What did the cow say to his friend when they met twice in the same day? “What a cow-incidence!”
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
I applied for a job as an Instructor at a Scuba Diving center. The interviewer wanted to know if I can work well under pressure.
Woman’s Rejection: Sorry. I don’t date guys I pit-y
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
How did Ozymandias became the greatest Pharaoh of Egypt?
He rammed everything that he sees
What type of bread do deers enjoy the most?
“Sour-doe!”
Why did the computer leave the restroom crying?
It said, "it hurts when IP."
Which dance will a chicken not do?
The foxtrot.
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who never could get any rest;
So they set him to spin
On his nose and chin,
Which cured that Old Man of the West.
What was Moses' favorite color?
Red, see?
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
“An addiction to gardening is not all bad when you consider all the other choices in life.”
— Cora Lea Bell
My bowing arm is pretty sore… Because you just made my tremolo.
What sound do you hear when you drop a bomb on a cow?
Cowboom.
“Being a couch potato is dangerous, someone may get hungry and eat you!”
― Unknown
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I'd like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
If I walked a milimeter for everytime I thought of you, I would have walked across the Earth a million times.
A magician wearing a rainbow colored coat is called Hue-dini.
What do you call a hat for the brain?
A thinking cap.
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
There once was a girl named Sam
Who did not eat roast beef and ham
She ate a green apple
Then drank some Snapple
Some say she eats like a lamb.
“The bags under my eyes are Prada.”
"I would hop to the end of the world for you."
I once tried crossing a flamingo with a cement mixer. Sounds crazy, but I really wanted a good brick layer.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
What do mountain climbers share around the campfire?
Goat Stories!
What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.
Why do seals have trouble eating bread?
Because they're seal-iacs.
Why was the slice of bread upset with her husband?
He told her she was being too kneady.
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England...
... guess you could say he sleighed it
What do you call vampires bats that cheer at football games?
Bat-on-twirlers.
What do you get when you cross an avocado with a two way radio?
A Guackie-talkie
I always get pickle and chutney mixed up.
It makes me chuckle.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
"You know, one would have been enough."
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
What’s the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?
Seasoning.
Did Spotify fix their mistakes? Because you will no longer be the hottest single after you spend time with me tonight.
My pet owl will soon turn 180.
He's not old, he just has a bad neck.
At what point will you love to change your bulbs the most?
When sparks fly.
"Whenever I See"
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite, they only look at the other 10%.
Where did the deer go to fix its tail?
The re-tail shop.
Why did the monster truck drive on the sidewalk?
Because he didn’t want to run over the chicken!
In order to be efficient, I named my parrots Roger, Gene, and Mick.
Two Byrds, one Stone.
What type of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane Chocolate!
“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”
– Lucille Ball
Why did the fish cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
What do you call it when a marsupial tricks you?
A kanga-ruse.
What trophy does a stay-at-home defencemen win? The Snorris!