Why don’t dogs bark at their feet?
It isn’t polite to talk back to your paw.
Have you heard about the latest restaurant that opened up on moon?
No, how is that restaurant?
How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat.
Roses are red, violets are blue, give me your number, so I can bloom with you.
What kind of cats love to go bowling? Alley cats!
Can I take a picture of you, so I can show Santa exactly what I want for Christmas?
Girl you must have swallowed a speaker, cause your beauty is louder than the rest
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes.
What did the bat complain about?
Flying with such frequency was exhausting.
Me: I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes.
Friend: How?
Me: I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven.
Why was the evergreen so lonely in high school? She was always pining to become a part of the poplar kids.
I was only taught 22 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know Y TBH.
That look soots you.
What do seals do when they need medical attention?
Sea kelp.
I told the person who was playing my trumpet,
To stop pushing my buttons.
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
The direction fields of my heart all point to you.
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
I’m diagnosing you to see if you’d make a good boyfriend.
What did the mom say to her kitten when she caught him slouching? Paw attention to your paw-sture!
What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?
Oh Sheet
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist's work.
They finally went with mine.
"I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral," I said.
"No," said the boy. "Your painting's wider, so it'll cover more holes in our wall."
Looks like the boa cons-tricked her.
Why do pirates not know the alphabet?
Because they always get Lost at C (Sea).
What do you call a Viking cat call?
Valholla
"Guess who I bumped into on my way to the optometrist."
"Who?"
"Everyone."
Q: How does an artist fill in a CV?
A: He draws on experience.
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid.
Why didn’t the bicycle cross the road?
Because it was two tired!
How do eggs get around?
On a s-egg-way.
My wife was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, “Should I buy new beach towels?”
I wrote back, “Shore.”
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
So, how on earth did the police catch the watermelon thief without a solid description? Don’t really know; guess the bloke was acting seedy.
I lost my grip, and my beer shattered on the floor.
This Corona outbreak is really getting out of hand.
I saw a pun on chocolate bars but it wasn’t that fun
So I just snickered.
Chuck Norris caught COVID.
But then he felt bad, so he let it go.
If it ain’t brogue, don’t fix it.
How does a baby beetle get around?
In a buggy.
How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?
You channel surf faster without the remote.
You must be a keyboard. Because you're just my type.
Can I tell you a joke about paper. Nah, never mind, its tearable.
Roses are brown
Violets are brown
Who crapped in my garden?
There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a Bee;
When they said, 'Does it buzz?'
He replied, 'Yes, it does!'
'It's a regular brute of a Bee!'
“Money often costs too much." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
Why shouldn’t you drive with a vampire?
He will drive you batty.
Having a ball
What's a frog's favorite game?
Hop-scotch (or leapfrog).
Why do ghosts like elevators? They raise their spirits.
It's my first day on the fishing boat and everyone keeps asking if I've found my sea legs.
I'm not falling for it though. I know for a fact that seals don't lay eggs.