What is better than a physics joke?
A meta physics joke.
Is your name flecainide? Because you just made my heart skip a beat.
Even though there's no ball game on tonight, we can still slam it.
Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?
Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
Right, I'm off to grow some facial hair above my top lip...
Must dash.
You run like light. How can I get high-speed access?
What do volleyball players like in bed? Kinky sets.
What did the sink say to the potty?
You look flushed!
I am so dedicated to basketball, but I promise you I will bring that dedication to our relationship.
I told my kids that ketchup can go on anything.
You know, It’s the least condiment denominator.
"What does the letter "A" have in common with a flower?
They both have bees coming after them."
- Kim Roblin
For instant fun, just add water.
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
I am disappointed that you are taking such a closed-stance on my footwork advice.
Why was the realtor upset with his truck driver client one day?
The client wanted a house with really long haul ways.
Which musical group did Frankenstein not like at all?
The Village People.
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing it just waved.
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
I'd let you Chataranga over me any day!
The female janitor at my office asked me if I would like to smoke some weed with her.
I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women.
Everyone knows the Italians invented pizza but few know that it was perfected by French rebels in nazi occupied France during WWII.
It was the pizza de resistance.
There's a new erectile dysfunction medicine on the market
Its called mycoxaflopin
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
Everything about you is perfect except one thing, you aren't married to me.
What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
Alligators will see you later, crocodiles in a while.
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
I’ve been getting blitzed all game.
What do you call a kids book about otters? Harry Otter.
Two Sisters Reunite after Eighteen Years at Checkout Counter.
What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
Snow and Tell
I was at my hotel in Spain and wasn't feeling well.
Reception said they had a doctor on staff.
The doctor asked me lots of questions and I was then feeling much better.
I told reception I didn't expect a hotel would have a doctor on staff
They said it was a Spanish Inn Physician
Why do potatoes make good detectives? Because they keep their eyes peeled.
The bowl of soup you bought yesterday from the Chinese restaurant was souper terrible.
What was the most famous bat comedy team?
Ab-bat and Costello.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
Summer went swimmingly this year.
After his meal, the cannibal wipes his mouth and says: “My wife cooks the greatest soup in the world. But I will miss her so much.”
How sweet is only for girls?
Her-shey’s kisses.
Roses are red,
Pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one,
I’m not sharing with you.
The old and wise onion had once told me that life is similar to onions. Whenever we peel off our protective layers, we end up crying.
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a goat.
How long has this been going on?
Since I was a kid.
Like a bouquet tied with twine, I can be yours if you will be mine.
Roses are red, my face is too, this only happens when I cycle with you.
Why did the bear quit his second job?
Because he needed some koalaty time with his family.
Will you Scarlett me take you out this weekend?
What are the three things most important to bats about their local real estate?
Echolocation. Echolocation. Echolocation.
What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.
Why can't the zombie get a job?
They all want someone more lively.