It was a great fire. It was a bon-fire.
Why are wooden hard drives so bad?
They're all bark and no byte.
What is a deer’s favorite after-school snack?
“Doe-nuts.”
What did the real estate agent say to the lady at the bar?
"Ma'am, is your name FHA loan? Because you have most certainly caught my interest."
We're like a 4-Leaf clover. You're the C and I'm the R, and there's love in between us.
I’ll never fir-get.
What’s a ghoul’s favorite Beatles song?
The Ghoul on the Hill!
Cherry pie can be a bit aggressive. Rumor has it they go around saying, “Hey! You want a piece of me?”
I was astonished when my shirt's color changed from red to pink after a wash. Guess it showed me its true colors.
I got this new chapstick today...
It's the balm!
My email password has been hacked again
That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.
“I don’t know what’s tighter: our jeans or our friendship.”
— Unknown
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite candy?
Lollihops.
Who in the hell names their son “Tiger” ?
Only people in the Woods’
So I was cleaning my spice cabinet...
and now I have a lot of thyme on my hands!
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
Two sodium atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly one says “Oh, my God, I’ve lost an electron!” The other says “Lost an electron! Are you sure?” and the first replies “Yes, I’m positive!”
Did you hear about the koala bear in the church choir? Yeah, they say he sings bearitone.
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?”
The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel.
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
What's the difference between a lobster and a Chinese man who's been run over by a bus?
Ones a crustaecian and the other is a crushed Asian.
Why can’t you ever tell a joke around glass?
It could crack up.
Did you hear about the cat who drank ten bowls of water? It set a new lap record
This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
Hey baby, do you have some bug spray? Because I have butterflies in my tummy.
How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello?
Konnichihuahua.
The tiger came went to the salon. Now, other animals of the jungle call him 'Shaved Khan.'
Why did the principal bring Clam Chowder to school? For the Soup-erintendent.
What do you call a chair in a suit?
A tuxSEATo
Why did the hobbit set his cell phone to vibrate?
He was afraid the ring would give him away.
"Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get."
~ Ray Kroc
Be careful what you say in a corn maze. The walls have ears.
Why is justice best served cold?
Because if it were warm, it would be justwater.
What do you call pears with no ears?
Deaf.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
My brother has been riding a bicycle since he was 4 years old
Damn he must be very far away by now
it was my pet dragon's birthday today
We lit the candles on his cake. He was really upset when he tried to blow them out.
What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
What did the rainwater say as it ran off the road.
Grate.
Why are plants the best chefs?
They’re succulent.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
I yam always very happy to eat sweet potatoes.
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
The way you talk to me leaves me aphasic.
Why is horse racing so romantic?
Because the horse hugs the rails, the jockey puts his arms around the horse and you can kiss your money goodbye.
"Going out with you would be my biggest break since the rural juror."
- 30 Rock
"Mosquito At My Ear"
Mosquito at my ear—
does he think
I’m deaf?
– Kobayashi Issa
What's the difference between a cat and a frog? A Cat has nine lives but a Frog croaks every night!
The computer wanted to get out of the house, so it used the Windows.