4G, or not 4G, that is the question.
How do you save a drowning mouse? Use mouse to mouse resuscitation!
“Monday is a sloppy umbrella day, which makes everybody a little blue.”
– George Leedy
There are many grounds religious children can practice their soccer skills. However, most of them love the prayground.
Flaked tuna is a great product for both campers, and dolphins
It's truly useful for all in tents, and porpoises.
Why did the artist cross the street? To crosshatch to the other side.
It is not uncommon for elephants to start a stampede. Especially if they want to play for the Chargers.
Why did the sapling go to the doctor’s office? He was feeling a little green.
My partner got mad when she found so much spam on my computer.
She said, "Food belongs on a plate!"
What is a car’s favourite film?
Taxi.
Are you an orphanage? Cause I wanna give you kids.
Wanna make out in my Tundra Buggy?
I'm surprised you all aren't talking more about that drug with the side effect of making scalps wrinkled.
I mean, it's been making a LOT of head lines.
Don’t ever trust a leper-con!
I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled
- Paul Curtis
What did the angry brain say to the nociceptor?
"You're a real pain."
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
Q. What did they serve with nacho cheese at stag parties?
A. Deer-itos.
What do you call Dragon with no silver?
A dron.
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You think dinosaurs are scary?
Imagine dragons!
There was an Old Man with a poker,
Who painted his face with red oker
When they said, 'You're a Guy!'
He made no reply,
But knocked them all down with his poker.
Your beauty is so bright,
Your eyes shine like the twilight.
Your lips are so sweet,
To kiss them would be a treat.
I still can’t believe that you are my girl,
You are, by far, the best thing in my world.
Please know I’m not saying this because you are mad,
But if you feel like forgiving me, honey, I’d be so glad!
A Duck is about to cross the road. A chicken runs out to stop him screaming "Don't do it, man - you'll never hear the end of it!"
Did you hear about the Wi-Fi wedding?
The ceremony was awful, but the reception was great!
Where do gorillas go to after work?
The monkey bars.
Where are werewolf movies made?
Howl-lywood.
May I have your number, so we stop being strangers?
What did the vegetable say at the party?
Lettuce turnip the beet!
A wolf that uses bad language is known as a swearwolf.
What do you call an otter with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
If Satan ever lost his hair...
There would be hell toupee.
What can a whole apple do that half an apple can't do? It can look round.
The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
What's a fish's favorite musical instrument?
A bass guitar.
What's an inmates favorite place to hangout? At the bars.
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
“The North Pole doesn’t import goods because it’s Elf Sufficient.”
Why did the cantaloupe jump into the pool?
“It wanted to be a watermelon.”
Why did the ghost decide to become a vegan?
Because it's super natural.
“Do what we can, summer will have its flies.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist when they go to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.
"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
What do you call monkeys who share an Amazon account?
Prime mates.
I've come up with a list of the top 10 types of specialized chairs.
Number 3 will shock you
What is the baby vampire's least favorite fast food establishment?
Stake n shake!
Your beauty is like Pi, never-ending.
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
What will you get if you cross an ice bear and a running tiger? Frostbite.