A woman asks her neighbor, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?"
Her neighbor says, "No, he's not home yet"
“Weeds are nature’s graffiti.”
— Janice Maeditere
Why don't they make boats out of peppers?
Because they're always capsaicin!
My cell phone got drunk.
It took too many screenshots.
Do you know what firemen often add to their soup? – They add firecrackers.
I really like guitars
They just strike a chord with me.
The owner of the inside inn was inside his inside inn with his inside outside his inside inn.
Do you know what the favourite soup of a ghost is? It is the Scream of Broccoli.
They say that Disney World is "the happiest place on earth".
They've obviously never been in your arms.
What did the river sue for?
Beaver damage.
What do you call a winged insect that hits home runs?
A fly swatter.
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”.
What do llamas do when they eat outside together?
They have an alpacanic.
For waterproofing their nests, crows buy caw-king.
Why did the pineapple suddenly stop the car in the middle of the highway? Because it just ran out of juice.
Your earrings are the mirrors which reflect the moonlight into your eyes.
Why do werewolves howl at the moon?
Because no one else will do it for them!
When the theatre owner dies, his visitation hours are as follows: 1pm, 3pm, 6:30 pm, 9pm, and midnight.
What currency do fruit use to make purchases?
Banana bread!
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
This may be corny, but you are a-maize-ing.
You know why women's eyes are so noticeable these days?
It's the mask era.
Walking through the farm and a group of pigs jumped out of a tree at me. It was a hambush.
You can virtually stay in any room. The only one you can’t is the mush-room because it is reserved for fungi.
What kind of bears dissolve in water?
Polar bears.
What does a horse call her best friend?
Her mane chick.
Quasimodo would’ve been a great detective
He always had a good hunch.
Why does cheese look normal? Because everyone else on the plate is crackers.
"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
How do you know the tooth fairy is a journalist?
They're always searching for the tooth.
What did the Wife say to the Husband?
You are exhausting!
Did Cyclops the X-man play hockey? Yes, he enjoyed lasing up the skates.
Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by again?
Q: What would a peach love to pet?
A: A Pit Bull.
Why aren’t dogs good dancers? Because they have two left feet!
What did the witness say at the gnome trial? In my gnome words here’s what happened.
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow.” – Carl Fox (Martin Sheen)Wall Street
Why do you bring fish to a party?
You bring fish to a party because they go well with chips!
To a deep scholar said his wife:
“Would that I were a book, my life!
On me, then, you would sometimes look.
But I should wish to be the book
That you would mostly wish to see.
Then say, what volume should I be?”
“An Almanack,” said he, “my dear;
You know we change them every year.”
(John Dryden)
Why does Venus have a crush on the sun?
Because the sun is really hot.
What kind of person would sell someone a sham-rock?
A lepre-con!
What do you call a snail on a boat?
A snailor.
I think I’m developing tics. I just can’t help but wink at you.
What happens when an alligator drives a boat?
He becomes a navigator.
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are… but I laugh more.
What did the painter say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster you!
“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”
When we cross a deer and a mouse, what would we get?
“Mickey Moose!”
What do you call a slow skier?
A slopepoke!