What do you call a weather man that destroys dinosaurs?
A meteorologist
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett
How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
Wi’ jam in.
All chemists know that alcohol is always a solution
Roses are red violets are blue sugar is sweet and so were you... but now the roses are wilted the violets are dead the sugar bowls empty and so is your head.
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
Are you my lines? Because I could never forget you.
My daughter told me COVID stinks and she misses her teacher...
I told her "I Ms. your teacher too."
A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
Newscaster Dad: And now, here is John with the weather.
Weatherman: It’s Jim, actually.
Newscaster: My apologies. Here’s John with the Jim.
My dog takes so long to get ready. He can never chews what to wear.
What do you call a bear that jumps but never lands?
Peter Panda.
Why was the penguin popular?
Because he was an ice guy.
What do you call a broke santa? Give up yet? It's Saint-NICKEL-LESS.
“Feliz navi-dog!”
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
There was a Young Lady of Tyre,
Who swept the loud chords of a lyre;
At the sound of each sweep
She enraptured the deep,
And enchanted the city of Tyre.
You stole my heart, so can I steal your last name?
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
You wanna know who makes my life complete? Read the first word in this sentence.
How many museum curators does it take to change a light bulb?
6. 1 changes it and the other 5 preserve, display, and celebrate the old model.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
Roses are red, and violets are blue,
Your spaghetti is overcooked, it sticks like glue.
What is a lightyear?
The same as a regular year, but with less calories.
Do you want to share some valence electrons? This way, we can have a stable relationship.
What’s the best time for Frankenstein to go to a party?
Fright now.
In the 1970s, hippies loved going to a Grateful Dead concert and getting toasted. That’s certainly the truth.
My love for you burns stronger than my urinary tract infection.
It’s so cold that when I needed an anesthetic, the dentist told me to stick my head out the hospital window.
What's grandma's favorite fruit?
a Ba-nana.
The soup that she cooks is so thick that the kitchen would go around when she stirs it.
What do you call an Amish Man whose hand is in a horse’s mouth?
A mechanic.
Do you have an inhaler? You took my breath away.
Which dinosaurs were the best policemen? Tricera-cops.
“Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.”
– Deborah Kerr
According to Newton’s law of universal gravitation, If I’m attracted to you, then you’re attracted to me.
I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.
One of the funny puns uttered by Mark Twain is that denial is not just a river in Egypt.
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
What did the oreo cookie say to his filling? You’re my butter half.
Woddy Allen
Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
Did you know there’s an app for corn growers?
It’s made in Sili-corn Valley!
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had so many problems.
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
I heard the history teacher got into a fight with the math teacher
He did a real good number in him.
Chuck Norris changed a lightbulb...
With one hand he held the bulb, with the other he turned the house.
What do you say happened to an onion who got what it deserved? You say it got karma-lized.
What was the light bulb’s occupation?
He was a conductor
Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs!