Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
Wel'l Wel'l Wel'l - if it isn't autocorrect.
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.
It was like love meant nothing to her.
Do you know what firemen often add to their soup? – They add firecrackers.
Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water?
He had a very esteemed colleague.
An idea is one of the worst killers of vampires. They don't see it coming, and then it dawns on them.
I am lucky we are hiking together this evening.
Why do cows eat grass?
I mean, someone has to moo the lawn.
Where do rabbits work? At IHOP restaurants!
Do you know how many famous men and women were born on your birthday?
None, only babies.
What fruit loves chocolate?
A cocoa nut.
What are the three things most important to bats about their local real estate?
Echolocation. Echolocation. Echolocation.
As an April fools joke, I told my SO that I was pregnant...
...sadly she didn't fall for it.
I've just been sacked from my job as a prophet..
I didn't see that coming.
Couple of friends have decided to put theatre style seats in their house. It will end in tiers.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
The airline lost my luggage, and so I sued them. Unfortunately, I lost the case.
When do bakers stop making donuts?
When they get tired of the hole thing.
Why did the geologist go on a date to the quarry?
He wanted to be a little boulder.
“I do an hour’s yoga and go running everyday. Then I see a picture of myself and I still look like a skinny, pot bellied idiot — and I thought I had turned into this superhunk!” — Chris Martin
My dog’s favorite band is The Beagles.
You’re Isaacly my type
"The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden."
- Ray D. Everson
I whale-y like you.
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the funeral.
The book on Mount Everest was super interesting because it had so many cliffhangers.
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
Hi, I'm a zombie, can I eat you?
Do you want to cosine on a mortgage with me?
I would ask for Netflix and Chill, but you look like you are into more interactive stories.
When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing?
Au revoir.
Why did Eve want to leave the garden of Eden and move to New York ? She fell for the Big Apple !
My collection of Swiss watches was stolen in Spain.
Adios Omegas.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
What is a polar bear’s favorite snack?
Brrrrrittos.
“Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.”
Summer went swimmingly this year.
Did you like my HTTP 200 joke?
It was OK.
Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you’d get it. It’s over your head.
If I were a cat, I'd spend all 9 lives with you
If you speak Hebrew and life gives you lemons...
You're an acidic Jew.
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
I hope you know CPR, baby because you take my breath away.
Our backstage manager is leaving at the end of the year. He has been an outstanding member of our theatre team.
Props to him.
I went fly-fishing yesterday.
All I caught was two bluebottles.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.