Why aren’t trees competitive sports fans? They like to root for everyone.
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate, the greedy ape said as he ate: The greener green grapes are, the keener keen apes are to gobble green grape cakes. They’re great!
It seems like you have the answer to my math problem. What are your digits?
She sells seashells on the seashore.
The shells she sells are seashells, I’m sure.
And if she sells seashells on the seashore,
Then I’m sure she sells seashore shells.
Historians have discovered a new Greek God who didn’t excel at anything.
His name was mediocretese.
Vampires are not even real. Unless you Count Dracula.
I love you so much I would eat the corn from your poop.
What do you call a bear who practices dentistry?
A molar bear.
What do you call a carnival worker who’s eating a turkey leg?
A carnie-vor.
I think you’re pretty Stella-r
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
Why is winter the least popular time of year for a wedding?
Because the grooms always get cold feet!
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
How do the cool camels say hello?
"How you dune?"
What do you call a zombie door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer!
I bought a 400 year-old chair from Italy,
but as soon as I sat on it, it baroque.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have a weird axe scent.
I saw a strawberry with a gun, robbing a man. I am guessing he was in a jam.
Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?
Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B?
I think i spent way too much on this table. It is just not a foldable.
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
What did the peanut say to the cashew after their argument?
Imma cashew outside!
Are you a chocolate cake? I’m craving something sweet.
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
Why can't you tell a joke while ice fishing? Because it'll crack you up!.
A berry from which you can directly drink out of is a straw-berry.
Ohh hey… You’re Riley cute
What did one Jack-o-lantern say to the other? Cut it out!
“Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.”
― Unknown
Q. Who walks around the suburbs trying to sell venison meat?
A. A deer-to-door salesmant.
When one of them have a birthday, turtles call for a shell-ebration.
How did the corn farmer get to be so successful?
He corn-ered the market!
What Disney movie can a deer watch over and over again?
Fawn-tasia.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
What words do windmills live by? One good turn deserves another!
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?
Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.
Somebody stole all my lamps… I couldn’t be more de-lighted!
What did the ghost knights say to the cloud king?
Our souls will rain forever.
Why do blind people hate diving?
It scares the hell out of their dogs.
I always invite the mushroom to my party because he is such a fun-guy.
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
Why don’t people like grumpy vampires?
Because they have bat tempers.
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
Where do koalas go to settle legal matters? A kangaroo court!
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito