What do sailors drink when they gather at a tavern to commiserate?
Port whine!
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
How do you spot a radical baker?
They’re always going against the grain.
What did parietal say to frontal?
"I lobe you."
How did Cleopatra feel when she learned she was queen of Egypt?
She was in denial
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Europe
Europe who?
Europe early this morning!
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”
“My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.”
You’re like the perfect audition piece: rare, beautiful, and extremely worth it.
You make me more excited than gifts under a Christmas tree.
There’s a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children.
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
At the bar mitzvah ceremony, the Jewish onion greeted his uncle by saying 'Shallot'.
A router and a modem got married.
They were pronounced husbandwidth and Wifi.
What animal has more lives than a cat? A frog … because he croaks every night!
Why doesn't james bond fart in bed?
Because it'll blow his cover
Now I know why there's no snow - you're so hot!
“The thing about quotes from the Internet is that it is difficult to define their authenticity.”
-Abraham Lincoln, 1973
Excuse me, I think you dropped something - my jaw.
Do you know what I did last night? I put Easter eggs in a heart shape for you to find!
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
Why is a pineapple so attractive? Because it keeps its juices flowing.
Which athlete wrote the book, Jumping for Exercize?
Lee Ping.
There are more planes under the oceans than there are submarines up in the skies. Let that sink in...
Q. What is a mime's favorite time of the day?
A. Dusk, because all the colors are muted.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
I had to unclog my sink today.
I found it to be very draining.
How does the moon take a bath?
It has meteor showers!
I'm attracted to you like the Earth is attracted to the Sun - with a large force inversely proportional to the distance squared.
What do you call a handsome seal?
Mr. Seal Yo Girl.
Why didn't the lemon juice like the soap?
Because he was basic.
A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes.
Excuse me madan, could you help me? My hands ar so heavy. Could you hold them for me?
Took a flight, and my luggage got torn to pieces....
My lawyer said I don't have much of a case.
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
Did you hear about the man who stole thousands of dollars worth of rare tea?
He went to prison for Oolong time.
The depressing thing about tennis is
I will never be as good as a wall.
“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”
― Unknown
Why does a horse’s hair always look so good?
She mane-tains it.
This is a taco and burrito conversation.
Nachos.
My mom told me that sitting on a computer 8 hours a day in unhealthy
I said: But, mom that's why I am using a chair.
Did you hear the story of the little ghoul that grew up?
It became a headhunter!
Where do zombies go sailing?
Lake Eerie.
My lifeguard friend had come back home and wanted to do some work, so I gave him my computer to use. Now I have a screen-saver at my house.
Dr. Frankenstein just placed an order on Amazon.
It wasn't expensive, but I imagine the shipping cost him an arm and a leg.
What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.
What is a golfer’s favorite dance move?
The Bogey.