"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
“I’m staying in shape this winter by wearing enough layers to be constantly sweating.”
Jellyfish and peanut butterare sea turtles favorite sandwich.
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.
When my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance, my heart almost stopped,
Fortunately, she was just calculating velocity.
How do you save a drowning mouse? Use mouse to mouse resuscitation!
Ants in your plants.
Why do ice cream cones make such good journalists?
They always get a scoop.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
I’d like to tell you folks a joke about paper, but It’s tearable.
When you cross a wolf and a monkey, you end up with a howler monkey.
What kind of button won't unbutton? A bellybutton!
A boy lines up to get some apple juice and a girl lines up to get some orange juice
This would be funny but there’s no punchline.
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
What do you get when you cross a dog and an octopus?
A reprimand from the Scientific Morals and Ethics Committee and an immediate cessation of your grant funding.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
Eleph-ino! (Sounds like "Hell if I know!")
Have you heard of the hair stylist that refuses to cut hair?
If she won't cut hair to earn a living, she'll certainly dye.
Why does a hummingbird hum? It doesn't know the words!
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
Are you tinsel? Because I want you all over my tree.
What is the chemical formula for the molecules in candy? Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
Why did the blonde skier only wear one boot?
Channel 7's weatherman said there was a 50% chance of snow.
What happened to the pirate who lost his peg leg?
He couldn't find it, so he was stumped.
What did the lemon juice say to the baking soda?
Ya basic!
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
How many ears does Spok have?
Three. The left ear, the right ear and The Final Frontier.
“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
George Carlin
Never date a Theater person...
... wayyy too much Drama...
What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.
If you ever have to defuse a bomb, never cut...
The Blew wire.
Two fish were swimming in a stream when it began to rain.
One fish said, “Quick, let’s swim under that bridge, otherwise we will get wet!”
What do you call a large pile of cats? A meowntain!
What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.
What do you call a crocodile that keeps breaking the law?
A crookadile.
Did you know that if you poured salt on a cat's tail it will fall off?
It's true! And if you pour pepper on a cat's tail, the pepper will also fall off.
“A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places.”
– Tom Lichtenheld
When my great-grandad went bald, he built a machine to weave himself a wig out of yarn. He then gave it to my grandad, who then gave it to my dad - and one day, it will be mine.
It’s our family hair loom.
What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife says it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
What do mountain climbers share around the campfire?
Goat Stories!
"It isn't good to keep things bottled up."
Wind carried the sound of two people mocking each other to my ears.
I was in diss-gust.
"Exclamation!"
I have a strange addiction,
It often sets off sparks!
I really cannot seem to stop,
Using exclamation marks!
They appear when I am writing!
Even in a shopping list!
If I don’t put one at the end
I feel something’s been missed!
It started as a positive!
It made people feel happy!
But now, I fear, it may bring tears!
It makes my teacher snappy!
Exclamation marks (!!!)
Can show how to command,
They show when things are exciting!
Or getting out of hand!
As you can see this problem,
Is one I now must end.
But, I can’t help but feel, maybe,
The question mark’s my friend?
(Anyone heard of the interrobang?!)
– Fiona Halliday
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
Lost on a mountain, you can collect rainwater to drink during storms.
Otherwise, you just have to make dew.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I was born smart,
What happened to you?!
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
Can I go to France this year? Of Corsican!