What do you call a low-quality Russian composer, pianist, and conductor of the late Romantic period?
Knockmaninoff.
You must be Drumheller, ‘cause I totally dig you.
What happens when a closet goes into fighting?
It turns into a wardrobe.
Emo bunnies just do not carrot all.
Why do wookies love chocolate chip cookies? Because they are chewy.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
Drinking tea while being too calm can kill you, did you know?
It's called a casual tea.
Hey baby, remember how you said that you can’t live without me? Well, it’s time to get your affairs in order….
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance style? Hip-Hop!
The Montreal baseball team relocated to Tampa after being purchased by the
Exposito bros.
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
I always like to keep a jar of peanut butter in the car when I travel on a busy freeway ...
just in case there’s a traffic jam.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
Why is it so hard to contact a pirate? He leaves his phone off the hooks.
What did the monochrome say to the rainbow?
Oh no! My arch nemesis!
How do you know if it's too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
There once was a young boy named Nick,
Who by chance was always being kicked.
He tried not to fight,
For he was smart, kind and bright,
So he learned how to run really quick.
Why did the skeleton go to acting classes?
He wanted tibia star.
What is a snake’s favorite TV show?
Monty Python.
The most suitable way to bake a pie in autumn is to bake it to pie-fection!
What do you call bears with no ears?
B.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
How do you call a man who can cook an egg on his head?
pan o man.
Hello Boo-tiful.
“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson
How do you know you’ve been visited by a possessed rabbit? He leaves deviled eggs.
When does a brain get afraid?
When it loses its nerve.
Which is a meat patty's least favourite day of the week? Fry-day!
A Cowboy was told that if he sprinkled gunpowder on his breakfast, he'd live to a ripe old age
So he did this religiously, every morning.
He lived to the ripe old age of 96.
He left behind 8 Children, 24 Grandchildren and 60 Great Grandchildren, as well as a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
"If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?"
Which month do soldiers hate most? The month of March!
What do worms leave round their baths? The scum of the earth.
How does Big Foot find his way through the deepest darkest forests?
He just follows the big footpath!
A man was once offended
By a pun writing contest he entered
He submitted ten
Sure that one would win
But alas no pun in ten did.
What happened to the cherry that got married to an apple? They are living apple-y ever after.
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
A mother mountain says to her moody teenage mountain “don’t you give me that altitude!!”
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
You’re as sweet as a flower, and not a daisy goes by when I don’t think of you.
Me: I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes.
Friend: How?
Me: I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven.
Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.
Working in customer service already did that.
My love for you is like a fruitcake during the holidays - nutty, spicy and unavoidable, no matter how hard you try.
What will you call a crazy spaceman? An astronaut.
In a world that is full of apples, it is much better to be a pineapple.
What did the chicken do when his shop caught on fire?
He egg-xited..
I tried to change my password to "14days".
The computer said it was two week.
Why did the bus driver quit his job? It was driving him mad.