The soup that my mom made for dinner healed my flu in a day. It was almost soup-er natural.
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
What do you call a potato that has turned to the dark side? Vader tots!
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
“I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention." ~Ron Kittle
When the unicorn lost his job, there was nothing funny about being canned corn anymore.
Crossbows are great, but they have their drawbacks.
Who was the criminal crow running from? The cawps.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
He’s in love with me,
And not exactly for you.
And if you take my place,
I’ll take my plate and smash your face.
(Unknown)
What do you call a free treadmill?
The Great Outdoors.
What is a cat’s favorite song? Three blind mice!
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
Let's play some scrabble, I just need to get the croc-a-tiles.
My Buddhist friend just gave me a “Nirvana” scented perfume.
It smells like Teen Spirit.
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
I met a man, Stan.
His nature is Afghani.
Yes! Afghanistan.
My friend, while driving through the mountains watching the leaves change: I love the winter. All the naked trees.
Me: Yeah, you can see all their knotty parts.
I summoned the dragon just for you. Now its time to make your wish come true.
What does a door to door flower salesman do?
Petal his wares.
My dad always said the secret to theatre was to always leave them wanting more.
He was a great guy but a terrible anaesthetist.
What do you call a dinosaur that's a noisy sleeper? A Bronto-snorus.
Hay girl, I'd like to have a stable relationship with you!
What time does the Wicked Witch have her clocks set to?
Greenwitch Mean Time.
Are you the moon? Because even when it’s dark you still seem to shine.
“Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” — Steven Wright
Roses are red
violets are violet.
Here is my number
why don’t you dial it?
What do dairy products say when they make a basketball shot? Colby!
How can you tell when a coach doesn’t know what they are doing? When the real coach is yelling from in the stands.
You must be my coronary artery because you’re wrapped around my heart.
Baby, if you were a fruit you'd be a Fineapple.
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.
They'll kill your dog.
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Iran!
Iran who?
Iran over here to tell you this!
Looking for a boyfriend in engineering: the odds are good, but the goods are odd.
How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
Where do frogs leave their hats and coats?
In the croakroom.
What do you call a shark that can’t stop singing “U Cant Touch This?”
An M.C. Hammerhead.
What do you call it when you have proof that you bought a wig?
A receipting hairline
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Scold.
Scold who?
Scold enough out here to go ice skating.
This may be cheesy, but I think you're grate.
The goal nine yards
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
If you're keen on stunning kites and cunning stunts,
buy a cunning stunning stunt kite.
I don’t care if all of the other giants see me as a big joke for filing a restraining order on a guy I’ve got 75 feet on.
Beanstalked is a serious matter.
You must be Australian because you've turned my life upside-down.
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.
What kind of dishes do skeletons serve tea on?
Bone china.