Do you wanna Ketchup over beer?
What did the two onions who were lovers say to each other before being separated? "Our love will forever go-nion on!"
Did you hear about the rundown swimming pool?
It was a real dive!
Our daughter eats her corn one kernel at a time.
She's a unicorn.
"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy." ~ Groucho Marx
What’s the first thing a gorilla learns in school? The ape b c’s.
You're so sweet, your giving me cavaties.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Rabbit.
Rabbit who?
Rabbit up carefully, it's a present!
Why was the boxer fired from his job?
He never punched out.
I was testing the speaker phone on the intercom on our landline with my father yesterday.
It started to make that annoying noise. My old man said it was too close to call.
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
A mother mountain says to her moody teenage mountain “don’t you give me that altitude!!”
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet...
It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!
What should you get Lassie, the star of the hit TV show, for Valentine's Day?
A cauliflower.
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
What do gnome standup comedians call a tiny pun?
Puny.
What does the Ghost say when he sneezes? - Ach-ooooooooooooooooooooo!
The main difference between a dog and a basketball player is that one dribbles while the other one drools.
What did Neil Armstrong say when people didn't laugh at his moon jokes?
"I guess you had to be there."
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
Why blondes can't make Koolaid? Because they can't get 2 quarts of water in that small koolaid envelope.
What do you call a fake Irish stone?
A shamrock.
Did you hear about the guy who killed a group of catholic crows?
It was Mass murder
What do you call someone from Spain who lives near the Portuguese border?
Span-ish.
Your Zygomaticus Major is the best thing that I have witnessed.
Let's get out of here and explore the North Pole. I'm a rebel without a Claus.
"You're perfect in every way, just not for me."
I’ve started dating Medusa recently.
Our relationship rocks!
Kicking off the afternoon in the best way possible
“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor
Why are flowers so good at problem-solving?
They know how to nip things in the bud.
What did the flower tell his son before a big game?
I’m rooting for you.
Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.
Two kittens on a sloped roof.
Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest mew.
V
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Edit*: sorry it seems as the CTRL button on my keyboard isn't working
Son: does Easter Bunny set out 12 eggs in the field to search for?
Dad: no he dozen’t.
The airline lost my luggage, and so I sued them. Unfortunately, I lost the case.
Why did the person throw their computer cabinet in the air?
They wanted to store it in the cloud.
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet? blood-thirsty hacker baby
Have you ever tried kangaroo meat? I have. It was tasty, but it made me a bit jumpy.
Why was the realtor in counseling?
He couldn’t get closure.
"There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one." ~ Jack Yelton
Babe, it doesn’t matter that you got diabetic retinopathy, because I heard love is blind.
A crayon that looks like a strawberry is usually called a cranberry.
Don’t steal, don’t lie and don’t cheat.
The government hates competition.
I like you, you croc my world.
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.”
Ethel Barrymore
The moon asked the sun: Buddy when you are so hot, why are you single yet?
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir