Big Foot has been spotted throwing tantrums and talking back to his parents.
No wonder they call him the Sassquatch.
What cheese do beavers like? eDam
How much do you love rainbows? Just a skittle bit.
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
The local band stand was struck by lightening yesterday while the band was playing.
Only the conductor was hit.
Oh buoy – we’re having a splash bash!
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
Why do girl ghosts go on diets?
So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
Do you think that the mummies enjoyed being the mummies? Of corpse they did!
How many museum curators does it take to change a light bulb?
6. 1 changes it and the other 5 preserve, display, and celebrate the old model.
I was riding my bike through the countryside when I was attacked by a herd of sheep!
Fortunately, I was only grazed.
I'm thinking about buying a weighted blanket.
This is a most heavy decision.
A man has found water while digging in his backyard. For many years, he used the water at home saving tons of money until one day, the water stopped flowing. So he dug a little bit further and found water again and used it for years until it also dried up. This time, he went further, brought a digging machine, and dug a deeper hole until he found water.
Neighbors, annoyed by the noise, called the local sheriff who arrives to check what was happening in the backyard. The sheriff discovering the scene in the backyard says:
"Well, well, well ... What have we got here?"
You must be a fossil because I would love to date you.
Did you hear about the guy who was beaten by the King?
It’s a sore subject.
When a man went to the doctor to get rid of the strawberry that was growing out of his head, the doctor told him, "Don't worry. I'll give you some cream for that".
Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. -- Fred Allen
Which cow has great pickup lines? A cow which is smooth as milk.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.
Why do physics professors prefer overweight students?
They have greater potential.
Why is a baby showing the top of its head during labor a significant event?
Because that’s the baby’s crowning achievement.
What do you call a diving dog?
A sub woofer.
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
Where do sheep go to get haircuts? To the Baa Baa shop!
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group.
Friend you’re one year older
Time waits for none, I think.
Since weather’s getting colder
Let me buy you a drink.
I’ll make sure it’s really hot
And quite the tasty brew.
Now let’s drink up to the thought
I’m not as old as you!
Did you hear that cats have carried out a Coup in Barcelona and declared independence from Spain?
They're calling themselves the Republic of Catalo-nya.
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?”
The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
A teacher asks the class to name six mammals that you might find in Africa. One of the pupils replies, “five zebras and a lion”.
Do you want to be my lab partner? I think we could have some great chemistry together.
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
When can 3 elephants stand under 1 umbrella and not get wet?
When it’s not raining.
How many insects do you need to make money from your rental property?
Ten-ants.
I’m super friendly with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I just don’t know why.
You’re unbeleafable.
How do you measure the heaviness of a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
Where do flies go for a holiday?
Flywaii.
I'm looking to sell my toothpaste collection.
Don't worry, they're all in mint condition.
This zombie kept cutting the line so I gave her a piece of my mind.
She said it was yummy.
Why did the donut go to the doctor?
He was feeling crumby.
People with 20-20 vision..
Why you didn't warn us before??
My herbs were looking a little scuffed, but when I went to go polish them, my friend was already getting ready to help me out. This made me upset, so I grabbed a sprig out of their hands and said
This is my thyme to shine.
Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach?
Because they might peel.
“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"
Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson
Gnomes can be quite annoying when they’re indecisive. All they say is yes, gnome, maybe.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Rome!
Rome who?
Rome is where the heart is!
Are you Google? Because you have everything I’m searching for.
Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.
What kind of soup can you make with cool beans?
Chilly!