Man: Do you think it was fate which brought us together?
Woman: Nah, it was plain bad luck!
What do you call a bee you can't understand? A mumble bee.
An ig is just a snow house without a loo!
What do you call a room full of crows? Crowded.
What are the chances I open with a pun that’s so bad you Leah-ve me hanging?
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
Wanna go explore some celestial bodies together?
What tree is bought the most at the plant store?
The poplar tree
A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar. The barman says, why the long phase?”
What do you think the boy star told the girl star? I really glow for you.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
You're such a treat that I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me.
If coloured caterpillars could change their colours constantly could they keep their coloured coat coloured properly?
If you were to be as rich as your number, how much are you worth?
Why did the squirrel take apart the classic car?
To get down to the nuts and bolts.
What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Twinkle twinkle little pie,
You squash my willpower like a fly.
You look so innocent and so sweet,
Convince my lips that we should meet.
You are a relentless flirt,
Oh no, we had indecent dessert.
Twinkle twinkle help appears,
A Stevia leaf erased my fears.
It made my willpower a superhero,
As for calories it has zero.
Twinkle twinkle Truvia™ star,
It has natural sweetness I love just what you are.
(Michael Hack)
Crabgrass in my lawn is always fighting to prevent good grass seed from rooting...
Guess you could say I'm caught in the middle of a turf war
How do you get down from a tree? You can’t because down comes from ducks.
“Being different is a revolving door in your life where secure people enter and insecure exit.”
— Shannon L. Alder
"The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate!"
— Terry Moore
"Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all." — David Lynch
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
A robber walks into a bank and points the gun at the receptionist
"Give me all your money or you're Geography!" 'Don't you mean "or you're History"?'
"*DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!"*
What do they play at the beginning of a car movie?
The trailer.
I must confess that I've started stealing vegetables from the local grocery...
I can't help it! I get to the store and I have to take a leek!
Why did the monkey cross the road?
Because the chicken retired.
You must be a narrative hook. Because you’re stuck in my mind.
Why did the peanut take everything off its wall? It didn’t want any walnuts.
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
Why do oranges wear suntan lotion? They peel in the sun.
Why did the two puns go to camp together?
They wanted to be pun-kmates!
What is the best way to observe the two planets between Jupiter and Neptune?
Saturn Uranus.
Which frog has horns?
A bull frog.
"When reality and dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.”
— Crystal Woods
Which Oiler great had a soft spot for Indian food? Jari Curry.
What is the best type of nut for your home wall decor? A walnut.
There four things we simply cannot choose in this life
1. Our parents
2. Our nationality
3. Our physical attributes
4. The Russian president
What did the drug diller say to the duck?
Are you on quack?
What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
What’s something a kangaroo has that no other animal has?
Baby kangaroos.
What does a dog get when she finishes obedience school?
Her pet-degree.
Why is IKEA the cheapest place to get furniture?
Because they have some Swede deals!
Why did the Platanus occidentalis have to go to the doctor more than the other trees? Because it was always sycamore.
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
What happens when you blend an artificial waterway with a tree? You get a root canal.
Why should you live a pineapple life? Because Life is sweet.
What’s the difference between a dog and a gator?
A dog’s bark is worse than its bite.