leave the restaurant, the waiter said to me, “Do you wanna box for your leftover food?”
I said, “No thanks, but I’ll wrestle you for them.”
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.