A chemistry lab is like a big party.
Some drop the acid while others drop the base.
Did you know you look good in short pants?
Why is it always quiet in the forest? Because all of the trees sleep like a dog.
How do pigs write top secret messages?
With invisible oink!
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
Why did the thieves kidnap the monkey?
Because they believed in gibbon take.
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
Chuck Norris caught Covid-19 yesterday
The virus is quarantined for two weeks
What distinction does OJ hold in jail? He's the first inmate with a retired number.
New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...
Babe, it doesn’t matter that you got diabetic retinopathy, because I heard love is blind.
How did the herpetologist know he would be married soon? He caught the garter snake.
What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A Snapdragon.
Jellyfish and peanut butterare sea turtles favorite sandwich.
I told the doctor I was deaf in my left ear he said 'are you sure?'
Then I said 'I'm definite."
The only ship that has never docked on their harbor is the premiership.
Are you a train? Because I want to be the light at the end of your tunnel.
Hey babe, are you the Mcdonald's Ice Cream Machine, because you just aren't working for me anymore.
Hey (say their name), I know this is not a chat room but my lips want to chat with yours.
Why should you never expect perfection from geologists?
Because they all have their faults.
I've recently started up a band called "Mum's The Word."
If anyone asks, you've not seen us.
My mom told me that life is like a deck of cards, so you must the be queen of hearts.
The scariest day of my life was when we ran into a bear taking a dump inside our campsite.
That sh** was in
I just installed a brand new Luxe bidet!
I’ve been having a blast.
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
What do you get when you cross a sloth and a Scottish rock band? Slow Patrol.
"Remember when I asked you out? Well, I was talking to the girl behind you"
What’s an avocado’s favorite music?
Guac ‘n’ roll.
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
Hey girl…
Can I call-cu-later?
Every piece of you is sweet.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
Are you my homework? Because I’m not doing you, even though I should.
There was an Old Man of the Dee,
Who was sadly annoyed by a flea;
When he said, 'I will scratch it,'
They gave him a hatchet,
Which grieved that Old Man of the Dee.
“It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.” — William Faulkner
Every time I passed a ring-shaped coral reef with a coral rim that encircles a lagoon, I had to pay a fee. It was atoll.
I just found out that Mercedes is donating state-of-the-art street sweepers to some of the largest cities around the world to help fight littering.
They're calling it Mercedes-clenz.
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
I'm really obsessed with the F1 key on my keyboard. I'm trying to get help.
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
Why are geologists good at stand up comedy?
They know really “dirty” jokes.
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
Oh no! My wine glass is empty. Somebody call Wine-One-One!
What did the beaver mention to a tree? It has been nice gnawing you.
If Santa made love to a pickle, what would they call their baby?
Claussen.
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
What do you call fake oranges?
“Pulp Fiction”
Why are beavers so good in maths? They love log'arithms.
"There are no gardening mistakes, only experiments."
— Janet Kilburn Phillips
When you meet someone, you don't want to get off to a bad art!