He was showing off his new gaming gadget, "it has the latest peach recognition technology" he said.

I always knock on the fridge before opening it.
Just in case there's a salad dressing.

Sorry I took so long to call, I accidentally got lost in your eyes.

What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.

What Do You Call A Duck That Steals?
A robber ducky.

There was a Young Girl of Majorca,
Whose aunt was a very fast walker;
She walked seventy miles,
And leaped fifteen stiles,
Which astonished that Girl of Majorca.

Never believe minotaurs...
Half of everything they say is bull.

The next person that asks me for pineapple juice, cranberry juice, lemonade, and a slice of orange all in the same glass is gonna get a “punch.

Today I went to the bee store
And I wanted 12 bee's but when I checked out the cashier gave me 13 and I asked him why he gave me 13 instead of 12 and he said it was a free bee.

What is a witch's favorite makeup?
A ma-scare-a.

I wish I were Castiel so I could have everything in your personal space.

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.

“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown

What kind of driver never get a parking ticket? A screw driver

Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution

“I cannot go to school today,"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
“I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry,
I’m going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I’ve counted sixteen chicken pox
And there’s one more--that’s seventeen,
And don’t you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut--my eyes are blue--
It might be instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I’m sure that my left leg is broke--
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button’s caving in,
My back is wrenched, my ankle’s sprained,
My ‘pendix pains each time it rains.
My nose is cold, my toes are numb.
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow’s bent, my spine ain’t straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There is a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangn

You’re not 50 years old, you are 20 years old with 30 years of experience!

Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes?
To make them light and fluffy.

An Indonesian Giant stubbed his foot on a volcano...
- Did he Krakatoa?

What kind of camel throws a hissy fit when you milk it?
A drama dairy.

I keep asking my physics teacher "what is the unit for power?"
But he just saying "Yes."

The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.

You can put your hands at my heart’s center.

Where do saplings go to learn?
Elementree school

There was a Young Lady whose bonnet,
Came untied when the birds sate upon it;
But she said: 'I don't care!
All the birds in the air
Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!'

What is the first thing that bats learn at school? The alphabat.

Lettuce go on a long drive.

Where does fog go to the bathroom?
Anywhere it wants.

I miss you! I’ll see you tater!

What did the two coffee lovers say on their wedding day? We were meant to bean together.

What do you call a psychic gnome who escaped from prison?
A small, medium at large!

Have you ever heard of the Poder bird?
It is also known as the Toucan

What was the event of the onion family getting back together called as? A family reonion.

What do ghosts drink on St Patricks Day?
BOOs.

"That's all, yolks."

I'm reading a romance book in Braille.
I don't think I'll finish. It's too touchy feely for me.

My friend, who's a geneticist and a rapper crossed a gorilla with an orang utan
That's his new mixed ape.

"After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations."
— Oscar Wilde

The coddled superstar sat in the seats with the fans instead of on the bench
with the team; for this, ironically enough, he was accused of grandstanding!

Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.

Behind every successful man is an exhausted woman.

Do you know what is the actual difference between hell and hill? It is only a fine line.

What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?

They turn into blueberries.

Who cast the spell of sleep on Dorothy? It was the wicked witch of rest.

What do you call a famous turtle?
A shell-ebrity.

A man has found water while digging in his backyard. For many years, he used the water at home saving tons of money until one day, the water stopped flowing. So he dug a little bit further and found water again and used it for years until it also dried up. This time, he went further, brought a digging machine, and dug a deeper hole until he found water.
Neighbors, annoyed by the noise, called the local sheriff who arrives to check what was happening in the backyard. The sheriff discovering the scene in the backyard says:
"Well, well, well ... What have we got here?"

The male pig puts everyone to sleep.
You might say he’s quite a boar.

“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton

Girl, I know your wearing Nike, but I just won't do it.

Forget about Spider man, Batman, or Superman. I’ll be your man.