What did baby clock ask mama clock? Where's father Thyme.
Which is the bar downtown that soccer players hate striking on? Crossbar.
I'm sorry I'll have to confiscate your driving license...
Because you are driving me crazy!
What Do You Call A Cat That Swallows A Duck?
A duck-filled-fatty-pus
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever ?
What do we call a chicken inside a hot tub? – It is called soup.
I feel a bit bad for making blanket statements.....
They're my quilty pleasure
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
During the Great Depression, President Hoover didn't give a dam.
What do you get if you cross a frog and a dog?
A croaker spaniel.
What Disney movie can a deer watch over and over again?
Fawn-tasia.
What did the kid nut say to the other when playing tag? “I’m going to cashew”.
What sport are eggs best at?
Running.
Why do ants work so hard?
They are all serv-ants.
Why was the orange feeling sad?
It lost its zest for life.
What do you get when you dump your Easter eggs on a hill?
A spring roll!
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
What helps a pirates hair grow?
Aaarrrgan oil.
I can give you something to really be thankful about!
Did you see the display of still-life art? It was not at all moving.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
What do you call the worlds smallest violin?
Hard to play.
What do you call it when a monster gets mad?
Ogre-reacting!
Two blondes are walking down the road when one says "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says "Where?"
My love for you is like dividing by zero… It can’t be defined!
You’re my heartthrob.
If you were a basketball, I'd never pass because I want to keep you all to myself.
I was so amazed by your beauty that I had to run to the wall over there. So, I need to get your number and name to claim my insurance.
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
What did the storm drain say when it learnt it'd be getting a new cover?
That's just grate.
You're quite the catch, baby.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put ewe and I together.
The farmer went nuts because he was told it’s more profitable that way compared to other crops.
Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?
It's a period piece
Why are dogwood trees amazing pets? They have a great bark and a wooden bite.
Whats the distant cousin of the werewolf?
The way over therewolf.
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
Did you hear about the man who had nothing else to do so drilled into his own head?
He was bored to death.
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
“Roadtripophobia (n.) The fear of not having any road trips currently booked.“
What do you call heels on ski boots?
Ski lifts.
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
Why did the little girl color her paper heart pink rather than red?
She was feeling lighthearted.
Never date a Theater person...
... wayyy too much Drama...
I asked a pink bird who its favourite artist was. It looked at me strangely and replied “Flamingo Starr, of course.”
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
There was an Old Person of Sparta,
Who had twenty-one sons and one 'darter';
He fed them on snails,
And weighed them in scales,
That wonderful Person of Sparta.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry