"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
What did Papa cabinet advise to his Son cabinet before his first date?
"Just be youshelf"
Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener
I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!
(Rob Carmack)
Why did the submarine driver lose his job
Old, racist tweets resurfaced
The years go flying by so fast
We wonder why our youth does not last
But when I look at you I see
A younger version of what you use to be
But remember I am aging with you
And without my glasses the picture is skewed
So who cares about what has been done
As long as birthdays keep having fun!
(Samatha C. Ringle)
There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn't an inch of fear.
He indulged a desire,
To touch a live wire,
And he celebrated by drinking beer.
If there's a bee in my hand, then what's in my eye?
Beauty.
Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.
Where do zombie monkeys live?
In the brain forest.
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
— Erma Bombeck
In this day and age of technological breakthroughs, we surely can’t be far from a country song where a guy’s self-driving truck leaves him too.
Why are pilots so bad at basketball?
Because they're always traveling.
Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
How I wonder what you're at!
Up above the world you fly,
Like a teatray in the sky.
(Lewis Carroll)
Why did the tree go to the dentist? To get a root canal.
“I got chucked out of yoga class after misinterpreting Half-Moon Pose.” – Unknown
Why did the unemployed man get excited while looking through his Bible?
He thought he saw a job.
Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.
What does a penguin where to the beach?
An ice cap.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Butter
Butter who?
Butter get an umbrella, it looks like it's going to rain!
“To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.”
- George Bernard Shaw
What's a pun's best trait?
His pun-ctuality!
Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.
Then I lost my job as a driver.
Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.
I was hoping you wouldn't block my pop-up. You must've been made by Intel to be that hot!
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
How will you make the earth clean? By giving it a meteor shower.
Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
I made some fish tacos last night....
But they just ignored them and swam away.
Why did the daddy peach teach the child peach to shave? He was starting to grow peach fuzz.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights.
When something evolves, it becomes a fork of nature.
My mom told me it would be good for my self-esteem if I asked out people who aren't conventionally attractive.
If you want to wish a 'Merry Christmas' to a strawberry, just say, "Straw-berry Christmas!'"
My decision to become a Hindu was a missed steak
You want to hear the best rock puns? Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.
What do you call an Amish Man whose hand is in a horse’s mouth?
A mechanic.
What do pigs drive? Pigup trucks.
How do you know flowers are capable of kissing?
They have tulips.
You may want to seek help if you feel despresso when you don't have coffee.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen.
It’s so hot the catfish are already fried when you catch them.
How does a bear get from one place to another?
On a bear-o-plane.
What kind of shoes do all spies wear? Sneakers.
True house cleaners aren't just born
They're maid.
Do you like science because I've got my ion you.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
What is a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring!
I was at the Doctor's office
The Pessimist said 'The door is half closed'
The Optimist said 'The door is half open'
The Doctor said 'Confirmed case of Bipolar'
How do you beat a vampire at poker?
Raise the stakes!