My dad didn’t love me as a child, but I don’t really blame him.
I wasn’t born until he was an adult.
What do you call Spider-Man at his full potential
Petest Parkest.
Do you get a hint of almond in this Keemun? No? That’s odd because I’m nuts about you.
I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.
What Beatles song charted highest in Italy?
Penne Lane.
Let's be like Noah and do this as a pair.
Hey shawty, it’s sherbert day.
Why did the cookie monster rob the keebler elves? Because they had a lot of dough.
Heaven called, they're missing an Angel.
If you're wondering if someone's become a vampire, there's an easy way to tell. A true vampire is always coffin.
After making love the other night, I told my spouse that I love when the whisper sweet things in my ear...
So my spouse leaned in close and whispered..."Syrup."
Have you heard about the latest restaurant that opened up on moon?
No, how is that restaurant?
I asked my buddy if he wanted to know what the word “the” was in Spanish. He expressed his disinterest and I responded with...
"Your los."
What is a neuron's favorite television channel?
The Ion Channel
Why did the mouse stay inside? Because it was raining cats and dogs.
That boy narrated his-story really well.
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
It's so hot I saw an Amish guy buy an air conditioner.
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who sat on a horse when he reared;
But they said, "Never mind!
You will fall off behind,
You propitious Old Man with a beard!"
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
When I tell you how much I love you, I'm not overreacting.
What would bears be without bees?
Ears.
What do cell phones order at dinner?
Apps.
What do you get if you come fourth in the National Weatherman Awards? A precipitation trophy.
Are you related to the sun? Because running into you just brightened up my day!
Why do toadstools grow so close to each other? They do not need mushroom to grow.
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
What do you call someone with fruit in one ear and whipped cream in the other?
A trifle deaf.
My dog got a promotion.
She’s now a branch manager.
My son's asked for a strange Christmas present this year. It's really cheap though so I don't mind.
I'm not sure why he wants an eggs box though.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Your ass is so nice, it's a shame you have to sit on it.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
I've been trying to think of an electrical pun but now my head Hertz.
What made the baby cookie cry so loud? His mother was a wafer so long.
How many astronomers will it take to just change a lightbulb? None, they like the dark.
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
Why shouldn't you shop at the Banana Republic? Because the employees look like a bunch of dicks.
Are you bad WiFi?
Because I'm feeling no connection here.
"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including yourself."
— Anne Lamott
Sherlock Holmes enters a room carrying a box of lemons
"Where'd you get those?" asks Watson.
"A lemon tree, my dear Watson. A lemon tree."
Albert Einstein, Blaise Pascal, and Isaac Newton decided to play a game of hide and seek.
Einstein covers his eyes and starts counting.
Pascal runs off to hide but Newton takes a chalk and marks a 1m×1m square on the floor and stands in it.
"Ready or not, here I come!" Einstein exclaims while he opens his eyes. He sees Newton standing out in the open and says "Haha, I found you Newton!"
Newton replies "No, you found Pascal."
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Oakham
Oakham who?
Oakham all ye faithfull!
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
During the summer break, I enrolled myself in a peach coding course.
The prowling youth
With fangs and cape
From trick or treat
There's no escape
Unless you make
Your own trick treats
And hand out bags
Of Ex-lax sweets.
- Patrick Winstanley
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong?
Mistaken bacon.
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
Erma Bombeck