Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.
Why did God make only one Yogi Bear? Because when he tried to make a second one he made a Boo-Boo.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
What do you call a hangover when you're alone in Spain?
Barf-a-lona.
I have a great relationship with my mother… land.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I’m missing half of my heart and so are you.
“Help…I’ve ran out of weekend!”
– Unknown
Let’s go to my place. I’d like to show you my puck collection.
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
What would a potato say to a peach? – “You have a nice pit!”
Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine?
It was about a weak back.
This is snow laughing matter!
There was an Old Person of Tartary,
Who divided his jugular artery;
But he screeched to his wife,
And she said, 'Oh, my life!
Your death will be felt by all Tartary!'
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.
Now I have Heinzsight.
What kind of money do elves use?
Cold cash!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Centipede.
Centipede who?
Centipede on the Christmas tree.
What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?
Boo tea!
My weekend is fully booked.
Octopus: [holding a gun in each hand]
Cat: You're one short buddy.
What’s worse than finding a worm in your pear?
Finding half a worm.
We’ll kickoff the party with some cocktails.
What happens when you blend an artificial waterway with a tree? You get a root canal.
Why can't chefs play baseball? They always get caught trying to steal a basil.
Will invisible airplanes ever be a thing?
I just can't see them taking off.
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
I Tour de Francy you.
Why shouldn't you kiss anyone on January 1st?
Because it's only the first date
What kind of sandwich does Kissy the Elf like for lunch?
A wrap!
If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test, I'd have 83 cents.
Whenever I see you my heart races. I hope to win first place.
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.
― Noel Coward
When doesn’t a bull have horns?
When it’s a bullfrog.
What did Van Gogh name the ear he didn't cut off?
Van Stay.
I was only taught 22 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know Y TBH.
I beacha miss summer already!
Djokovic to his friends the morning after winning the U.S. Open: Is anyone hungry for some Denny’s? Because I would like another Grand Slam.
Where to Bees go to party in Spain?
Ibiza.
Q: How do two cherries make up after an argument?
A: They cherry the hatchet.
Why is spring a great time to start a gardening business?
Because it’s the season when you can really rake in the cash.
What’s a snow princess’s glow worm’s favourite song?
Let it Glow, Let it Glow!
My sister thinks that she is so intelligent. She says onion is the only food which makes her cry. That is the reason why I threw a pineapple at her face.
I heard the history teacher got into a fight with the math teacher
He did a real good number in him.
Nice legging. Are you making a fashion statement? Because you got my attention.
Why did the deer go for a run?
To doe off some steam.
My mother loves butter more than I do,
more than anyone. She pulls chunks off
the stick and eats it plain, explaining
cream spun around into butter!
- Elizabeth Alexander
The bowling solder decided to launch a pre-emptive strike.