What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.
My friends say that I cannot cook alphabet soup for this dinner. And now they are eating their words.
Mike Tyson bought a yacht and immediately wrecked it.
Who woulda thunk it?
I’m not sure, but I think I’m falling in love with you already.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
They flipper coin!
How do you describe an acorn in one sentence? In a nutshell, it is an oak tree.
What is a dairy product like as a partner?
They’re your butter half.
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
Black and white
Thick and furry
Fast as the wind
Always in a hurry
Couple of spots
Rub my ears
Always comes when his name he hears
Loves his ball; it's his favorite thing
What's most fun for him? Everything!
Great big tongue that licks my face
Has a crate, his very own space
Big brown eyes like moon pies
He's my friend till the very end!
(Abby Jenkins)
Peaches tend to be really mean. After all, they have hearts of stone.
Genie: "What’s your first wish?"
Steve: "I wish I was rich."
Genie: "What’s your second wish, Rich?"
Why did the orange turn into orange juice?
It couldn’t handle the pressure.
What do cats eat on hot days?
Mice cream.
Why was the mummy added to the game as a pinch hitter?
Because the manager knew he could wrap it up.
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
What do you call an irate kangaroo?
A k-angry-oo.
Are you sure you're not a tower? Because Eiffel for you.
Why couldn't the pirate play cards? Because he was sitting on the deck!
Are you an alien because you abducted my heart long ago.
What did the Mexican wrestler say after he ate a taco that was too spicy?
“It’s okay, I’ll just guac it off”
What makes your mouth sad?
A tongue depressor.
What do you call fraudulent milk? Cow-nterfeit.
If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!
What is the best type of nut for your home wall decor? A walnut.
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
What do you call a rapper working at Cold Stone? Scoop Dogg.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.
What happens to Germans when they eat too many lemons?
They become sour krauts.
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
Skiing is believing!
Man: Do you work at the Bakery, cause you have a nice set of buns.
Woman: Do you work at a Grocery store? Then why are you checking me out?
"I'm a Taurus, and I defy you to find someone more stubborn, opinionated, and determined than me."
— Gary Garrison
My wife bought me an expensive umbrella and she’s been holding it over my head ever since.
What is the invisible man's favorite shampoo?
Clear.
hat did the pizza slicer say when he wanted to rob the pizza?
“Hand over the dough or I’ll cut you!”
"In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
Where does Batman go to take a dump?
To the batroom of course!
Where’s a donut’s favorite vacation spot?
The Sahara dessert!
The zombie worked for years to win this prize. He showed real dead-ication.
Strawberries love delicious food. Their favorite is Jam-balaya.
If you want to name a smart pig, name him Cunningham.
The Genie granted my wish for longer arms, but he warned me My wish would have far reaching consequences.
My best friend said we're like two peas in a pod. I'm confused, there's only one P in pod.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside