hat did the pizza slicer say when he wanted to rob the pizza?
“Hand over the dough or I’ll cut you!”
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
One molar solution.
"Dad, my computer can't find the Wifi printer anymore... I renamed it to Bob Marley, same password."
"Why Bob Marley?" - he asked.
"Because its always jammin"
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m allergic to flowers,
Achoo!
Roses are red, violets are blue, how would you like it if I came home with you?
Excuse me, would you like a raisin? No? How about a date then?
Do black and white count as colors?
It's a gray area.
How did explorers hide their treasures in the medieval ages? By dragon them to a safe location.
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
Seven slick slimey snakes slowly sliding southward.
Let me plant one on ya!
Tis the sea-sun.
How does a mushroom decorate a home? With toadstools.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
Why is it a bad idea to give a cat a bath?
It will surely end in a cat-astrophe.
Sorry, did you fart? You blow me away!
Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
What candy is only for girls? HER-SHEy's Kisses!
What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
Why do bacon lettuce and tomatoes have the lowest IQ out of all the foods?
Because they're in-bred.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
Hey, you're pretty and I'm cute. Together we'd be pretty cute
What did the fruit bowl say when it saw Santa Claus come down the chimney? We wish you a cherry Christmas!
Are you a sprint set? Because you get my heart racing.
Two Karens are out having dinner
The waiter stopped by their table and said "Is anything ok?"
Why did they stop giving the horse grass?
They wanted it to be less green.
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap? Because it was on shale.
What do cats wear to bed? Paw-jamas.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
When we put our two hearts together, we can’t be beat.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey
Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.
What do you call a small fish magician? A magic carpet
I'd start a revolution for your number.
What do you call an East-European cosmetic?
Nail Polish.
Is your Spotify working? Because I would love you to join my family plan.
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
Oh, Darling, I'd like to be in your octopus garden
My apologies for not flirting, I'm trying to seduce you with my awkwardness.
You must be a magician, because everytime I look at you, everyone else disappears.
Some people prefer milk after it has churned. I guess they find it butter that way.
Are you a 90 degree angle? Because this feels just right.
I squeezed a lemon on my wife's lap two hours ago...
She's been a sourpuss about it ever since.
"If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around." ~ Christina Stead
Let’s get elf-ed up.