Where do astronauts buy their milk? From the milky way!!!
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
Why would the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch.
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
Went on a walk today. Had a couple of crows following me around. I'm pretty sure I have the corvid.
My friends tell me I'm like a beard..
I grow down or sideways, but I never grow up!
The interesting the about engineering Toilet Paper.
It's an a-ply-ed science.
Metaphors be with you.
What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
Who brings presents for crows on Christmas? On Christmas? Santa Caws
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
What is a ghost peppers favorite Leonardo Dicaprio film? Catch me if you Cayenne.
How many drum sets can you store on a sofa?
One per cushion
Why can’t the engineer be electrocuted? Because he’s not a conductor!
What happened when the tiger ate the comedian?
He felt funny!
Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?
You cannot get a basketball game fairly officiated in the jungle because cheetahs are all over.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.
Which type of nut goes to outer space?
An astro-nut
What do all the onions decide to do over unfair wages? They decide to form a labor onion.
I am disappointed that you are taking such a closed-stance on my footwork advice.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
Man: Did you fall from heaven?
Woman: No, but I'm an Angel and died fifteen years ago... just like that pick up line.
How does a hairdresser stop themselves from cutting their own hair?
By sheer will.
How do you make seven an even number?
Just remove the “s.”
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
What do magician avocados say?
Avocadabra!
What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves.
Why did he skeleton go to the barbecue? To get another rib.
Roses are red
violets are blue.
I hate poems
even more than I hate you.
Why did the vegan go deep-sea fishing? Just for the halibut!
Whats green and can jump a mile a minute?
A frog with hiccups.
I saw a headline in the newspaper that said someone made a bomb out of nitrous oxide.
This is no laughing matter.
“What do you call an elf that runs away from Santa’s Workshop? A rebel without a Claus.”
What does the parrot get at the end of a restaurant meal? The bill!
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
"Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate." ~ Mark Twain
Why are people in big cities in Spain always dry?
Because the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.
Wanna go out sometime? I’d consider it an Er-win if you said yes.
Are you Messi? 'Cause you look ike you'd never miss
Is it ad-out again? I’m going to hit my breaking point.