Let’s spend some koala-ty time together.
How do you describe an acorn in one sentence? In a nutshell, it is an oak tree.
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
Where do ants go on vacation?
Frants.
I was walking down an alley in Scotland when I found a severed man's hand...
I wonder if he was kilt.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.
"You can't sip with us."
The brain is an amazing organ
it really makes you think.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
Where do bugs go to watch the big game? Apple-Bees.
Which commandment do baseball players hate the most? Thou shall not steal.
Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's outta business.
Let me give you another reason to feel thankful this year. 😏
A day with you is like an eternity of behind-the-ear scratches.
Why don’t cars enjoy long drives?
They find them a drag.
What did the watermelon wife say to his stinky husband? You’ve got a strange smelon you today.
In the eyes of the lawn.
My dog is very poor.
He can’t afford a “woof” over his head.
I told my friend a tree pun.
He was stumped.
What do you find when you swallow peas whole?
Inner peas
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
Their soccer team and the US navy had one thing in common, they both spent over $50 million on a sub.
When I gave the wrong answer about Austrian composers in class, my teacher said, "Are you Schubert that?"
I felt like telling you the joke about a strawberry jam on a piece of bread, but I won't. You might go around spreading it.
Why are snails allowed on ships?
Escargot.
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
I don't usually brag about my drum jokes but um...
tss
Bill’s house was rocking last night, everyone got stoned.
Too bad Bill didn’t have avalanche insurance.
It’s your birthday at last
You’re getting old fast
Each year whizzes by
Oh how time does fly
So put on your skates
And have a quick blast
Before it’s too late
And your whole life has passed
I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flour...
My teacher said, I'm the perfect roll model.
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in the water.
If it sinks, it’s a girl. If it floats, it’s a buoyant.
What kind of face cream does a strawberry buys?
Blackhead removal cream and scrub
Are you a campfire? Cause you are hot and I want s’more.
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
What do you call a person really crazy about the moon
A lunatic.
Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.
There’s a hair in my wine. The grapes must have been fur-mented.
Does anyone remember the joke about the sodium deposits? Na.
Did you hear about the sheep's jousting tournament?
It was a real baa-lancing act.
"If it costs you your peace of mind, you’ve overpaid."
— Rigel J. Dawson
Hi, I'm the Easter Bunny and I don't care if you are naughty or nice!
Afraid he wouldn’t get into college the skeleton spent the weekend boning up on algebra.
What do you do to a female news anchor who breaks a leg?
You put her in a broadcast.
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
What is a crows favorite vegetable?
Corn on the caawb.
What kind of bird always gets stuck in the nest? A velcrow.