King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
Why is it always quiet in the forest? Because all of the trees sleep like a dog.
Why did the frog make so many mistakes?
It jumped to the wrong conclusions.
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet?
Blood-thirsty hacker.
I forgot my reusable bag, can I borrow one of yours?
What did the pumpkin say to the jar? Soon I will be ajar too.
Do you have any tape? Because I'm totally ripped.
Why did the zombie take a sick day?
She had cold symp-tombs.
What do you call a mosquito with a turbo?
A bug-hati.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
What is the only thing that can cure a sick do-nut?
An antidought!
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
What did the duck eat for snack?
Salted Quackers.
Why can't elephants use computers?
Because they're scared of the mouse.
Why do hitters find it so hard to be productive when they are indoors? They always work on an angle to play outside.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
What do you see when an elephant hides behind a tree?
The trunks
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.
What is the difference between a cow that produces normal milk and a cow that produces chocolate milk?
A mootation
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
How do mares keep track of their boyfriends?
A stud book.
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
What do you do with a sick chemist? You try to helium, and then you try to curium, but if all else fails, you gotta barium.
Ants in your plants.
According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
What was Moses' favorite color?
Red, see?
What did the cheese call himself after he got dumped?
Forever provolone.
How do you know you in "love" with spicy food? After getting to third basil.
I tried driving a truck with a trailer that was attached without using the proper equipment.
It went off without a hitch.
I’m going to start a YouTube channel where I critique bottled water...
It’s an untapped market.
What's the difference between a cat and a frog? A Cat has nine lives but a Frog croaks every night!
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
If we were chromosomes, you’d be my homologous pair.
Friend you’re one year older
Time waits for none, I think.
Since weather’s getting colder
Let me buy you a drink.
I’ll make sure it’s really hot
And quite the tasty brew.
Now let’s drink up to the thought
I’m not as old as you!
If you're wondering what to donate to a soup kitchen...
...a dining set would be chair-i-table
Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
*Creating password*
"MTWTFSS_MTWTFSS"
ERROR: [Password two week]
Lava is red and tsunamis are blue. If I had to choose a case study, I’d choose you.
Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.
My local restaurant recently lost out on an entire order of the best local beef. No one has herd what happened to it.
Where do baseball players wash up?
In the bat tub.
“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous
You’re like my coffee, you keep me up all night.
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
The late actor Sir Sean Connery was a big fan of the onion because well, he usshed to love them shh-allot.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
What type of bar is kid friendly?
A chocolate bar.